Dealing with the real estate agent, realtor, the lazy lawyer, or any manipulative person.

Which witch has the power?

Manipulative People. How to Deal with Them?

 

Manipulative people try not to be obvious in their mannerisms, which is part of their learnt deception.

 Whether, they are a difficult marriage partner, bad spouse, or one of the aforementioned, and notably government licensed people, their modus operandi and intent is the same.

They win by either taking from you what is yours, or minimizing its or your life value, and you lose.
In essence, a type of rape - using subterfuge to deceive you for their advantage.

We have come out on top several times, and it is a great feeling, even after that, they've generally pulled the inform the police card - a good reason for you to stay clean.

It takes effort, and time out of your life to deal with these people, and that fulfills their desire of self importance (a personality type - so do beware - this is a significant red flag).

When someone is openly assertive in outlining the requirements, you find it a lot easier to agree on a mutually beneficial outcome.

These other people are afraid of losing the advantage, something like the weak bully, so they will use the lies, half truths, and other mechanisms to trick you.

• A question disguised as a statement 
• Making a personal statement, and pretending it is someone else's
• Guilt trips
• Confrontational statements
• The "silent treatment"
• The "no way out" question
• Lies

1. A question disguised as a statement
Manipulative people hate asking questions because it means they may lose control. So they will use a directive question.
Examples:
"I am wondering why you..."
"Perhaps you could..."
"I wish you could..for us/me"
"I suppose you are going to..."

How to deal with it:
When dealing with manipulative people, answer questions only, not directives. Try to recognize the difference. You must learn to not get deceived by these.
Usually by saying "I can't look at this right now," or "I have to be somewhere in a minute, I'll catch up with you later" will defeat their objective.

2. Making a personal statement and pretending it's someone else's
This allows manipulative people to put the blame on someone else, therefore not taking responsibility for his or her opinion.
Examples:
"We were wondering if you..."
"They said you..."
"She thought you..."
"Everyone thinks you..."

How to deal with it:
Ask who is "we", "they", or "someone" and ask what the manipulator thinks is a solution. Then ignore whatever they have said - saying "I'll have to get some second opinions."

3. Guilt Trips
Manipulative people use statements to make you feel guilty about doing or not doing something. You don't expect it and it blinds your ordinarily good judgment.
Examples:
"I don't you care if...."
"If you loved me..."
"Everyone knows that..."
"Every decent person would..."
"I just knew you would say that!"
"Can't you take a joke?"
"You could never do..."
"I thought that's what you wanted"

How to deal with it:
Recognize the manipulative statement. If you can, reduce your exposure to the statement because they are trying to get it to stick to you. Whenever you hear it, just say "No", then "No", then "No" thanks.

4. Confrontational Statements:
 Those statements are used to put you on the defensive. If you play the manipulator's game, you will end up in a fight without knowing how it started.
Examples:
"Why do you always..."
"Do you expect me to..."
"I can't believe you would..."
"I thought we were going to..."
"Why should I have to..."
"I've been told that..."
"How could you..."
"Why don't you..."
"Did you hear me?"
"Well, does that mean that I have to..."
"I thought you..."
"Don't you think you (we) should..."
"Are you telling me..."
"I thought we agreed..."

How to deal with it:
Let things slide. Don't respond to their bad behavior, or demean yourself by apologizing.
You can choose not to fight by using one of the following replies:
"I'll have to think about that"
"We can talk later."
"I prefer it like that"
"I need to check with..."
"You're right" (and drop the subject)

5. The "Silent Treatment"
Manipulative people may stop talking to you altogether and want to find out how long it will take before you crack. This is a standard sales technique, and taken to its extreme is how they get control.

How to deal with it:
Simply say "Let me know when you feel like talking" and nothing else. Act like it is no big deal. Get busy with something else and put a smile on your face. If you crack now, they'll use this tactic again and again. Be aware that sometimes people need time to think things out, especially when they are angry. Mostly they will say, "I need some time out."

6. The "No Way Out" question
You are being asked a question and you think you are given a choice, but the answer has already been decided by the manipulator. The question shouldn't be the time of the appointment, but whether you want an appointment at all. After such a question, there is a pregnant pause and, since you are programmed to respond to a conversational pause by offering to help, you jump in and do whatever the manipulator wants you to do.
Examples:
"Would you like an appointment at 6:15 or 6:30?"
"Do you want the red one or the blue one?"
"Don't you think that...?"
"Aren't you happy that..."
"Have you stopped beating your wife?"

How to deal with it:
Be prepared to use one of those replies:
"I'll let you know"
"I'll have to think about that"
"No thanks"
"I disagree, I think you are mistaken/wrong"
"Sorry, I'm not interested"


7. Lies
- They add unnecessary details to an explanation.
- When you ask for an explanation or a clarification, they pause, or pretend not to know something,  even though they should know the answer.
- Hands to the face, twirling a pen, or in their pockets.
- They may be laughing nervously.
- They are not looking at you while speaking, or look at you too intensely.
- They will change the topic of the conversation.
- You feel something is wrong and your body may start reacting.
 He/she may start asking questions to put the focus on you, will start accusing you, or may be evasive saying "Oh well that all depends..." "I'm not sure...", or may change the subject completely.

How to deal with it:
With a compulsive liar, you have to accept that you will be deceived or let down. If you think you need them in your life, avoid any agreements you can, especially legal ones. Document and record and confirm all responses. Absolutely hide your copies safely, and privately. Reduce your contact time, and avoid questions. Don't ask a liar for anything and don't do anything for him/her either. Start to be self-reliant and financially and emotionally free.

Some Words of Caution

Remember that manipulative people are often so well practiced, that they use this as their only means of relating with the rest of society.
Many of the pseudo-wealthy, and 'experts' are masters at these deceptions. Something like the child's story of Rumpelstiltskin - they do not at any cost want to be exposed, and lose their 'power.'

For your own safety and well-being, refrain from addressing the issues; - they are always abusive when they or their offspring are held to account - use an anonymous tack towards an authority in their lives - Read the Miss Battles post.- and LEAVE, there are 17 billion people in the world, some good, be around them - not be poisoned by these ones.

Again - Whether, they are a difficult relationship partner, colleague, or especially government licensed people, their modus operandi and intent is the same. Watch for the 'entitlement' attitude.

They win by either taking from you what is yours, or minimizing its or your life value, and you lose.
In essence, a type of rape - using subterfuge to deceive you for their advantage, with their false entitlement.


  Recommended links to help you.....

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


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Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Being Brave and How to End a Relationship - Not the right time for you or even a bad one

Developing your strength of mind as well.

Have you given the relationship a fair chance? If you change your mind you won't be able to go back - and you'll often find that your partner refuses to resume the relationship, or will have too many conditions on you, or plain doesn't trust you.

And there where be some later 'cosmic' reaction - guaranteed.
People's - yours and theirs, non verbalized or subconscious minds do store events for a later resolution, some sooner than later - some violent or not.

Hard to think of while you are in the heat of the moment -  but this is an absolute reality - so think and then choose wisely.

In the future do you really want this person to drive past you while you are in a bad accident? You don't need them to feel sorry for you or to be guilty for their previous actions - your aim is to encourage them that their decision, or decision making is OK for them, so you and they feel comfortable in at least the same town, even if you don't like each other.


Be Brave

Once you've decided that you definitely want to break up with your partner, the next step is to do that. Again that means to do try in an honest and straight forward way.

This is the opposite technique to a lot of people use, which is to try and get their partner to dump them – by acting cold, distant and not like themselves, until their partner decides they've had enough and ends the relationship.
If you are trying to get your partner to dump you, and you tell yourself you're doing it for their benefit, the reality it is that you are doing it out of your own fear – an indicator that you still have both some people skills, and relationship skills to learn.

 

Timing

 

Sooner, rather than letting it drag out of course. Giving a reasonable consideration to each party's easy movement away. There is no need, and it is a bad move to babysit your soon to be ex, yet you will find they will leave faster, and without repercussions (bad stuff aimed at you) - if you encourage their plans away from you. Giving psychic permission almost.

Be Kind

Most inadequate partners give the other an excuse that "you need to find yourself" or that you're "going through stuff." Others use the techniques of deception above, and others almost seem to invite violence in their verbal statements.
Being honest and straight forward doesn't mean letting it all hang out,it means being accurate in your statements.
Mostly it is best to consider that it is not what they did that is the problem, or not what they are, but rather your reaction to that, and lastly always give someone praise in their abilities - in the direction you would like them to go.
 This way you don't leave them feeling undesirable or unlovable,(which by now they may be to you). You simply leave them realising that the relationship is not this one, this will generally ensure your safety, even if they are disappointed, and help you feel in control.


Leave It

The next stage is to 'walk away' and to allow each other physical space. If they do continuously message you and you feel you need to respond then simply address the issues raised in short polite sentences, and then end the message. Learn to limit your words - this saves you trouble.
This way you will be able to draw a line under your relationship and both begin a process of healing.

Living in the world later 

 

Start some new activity or hobbies to bring new experiences to your life. In an ideal world you would enjoy your singleness, while you grow yourself within. Hobby ideas from amazon.

 

Moving forward

 

Think about what you can change in you to get more of a relationship you want. An easy book to start with is Roy Sheppards - "..Be The One"

Safety, threats, violence. blackmail, etc

 

 No one wants, or hopefully expects these - they are generally methods used by a weaker person to get control.

If you have gone through the above carefully, it will be unlikely - go through the above again -then if it does start - it needs to be stopped.

Anonymous and truthful complaints from third parties - e.g. a religious minister, or an individual with some social or business standing to - an authority in that offending person's life - are the most effective in giving them a chance to evaluate their life direction.
 (Do remember the natural law of reaction: - we have known people to wait more than 20 years to effect devastating lifestyle blows to a false complainant).


Recommended Links To Help You....Choose a couple...


'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Or take an Assertiveness course. These will help you stand your ground without becoming aggressive or hostile.
If you feel physically intimidated by people, you might want to consider a self-defense course, or training books as well.



Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

Relationship and marriage enhancement and improvement techniques and help.

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Weights and fitness for Men and Women - taught by Mark McManus

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or The 12 week muscle building program By Brad Pilon M.Sc.

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*If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.see important note. 


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To create a feeling of self confidence when I feel so insecure sometimes

Stuck in the mud?

We are called the narcissistic generation. And for many attention seeking people that is a very accurate label. We discuss narcissism here as an ordinary perception - not the strict clinical sense.

Technology, social media, the related proliferation of non-essential degrees, and jobs- are giving us an inflated sense of self.

Some individuals, more than others, consider themselves above all of humanity, and indeed the next television talent quest winner. Be it the X-Factor, or Stars in Their Eyes - all as seen on a new big screen TV from amazon.

Most of us don’t walk around self-promoting ourselves to that amount, or even feeling like we are all that great.

There, for some, is an emotion that shapes our self-image and influences our behavior, and that is a learned insecurity.

Even in the narcissistic toads, you’re likely to find concerns of insecurity fueling their life.

The most common self-critical thought some people have told themselves, is that they are different – not in a positive sense, but in some negative, alienating way.

Whether our self-esteem is high or low, one thing is clear; we are a generation that avoids self scrutiny, or at least acting to change ourselves for the better.

Over half the women of today. say they experience hurtful, self-critical thoughts on a weekly basis.
Perhaps an attempt to be accepted by their immature 'friends', or indeed thinking that they want it all,- and to measure up to the current film idol, means they will be handed it all without effort.

To be fair, this thinking has been seen in all ages of history - particularly in 'western' influenced culture.
Men, are not a lot different, possibly more action orientated, and using events or alcohol to fit in with their group.

By understanding where this insecurity comes from, why we might put ourselves down, and how this perception affects us, we can start to change and overcome that inner critic.

What causes this insecurity? 

There is an internal talk, or question and answer response -  critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us.

As we grow up, it becomes a sadly reassuring  pattern of destructive thoughts, toward ourselves and others.

The experiences we have with our influential early caretakers be it parents, teachers, or some other authority we expected - rightly so - a level of care from; can be at the root of our insecurity as adults. Both negative and unrealistic positive interactions can be damaging to a child’s development and self-esteem.

The reason for it is that we must feel seen for who we are in order to feel secure. Regardless of our age, or situation. The authority gives us a loss of a sense of being able, or prevents us from exploring our actual abilities.
Harmful, and abusive as adults, - unhelpful and irresponsible care-giving/teaching/parenting if children are involved.

A healthy attitude if you're parents, is to see yourself and the children realistically, and to treat both with acceptance and compassion. Good parents can support their children, and guide them in their choices, letting them if it's not too unsafe or damaging to work it out with help, not control. To more so encourage exploration, and activities. that appeal to the child’s interest, and not just the parent. or their own desires from the past or present.
This helps a child establish a sense of self-worth. Which equips them for a real world.

Old feelings or invocations - that we are incompetent or that we will never be acknowledged or appreciated are not the most help for us.

   
Insecurity in Relationships

There are many ways our critical inner voice can creep into our romantic lives. Relationships, can stir up past hurts and experiences, and some people do seem to try and make us feel bad for their own sense of power.

Leave these ones,as quietly and quickly as you can, and let them follow their own path. There are 17 billion other people in the world - and some of them are pretty good.


How do you overcome this insecurity you have?

Firstly - someone in your formative stages of life knowingly or not, used it as a control tool against you.

Whether it was a 'trusted' authority person, or one your 'friends' acting out and projecting their insecurities onto you to alleviate their own pain.

So to fit in, be accepted, or lead a peace filled life, you listened to them, and took it onboard for you.

Knowing this, and that there is a better way, work through the following five exercises

Day1

The first step is seeing your self-critical thoughts in the second person. Go ahead and write down these thoughts. You are not going to show anyone, and will destroy the paper at the end of the week!
Instead of writing "I am so dumb. What is the matter with me? I will never be successful," you write as if it was someone else; e.g. "You are so stupid. You will never be successful."

This process helps you to separate from these thoughts, by seeing them as external, instead of your own real point of view. They might bring up underlying feelings from the past, which can be useful.
We are going to get rid of this list soon.

Day 2

On the second day, you can start to think  about the ideas and reactions you have to writing down these mean thoughts. Do they remind you of anyone or anything from your past?
Allow yourself to feel some compassion for the controlling person, but more so for yourself - and know and reject these attitudes as ' just who you are'.

Day 3

You  now answer back to your negative thoughts, expressing your real point of view. You write down rational and realistic statements about how you really are. Take some time over this one. Do respond to your attacks the way you like a good  friend to,- using compassion and kindness.

Day 4

Note on another sheet of paper the way you think there may be a connection between how these 'voice attacks' are influencing your present-day behaviors.
How do they affect you at work? With your partner? As a parent? In your personal ambitions? Do they undermine you? What comments or events trigger the insecurity? What areas of your life is this insecurity most influential?
Even as a millionaire, those questions are still asked.

Day 5

The final step, for now, is to change the questions we ask ourselves - in response to our life triggers we've noticed.
We go through all of our week's notes, summarise the areas to work on first, then start with a small step or two, and keep going.
Throw away the papers with the bad stuff on it -shred it by hand is best. If insecurity is keeping you from asking someone on a date or going after a promotion, it’s time to learn how to do it, so it works for you.

All of your insecurities aren’t likely to disappear overnight, but a few will have gone by now,- and with practice the others will weaken, and fade out of your life. Whenever you notice a negative thought, don’t indulge in its direction, think of your new you, and your desired results.

A key thought is self-compassion,- self- acceptance really. As opposed to it being all about self-esteem. Self-esteem is important, and focuses on evaluation and performance, where as self-acceptance, allows us to grow from where we are now.

To tell yourself, that you are different – not in some negative alienating way, but in a positive sense.

This is the key to real self-confidence, and leaving those old insecurities behind you.

Recommended links to help you now

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-

 

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

photo courtesy of pdp net - WEYENBERGH JACKY

*'Miss Battles' - the 20 something spoiled brat and how to deal with them.

Am I special yet?

The bully little 6 year old kids in a 20 something year old body, and older. 

They in fact never to seem to grow out of their 3-6 year old learnt behavior. From the age of 6 to 86 - until they die.

Their tiresome dramatic responses to the world, places them in the realm of a low grade film destined to be forgotten, and swept aside as a gross interruption to humanity.

This is their psychic trauma - afraid of being forgotten, they continue to resort to poorly acted, yet well planned dramatics to get the attention they crave.

Whether it is know it all opinions, clothing, or lack of it, and outrageous actions-under the influence of alcohol, drugs, religion or any rational they find accepted in their clique.

 They harass, gossip, and generally demean others, minimizing others value so that their 'bodacious' body and coiffured hair - to them alone - may stand out from normality.

Offering no value to the world, other than a receptacle for, or as,- low grade entertainment, they apparently simple-mindedly pursue the attention, - positive and negative - of all. They will have sense of unease about them, and spend time, money, and life trying to cover up or compensate for this. Being blonde or some other highlighted hair - is a good marker.

Often a baby from a relationship of a lawyer, government employee, or government contractor, and most commonly found in the non-productive areas:- of political or government employ, as a 'supervisor' in a media industry, as a shop assistant in any good looking shop, as a martyred single mother, or living with a financially supportive partner; they attempt to exercise power by deception and subterfuge:- and the standards of "I didn't see that", "I can't recall," "That doesn't seem to fit in company policy...." etc etc.

Their hobbies may be few, apart from drinks or a sponsored meal in some form with the group or crew - "I must be seen to fit in, but show I'm better than them, so they look up to me" is the mantra.

Their favourite pet will be a horse - of course an extension of power, they so little have internally.

Like most things in their lives - they will not have paid for it, having charmed some individual into releasing funds/time or assets to their favour. Their 'favours' will be effusive, yet minimal in reality; calculated to bring them the highest return for their gift of presence.

The spoiled brat behaviour that is typical of these know-it-all girls, is that they take a few lessons of anything, and suddenly want to bully their opinion - with their often half thought out and dangerous advice, that will probably get someone hurt.

When someone tries to ignore them, or more so - brings them to be accountable; they have a hussy fit and go on their barn witch evil mission.

Always behind the scenes, stirring up drama, creating problems.

As a farmer I have seen this at many places, these charming little bullies that get their feelings hurt - and then do things like starting with poor timekeeping and personal hygiene, then they'll let the animals out, unlock gates, feed horses bad hay, throw peoples tack in the trash, or create situations where their lowlife friends of friends steal or sabotage gear, throwing horse poop in the horses water, leaving water taps running, poisons out, one of or many of, these, and other vile and illegal things.

All the time saying -"I didn't mean to", "I didn't know" - you didn't show me" or "say I needed to today","I had a migraine/headache" "Ive got my period" "I think I'm pregnant" - "I can't get pregnant", "My aunties cousins sisters pet snake is not well"-- I'm sure you get the picture.

They make others suffer when they can't get their way. They will throw a fit, scream and call the police, or involve the courts presenting themselves as a victim. Unfortunately they are often believed, as practiced as they are in their own style of presentation.

The same scenes happen at work, in town, and everywhere the *'Miss Battles' are.

Do not seek these woman out,- (whether they are in a man's or woman's body - the results are the same). Do not contact her or reply to any contact with her. Block her in all your social networks to stop her reckless behavior. Do not feed her - physically, psychologically, or emotionally.
Answer any questions noncommittally (as she does); being aware everything you say/do not say or do,etc.. will be offered in evidence against you. 

Be obvious in your good works yourself, it will gain you great support.

Be polite, smile, and create and maintain a significant distance - either mentally or physically, and especially emotionally.

If it is at work, encourage and support them to get a promotion quickly - far out of your domain; - if you made the mistake of employing them - bring on a verbal (recorded) polite warning, and then overload them continuously with tasks (legally), so that they leave of their own volition - if you fire them it will cost you - be prepared.

If you are in a sexual or close relationship with them, very quietly plan to escape, and do so at your earliest convenience; making it seem it is their idea, or that it is the best thing for them. 

Introduce and give them to your enemies - ensuring they hold no information or access to your life. 
They already have their plans in place - have done since they were or weren't noticed as a toddler.

Keep your comments to yourself, these ones are vindictive and petty people that will use the system against you, even if you tell the truth.

They themselves predominantly operate on fear management, so to anonymously ask the tax revenue office, "how can they afford........?? I think they might be........... I don't know",  -- or the animal and child protection agencies " are you aware that.......? or " they seem to be......."

Don't bother with the police, these individuals know the police and court system well enough to get their own way. There are a plethora of government agencies always wanting publicity as to how well their services are needed - they want to prove that their salaries/egos are of value to keep receiving them. Give them this chance to prove themselves.

Anonymous public embarrassment is the key. The anonymity is to protect you, the agencies will not - they are easily duped by the Miss Battles of the world, and,- these people do remember, and have the worst of the worst people as supporters.

Before you do it - ask yourself for 21 continuous days - how would I like it if this was done to me?
It may be easier and better to quietly move on, someone will catch up with them - even the God/s.


You, will not change them - after at least 14 years of the same behaviours getting them what they want, the habits are ingrained.

If they are attractive, wealthy, good physically, or some other desired attribute, by all means share that part of your life with them for the moment -
Be very aware that you are playing with a toxic chemical weapon - and be very aware of the risks.

Out of 17 billion people in the world, there are others that are more suitable for your life journey.

*If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.

It really is the time for you to now, to develop some power and assertiveness techniques; so as well as knowing the existence or predictable behaviours of these people, - that are determined to prevent your success - you will have the natural skills to move ahead with poise and control.


                                         *The name-'Miss Battles' is used as a representative fiction to characterize a type.
 



Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple... 

Napoleon Hill's books - the bibles of success.


  
Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.








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Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

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Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-  

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.
 
The Tarot helps - use it; - used as it is meant to be, it is another tool in your magic chest for getting what you want in life. It does make it easier for you.

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Why am I always the scapegoat ? Plans to deal with the bully in life - It is your world now.

A scapegoat, is one that someone else chooses to leave out in the cold, or being used to prevent a selected few's engagement with a reality.

 That someone else is usually inadequate in some way, and has learnt to use others as the shield from consequences.

Whether it is at work, in the family, or at a social event.

Many groups who use scapegoating are headed by narcissistic (self involved - look at me.... types) who lack an empathy for their target, as in their mind's eye, the target is there to serve their false image; as is anyone that they think will do that.

The real purpose of scapegoating is to allow the group to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain a myth, or an outward appearance of normal. To the aware observer – and possibly you, if you feel like the Scapegoat; – these groups seem crazy making and delusional. Which, in fact they are.- that is their mode of operations.

The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident. They are quickly selected, as they're usually either sensitive, vulnerable, possibly a little unhappy, ill, and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower.

 In other words, the scapegoat is the one who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created - who overtly or unconsciously knows there is something not quite right here. And appears easily the one to use - as a sacrifice for the evil belief invokers royal plan/s.

 Scapegoaters are insecure people driven to try and raise their own status by attempting to lower the status of their target


 How to Tell if it could be happening: 

• You are held responsible for problems, conflicts or challenges, even if they have nothing to do with you. Other people blame you for their actions. 

• You may end up feeling a shame for being ‘the bad guy’, and/or anger for being blamed. You are attacked and disbelieved if you tell the truth and ‘blow the whistle’ on negative and/or inappropriate behaviour. 

• There has been a history of one or more people being verbally, emotionally or physically abusive towards you. Others seem to accept or look the other way when you are bullied or aggressed against like this.Them standing afraid of it happening to them of course. (Sets a precedent of quasi-accepted behavior). You may feel like the ‘black sheep’, and you will be told of that in some form. 

• You find yourself repeatedly being accused of behavior the scapegoater is engaged in. For example, a family member yells at you, and then accuses you of being abusive, or being thoughtless- then you're told “all you care about is yourself”. Or someone at work, implies that you can't cope with the workload- when they are so busy themselves doing nothing of company value. 

• You act out at times, the negative ‘expectations’ of scapegoating such as not living up to your potential, or getting into relationships with abusive people because your self esteem is has been damaged. 

•  Being the mentally healthiest family member, but being accused of being sick, bad, etc. The accuser loves the importance of being a greater one. 

• Your achievements are belittled, minimized, criticized and rejected; others are always the best or better. 

• Resources are not allowed by you, especially when others are given them. At work, you are put on report, at home ignored, socially you are ignored or kept out of the activities. "What’s going on?"

Using families as an example -though it equally applies to work, or 'false friends.'

 Families that are shame or fear based are not healthy. Often you find evidence of abuse, neglect, addiction, betrayal, mental illness and insecurity. They find life threatening, and actively repress it through scapegoating those who want to understand and change the negative dynamics. Scapegoating is a “projection defense” that allows scapegoaters to keep up appearances.

In other words, by making the scapegoat look bad, it takes attention off the real problem be it a person or an activity. 



How Scapegoating Changes you.

 Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth. The major problem is that they suffer from an identity disturbance, as the target confuses the proposed idea that they are bad, with the truth. This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’, by an authority.

Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved. They can also fall into a 'Victim' role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life. Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family. They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.



Breaking Free From It All.

• Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as a Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth. In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent others from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change. 

•  Locate and trust your ‘Inner Being’ – you have been mistreated;- and start to build yourself up to no longer allow this abuse. it only needs to a quiet resolve initially. And is safer for you this way. 

•  Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you . You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings. 

• To change this you need to start standing up in your own mind, to the falsehoods presented. Get to know your true self. In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc. Write them down, even if you have to hide them, – you will need to be reminded of this alternate, which is the truth about you. 

•  Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you. And change your actions a little if it is honest and ethical. Change your physical posture a little - this will change how people view you.

•  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the victim role. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’. 

• Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends. They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable. 

• Keeping yourself safe = gently start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you. “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.” 

• Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people. The point is that you hear and respect yourself! 

• Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater/s. This may involve limited, no contact, or leaving those who are determined to continue to abuse you. Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed. Leaving is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone. 

Begin to internally love and appreciate yourself. You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective. Be patient as this false image gradually fades. 

Find your true self within - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be, and move forward.

  Recommended links to help you.....

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition 






Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.
 Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

 
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Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.




 photo courtesy of Wikipedia commons - Daniel Voyager

Leading myself into situations - How did I get into this one?

And how did I end up here?

You know our thoughts, our hopes of how it is to be, or how it will be, and especially our desire to be accepted - whether it be from our group or authority can shape our activities and results totally.

It seems there isn't an answer to get what we want, rather than what we do get.

What goes into the mind with an emotion - and with acceptance is what will be internalized 
(this is who or how I am)- to become yourself.

Generally you must meet all of these criteria to have a long lasting effect.

Examples (for good and bad):-

• Sitting with a close friend watching the same type of film over a period of weeks.

• Singing in a church you love with a group.

• Reading and sharing a series or style of books-then beginning to dress or act like the characters.

When bad stuff happens, accept the fact that it happened- not that it is you.


An old re-shareable story.

A hunter goes into the bush. He finds an old human skull. The hunter says: “What brought you here?” The skull answers: “Talking brought me here.” The hunter runs off to the king. He tells the king: “I found a dry human skull in the bush. It asks you how its father and mother are.” 

The king says: “Never since my mother bore me have I heard that a dead skull can speak.” The king summons his advisers and authorities - and asks them if they have ever heard anything like this. None of his wise men has heard the like, and they decide to send guards out with the hunter into the bush to find out if his story is true and, if so, to learn the reason for it. The guards accompany the hunter into the bush with the order to kill him on the spot should he have lied.

The guards and the hunter come to the skull. The hunter addresses the skull: “Skull, speak.” The skull is silent. The hunter asks as before: “What brought you here?” The skull does not answer. The whole day long the hunter begs the skull to speak, but it does not answer. In the evening the guards tell the hunter to make the skull speak, and when he cannot, the guards kill the hunter in accordance with the king’s command. 

When the guards are gone, the skull opens its jaws and asks the dead hunter’s head: “What brought you here?” The dead hunter’s head replies: “Talking brought me here!” 

The Talking Skull - a translated Nigerian folk tale

 *********

Note the finding of a new discovery, consider why did the hunter want to share it with the authority?, the controlling power of the authority, the persistence of the hunter in a way that did not work for him at that time. The finality of it all- his technique of bringing the King and his subservients to the discovery, rather than creating a curiosity so that they would find it themselves. The giving up of power to those who want to maintain the status quo. The hunters belief system, and his actions  that brought him his results.



So, how do you change it to get what you want?

Change within to change without - use your emotions to re-define your world.

If it is really difficult - leave for a time:- meditate (or sit quietly listening to the good of nature) - go to a library, and read some harmless humor-find an empty mosque, temple, or church- even and especially if you offer to sweep the floor to be there regularly; - or change where or how you might live. 


Recommended links to help you.....

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads


Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition 




Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.
 Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

pic courtesy of www.publicdomainpictures.net

The Woman/Man of Integrity

The roads you choose in life

There are times in the life of every man and woman - who takes a stand on moral principles when their faith in, and knowledge of, those principles is tested.

And the way in which they come out of that trial decides as to whether there is enough strength to live as one with truth, and join the company of the free,- or remain a slave to the dictates of a fashionable morality.

Interestingly, the times of trial generally assume the form of a temptation to do a wrong thing and continue in comfort and prosperity, or to stand by what is right and change the consequences.

So powerful is the trial that, to the tempted one, it appears on the face of things as though, if they choose the wrong, material success will be assured for the rest of their life, but if what is right is done, the future is uncertain.

There are whispers of, -“Think of your friends and children; think of those who are dependent upon you, won't you disgrace them and leave them without?” 

The right-doer cannot ultimately fail, the wrong-doer cannot ultimately succeed, even if it seems so.

 The slanderer, the backbiter, and the wrong-doer may seem to succeed for a time, but a Law of Justice prevails; the man of integrity may seem to fail for a time, but he is invincible within.

 Nor can he ever be subdued by the forces of darkness, having subdued all those forces within himself; but he turns all evil things to good account - out of darkness he brings light.

The war outside may require you to leave the situation -

 though to leave the truth must never happen.

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple... 

Napoleon Hill's books - the bibles of success.



Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-



Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...
Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.


Develop a millionaire mindset easily and quickly with -



 

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

A higher Awareness bringing you a better life.








Adapted from the great writer Plato.

pic courtesy of Public Domain Images