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| Stuck in the mud? |
Technology, social media, the related proliferation of non-essential degrees, and jobs- are giving us an inflated sense of self.
Some individuals, more than others, consider themselves above all of humanity, and indeed the next television talent quest winner. Be it the X-Factor, or Stars in Their Eyes - all as seen on a new big screen TV from amazon.
Most of us don’t walk around self-promoting ourselves to that amount, or even feeling like we are all that great.
There, for some, is an emotion that shapes our self-image and influences our behavior, and that is a learned insecurity.
Even in the narcissistic toads, you’re likely to find concerns of insecurity fueling their life.
The most common self-critical thought some people have told themselves, is that they are different – not in a positive sense, but in some negative, alienating way.
Whether our self-esteem is high or low, one thing is clear; we are a generation that avoids self scrutiny, or at least acting to change ourselves for the better.
Over half the women of today. say they experience hurtful, self-critical thoughts on a weekly basis.
Perhaps an attempt to be accepted by their immature 'friends', or indeed thinking that they want it all,- and to measure up to the current film idol, means they will be handed it all without effort.
To be fair, this thinking has been seen in all ages of history - particularly in 'western' influenced culture.
Men, are not a lot different, possibly more action orientated, and using events or alcohol to fit in with their group.
By understanding where this insecurity comes from, why we might put ourselves down, and how this perception affects us, we can start to change and overcome that inner critic.
What causes this insecurity?
There is an internal talk, or question and answer response - critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us.
As we grow up, it becomes a sadly reassuring pattern of destructive thoughts, toward ourselves and others.
The experiences we have with our influential early caretakers be it parents, teachers, or some other authority we expected - rightly so - a level of care from; can be at the root of our insecurity as adults. Both negative and unrealistic positive interactions can be damaging to a child’s development and self-esteem.
The reason for it is that we must feel seen for who we are in order to feel secure. Regardless of our age, or situation. The authority gives us a loss of a sense of being able, or prevents us from exploring our actual abilities.
Harmful, and abusive as adults, - unhelpful and irresponsible care-giving/teaching/parenting if children are involved.
A healthy attitude if you're parents, is to see yourself and the children realistically, and to treat both with acceptance and compassion. Good parents can support their children, and guide them in their choices, letting them if it's not too unsafe or damaging to work it out with help, not control. To more so encourage exploration, and activities. that appeal to the child’s interest, and not just the parent. or their own desires from the past or present.
This helps a child establish a sense of self-worth. Which equips them for a real world.
Old feelings or invocations - that we are incompetent or that we will never be acknowledged or appreciated are not the most help for us.
Insecurity in Relationships
There are many ways our critical inner voice can creep into our romantic lives. Relationships, can stir up past hurts and experiences, and some people do seem to try and make us feel bad for their own sense of power.
Leave these ones,as quietly and quickly as you can, and let them follow their own path. There are 17 billion other people in the world - and some of them are pretty good.
How do you overcome this insecurity you have?
Firstly - someone in your formative stages of life knowingly or not, used it as a control tool against you.
Whether it was a 'trusted' authority person, or one your 'friends' acting out and projecting their insecurities onto you to alleviate their own pain.
So to fit in, be accepted, or lead a peace filled life, you listened to them, and took it onboard for you.
Knowing this, and that there is a better way, work through the following five exercises
Day1
The first step is seeing your self-critical thoughts in the second person. Go ahead and write down these thoughts. You are not going to show anyone, and will destroy the paper at the end of the week!
Instead of writing "I am so dumb. What is the matter with me? I will never be successful," you write as if it was someone else; e.g. "You are so stupid. You will never be successful."
This process helps you to separate from these thoughts, by seeing them as external, instead of your own real point of view. They might bring up underlying feelings from the past, which can be useful.
We are going to get rid of this list soon.
Day 2
On the second day, you can start to think about the ideas and reactions you have to writing down these mean thoughts. Do they remind you of anyone or anything from your past?
Allow yourself to feel some compassion for the controlling person, but more so for yourself - and know and reject these attitudes as ' just who you are'.
Day 3
You now answer back to your negative thoughts, expressing your real point of view. You write down rational and realistic statements about how you really are. Take some time over this one. Do respond to your attacks the way you like a good friend to,- using compassion and kindness.
Day 4
Note on another sheet of paper the way you think there may be a connection between how these 'voice attacks' are influencing your present-day behaviors.
How do they affect you at work? With your partner? As a parent? In your personal ambitions? Do they undermine you? What comments or events trigger the insecurity? What areas of your life is this insecurity most influential?
Even as a millionaire, those questions are still asked.
Day 5
The final step, for now, is to change the questions we ask ourselves - in response to our life triggers we've noticed.
We go through all of our week's notes, summarise the areas to work on first, then start with a small step or two, and keep going.
Throw away the papers with the bad stuff on it -shred it by hand is best. If insecurity is keeping you from asking someone on a date or going after a promotion, it’s time to learn how to do it, so it works for you.
All of your insecurities aren’t likely to disappear overnight, but a few will have gone by now,- and with practice the others will weaken, and fade out of your life. Whenever you notice a negative thought, don’t indulge in its direction, think of your new you, and your desired results.
A key thought is self-compassion,- self- acceptance really. As opposed to it being all about self-esteem. Self-esteem is important, and focuses on evaluation and performance, where as self-acceptance, allows us to grow from where we are now.
To tell yourself, that you are different – not in some negative alienating way, but in a positive sense.
This is the key to real self-confidence, and leaving those old insecurities behind you.
photo courtesy of pdp net - WEYENBERGH JACKY
