A Cult of just one! The covert abuser. - Protecting yourself against manipulation - Part 1 of 5.

The Cult of one.

Many people get involved in groups or relationships because of unresolved issues of the past. 
Which is only natural, as that is our primary learning method. A carryover of security seeking from our youth.
-----Often at times recreating a familiar, unresolved scene with newer characters later in life.

In this context - people who do this without much work and knowledge of the dynamics of manipulation, will be helpless to their natural inclinations and will possibly respond just as they did within the original settings.  

Time for that to change for you.

To escape the Influence, coercion, and manipulation.

Ignoring the many opportunists - particularly those we call criminals, who find ways of making themselves 'indispensable' during someone’s hour of need. Most people who find themselves in abusive situations will only occasionally get there by accident. 

• They either accepted or tolerated the behaviours
• the initial payoff was an ideal or necessity at the time 
• the promises of the future matched their dream or perceived ideal
• they had yet to learn the deceit of others
• they had yet to acknowledge their own equal rights - to themselves
• they have yet to learn how to communicate their needs without threatening the (immature) abuser
• they pretended to ignore or accept the excuses for the 'red flags.'

Cults can be large or small, and most generally have a guru that controls individuals or small groups of individuals. Sometimes a one-on-one manipulative relationship between two individuals shows all the same dynamics of a large cult.  Sadly, this can also occur when one leaves an abusive setting, be it work, religion, or relationship. When attempting to find support after leaving an abusive setting or circumstance, a person is very likely to encounter others who have the negative effects of abuse themselves. You must be careful to avoid getting caught up long term in a new cult relationship with other survivors, counselors, or other well-meaning people who do not have expertise in recovery from manipulation and abuse. Look for possibility people who are able to move forward without the emotions of fear/hate/anxiety.

A one-on-one cult is really a deliberately manipulative and exploitative intimate relationship between two persons, often involving abuse of the subordinate partner; commonly psychological, and emotional, many times physical - if not direct blows, health and stress induced trauma.

In the one-on-one cult, which we call a relationship, there is a significant power imbalance between the two participants. The stronger uses his (or her) influence to control, manipulate, abuse, and exploit the other.

The relationship may even be more intense than participation in a group cult since all the attention and abuse is focused on one person, often with more damaging consequences. Many marriages or domestic relationships where there is spousal abuse may be this way. If not, the habitual controller, will strip or demean the initially better person, so that they can have some power, - these people do leave clues -

• if their last partner committed suicide or developed nutritional health problems
• started drinking or started taking drugs or started gambling
• they've had a succession of people just up and leave them
• they talk badly about others
• they talk badly about their partner or previous life associates
• they favour their - particularly - horse, over people contact
• their children or parent/s are criminals

Do NOT get into a long term association with these people - they are repeat offenders, and you will never be safe. Quietly, and quickly fade away from their lives. Find someone else.

Other one-on-one cults may be found in bad boss/employee situations, in Christian churches, in therapist/client relationships, in prison officer/prisoner or interrogator/suspect situations, and in teacher/student environments.
Watch for the guru effect, especially from either;- a well presented, or poorly presented extreme.

The most common techniques used include - 

• isolation and the provocation of fear; 
• alternating kindness and threat to produce disequilibrium; 
• the induction of guilt, 
• or self-blame, 
• the creation of a dependency, 
• and enforced learned helplessness - as a way of survival.

The degree to which these features are present in a relationship affects the intensity of control and allows the relationship to be labeled one-sided or abusive.
 The similarities between 1- devotion, and 2- the traumatic bonding that occurs between battered individuals and their abusers are striking. 

An abused partner is usually made to, or influenced to submit to the following types of behaviors:

• early verbal and/or physical dominance
• sexual restriction as a tool, or sexual over domination
• isolation/imprisonment
• fear arousal and maintenance
• guilt induction expressions of love (for example - dependent on the number or frequency of chocolate bars given.)
• enforced loyalty to the controller
• promotion of powerlessness and helplessness
• expressions of jealousy
• hope-instilling behaviors
• required secrecy

 
The graphic below, shows their overall plan for you.

Some recommended links to start you on your easier life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book -"..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

 

 

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.

Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  

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Assertiveness training,& stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

 

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

Manipulators use manipulation because it works - Resisting it. 9 Easy techniques to get your life back.

Fun or control?

To Resist or Leave? A good question.     When you feel like you are caught in a web of manipulation, your immediate goal is to stop being a compliant player in your controller's life game.
Whether this is a relationship, a nuisance neighbour, your supervisor, a government agency, Christian guru, work mates, or landlady, or a relative.

In the interests of your personal safety - you must be prepared. Do not be so vocal in your approach, as the other or others will quickly turn to violence, either physical or legal. Re-read The Miss Battles article, then come back here.

It is easy to win, as these people are always focused primarily on the short term - do think of them as a corrupt politician - and you will succeed.

Mostly their behaviour patterns come from a false sense of entitlement, combined with fears of maintaining or not their security - usually social image.
Once you are rested and in a better position, you can assist their change - whether it is as a payback or revenge, or a supportive repatterning.

The initial focus needs to be on you establishing some modicum of control over your life.

 There are two approaches to this goal: Resistance and/or Distance (either psychologically, or physical space, by leaving the relationship altogether).

A very easy, non threatening way is to insert a period of time between the manipulator’s request or demand and your response. Even a few minutes for a start - gives you a little power.
The 'graspers' of the world are not used to this, so have a valid excuse for a few minutes only first off. Then lengthen the gap as the days go on, and more requests come through.

Resist the urge to tell them off, or tell them to f*** off, as valid as that is - I've found it best to keep that until after you are safe, and away from them. As their social value as they perceive it - is their main Achilles heel - we can deal with them later, with that in mind.

Resistance

 

When you resist manipulative pressure successfully, you shift the power balance in the relationship. Most manipulators, are indeed passive/aggressive behaviour types. If not plain aggressive.
You are better than that, and you will pretend you are a resistance fighter in the war.  
Do not shoot them, or kill them - you will get in trouble - we have better ideas to resolve it - read on.
 Be aware that this shift in the power equation will alter the relationship and the behavior of both parties involved. Do not be afraid of this change, you'll get plenty of facial grimaces, poor verbalizations, cold shoulders etc...

You must keep your eye on the prize - you, and the value you have for society, and you. You can, and must re-claim your freedom, autonomy, self-respect, integrity, and self-esteem. These inconsequentials have tried to use you as a stepping stone to look good.

Since you are going to, and will, initiate the changes and will hold your ground, the manipulator can choose either to adapt to your lead (behaviour modification) - or else remain stuck in a strategy that no longer works, at least as far as the relationship with you is concerned.

And many manipulative personalities simply do not and will not change, apart from finding another fresh target....

For such individuals, manipulation of others is their SOP - standard operating plan - their perfect way of functioning. ..

Remember, manipulators use manipulation because it works.

 

Stop helping them, you are allowed to look after yourself.

 

Distance yourself.

There are worse consequences than leaving or losing a relationship altogether. Certainly losing yourself for years, in the fog of manipulation - losing sight of who you are and what you really value, need and believe is the worst thing - and indeed the precursor of many a depression.

Remaining a partner in this manipulation, diminishing your self-respect or integrity, and losing your self-esteem is absolutely not on - and the inconsequentials will have started this process from the beginning.

Finally – and this is important – if your willingness to be manipulated costs you a relationship, That may be a good thing here.

Nine easy ways to Resist Manipulation

1- Take a little time.

Once you start to build in time to think about your options, your sense of control will increase day by day. You are not asking permission, you are just finishing something for you first. Again, the graspers, entitled, and pseudo-rich will not be used to this, so start small.

2- The Broken Record

A brief why is good, though as a statement;- do not have a conversation with the manipulator about why you need time, or what you are going to think over.
Acknowledge that you hear and understand the manipulator, but repeat your statement of  "I'll be there in a minute/hour..." just like a broken record.

3- Desensitizing Anxiety, Fear and Guilt

These have been their weapons of control, and they will get worse as the intensity in their mind increases. Lay off the alcohol, THC, etc for yourself; - go for a walk, read a comic book, think of your new future.
To resist manipulation effectively, you must learn to tolerate these possibly foreign and uncomfortable feelings.

4- Security

Start to develop your independence - especially food choices, clothing, haircuts, and income or money.

5- Labeling the Manipulation

Educate yourself, read the Lazy lawyer article, and know what is really going on. Do shut your mouth though, confrontation when they feel entitled will not be in your best interests. They will lie, deceive, and poison etc etc.

6- Disabling the Manipulation

To disable a manipulation, you need to state that you understand the manipulator’s goal, but that the manipulative tactic she is choosing to use will not work to accomplish that goal, and we should to come up with a better plan.

7-Setting Your Terms

It is not all about pleasing them, as much as they are used to this. Respectfully, start to take a few minutes a day for your own sanity.

8- Compromising & Negotiating

A manipulator is only interested in serving her own interests and her own ends. Left to his or her own devices, she will never be looking out for what you need or desire. And they will say you have to compromise, while he or she has no intention of doing so. It is now time for you to stand up for yourself a little, and/or get in an authority in their world to tell them to give you some slack.

9- Plan your Future.

These people do change, it needs you and all others in their life to stop responding in the ways you have done before, and needs at least one or two major consecutive negative emotional catastrophes at the same time as you being strong.

Consequently, you are better off to limit your exposure to these people - and significantly distance yourself, while you develop your inner sense of self.


Important; - A partnership is a healthy co-operation on meeting each of your respective needs and preferences, having talked about it equitably beforehand.



Some recommended links to start you on your easier life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

 

 

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  






Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...


Become the best you can be with Mindmint







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

Dealing with the real estate agent, realtor, the lazy lawyer, or any manipulative person.

Which witch has the power?

Manipulative People. How to Deal with Them?

 

Manipulative people try not to be obvious in their mannerisms, which is part of their learnt deception.

 Whether, they are a difficult marriage partner, bad spouse, or one of the aforementioned, and notably government licensed people, their modus operandi and intent is the same.

They win by either taking from you what is yours, or minimizing its or your life value, and you lose.
In essence, a type of rape - using subterfuge to deceive you for their advantage.

We have come out on top several times, and it is a great feeling, even after that, they've generally pulled the inform the police card - a good reason for you to stay clean.

It takes effort, and time out of your life to deal with these people, and that fulfills their desire of self importance (a personality type - so do beware - this is a significant red flag).

When someone is openly assertive in outlining the requirements, you find it a lot easier to agree on a mutually beneficial outcome.

These other people are afraid of losing the advantage, something like the weak bully, so they will use the lies, half truths, and other mechanisms to trick you.

• A question disguised as a statement 
• Making a personal statement, and pretending it is someone else's
• Guilt trips
• Confrontational statements
• The "silent treatment"
• The "no way out" question
• Lies

1. A question disguised as a statement
Manipulative people hate asking questions because it means they may lose control. So they will use a directive question.
Examples:
"I am wondering why you..."
"Perhaps you could..."
"I wish you could..for us/me"
"I suppose you are going to..."

How to deal with it:
When dealing with manipulative people, answer questions only, not directives. Try to recognize the difference. You must learn to not get deceived by these.
Usually by saying "I can't look at this right now," or "I have to be somewhere in a minute, I'll catch up with you later" will defeat their objective.

2. Making a personal statement and pretending it's someone else's
This allows manipulative people to put the blame on someone else, therefore not taking responsibility for his or her opinion.
Examples:
"We were wondering if you..."
"They said you..."
"She thought you..."
"Everyone thinks you..."

How to deal with it:
Ask who is "we", "they", or "someone" and ask what the manipulator thinks is a solution. Then ignore whatever they have said - saying "I'll have to get some second opinions."

3. Guilt Trips
Manipulative people use statements to make you feel guilty about doing or not doing something. You don't expect it and it blinds your ordinarily good judgment.
Examples:
"I don't you care if...."
"If you loved me..."
"Everyone knows that..."
"Every decent person would..."
"I just knew you would say that!"
"Can't you take a joke?"
"You could never do..."
"I thought that's what you wanted"

How to deal with it:
Recognize the manipulative statement. If you can, reduce your exposure to the statement because they are trying to get it to stick to you. Whenever you hear it, just say "No", then "No", then "No" thanks.

4. Confrontational Statements:
 Those statements are used to put you on the defensive. If you play the manipulator's game, you will end up in a fight without knowing how it started.
Examples:
"Why do you always..."
"Do you expect me to..."
"I can't believe you would..."
"I thought we were going to..."
"Why should I have to..."
"I've been told that..."
"How could you..."
"Why don't you..."
"Did you hear me?"
"Well, does that mean that I have to..."
"I thought you..."
"Don't you think you (we) should..."
"Are you telling me..."
"I thought we agreed..."

How to deal with it:
Let things slide. Don't respond to their bad behavior, or demean yourself by apologizing.
You can choose not to fight by using one of the following replies:
"I'll have to think about that"
"We can talk later."
"I prefer it like that"
"I need to check with..."
"You're right" (and drop the subject)

5. The "Silent Treatment"
Manipulative people may stop talking to you altogether and want to find out how long it will take before you crack. This is a standard sales technique, and taken to its extreme is how they get control.

How to deal with it:
Simply say "Let me know when you feel like talking" and nothing else. Act like it is no big deal. Get busy with something else and put a smile on your face. If you crack now, they'll use this tactic again and again. Be aware that sometimes people need time to think things out, especially when they are angry. Mostly they will say, "I need some time out."

6. The "No Way Out" question
You are being asked a question and you think you are given a choice, but the answer has already been decided by the manipulator. The question shouldn't be the time of the appointment, but whether you want an appointment at all. After such a question, there is a pregnant pause and, since you are programmed to respond to a conversational pause by offering to help, you jump in and do whatever the manipulator wants you to do.
Examples:
"Would you like an appointment at 6:15 or 6:30?"
"Do you want the red one or the blue one?"
"Don't you think that...?"
"Aren't you happy that..."
"Have you stopped beating your wife?"

How to deal with it:
Be prepared to use one of those replies:
"I'll let you know"
"I'll have to think about that"
"No thanks"
"I disagree, I think you are mistaken/wrong"
"Sorry, I'm not interested"


7. Lies
- They add unnecessary details to an explanation.
- When you ask for an explanation or a clarification, they pause, or pretend not to know something,  even though they should know the answer.
- Hands to the face, twirling a pen, or in their pockets.
- They may be laughing nervously.
- They are not looking at you while speaking, or look at you too intensely.
- They will change the topic of the conversation.
- You feel something is wrong and your body may start reacting.
 He/she may start asking questions to put the focus on you, will start accusing you, or may be evasive saying "Oh well that all depends..." "I'm not sure...", or may change the subject completely.

How to deal with it:
With a compulsive liar, you have to accept that you will be deceived or let down. If you think you need them in your life, avoid any agreements you can, especially legal ones. Document and record and confirm all responses. Absolutely hide your copies safely, and privately. Reduce your contact time, and avoid questions. Don't ask a liar for anything and don't do anything for him/her either. Start to be self-reliant and financially and emotionally free.

Some Words of Caution

Remember that manipulative people are often so well practiced, that they use this as their only means of relating with the rest of society.
Many of the pseudo-wealthy, and 'experts' are masters at these deceptions. Something like the child's story of Rumpelstiltskin - they do not at any cost want to be exposed, and lose their 'power.'

For your own safety and well-being, refrain from addressing the issues; - they are always abusive when they or their offspring are held to account - use an anonymous tack towards an authority in their lives - Read the Miss Battles post.- and LEAVE, there are 17 billion people in the world, some good, be around them - not be poisoned by these ones.

Again - Whether, they are a difficult relationship partner, colleague, or especially government licensed people, their modus operandi and intent is the same. Watch for the 'entitlement' attitude.

They win by either taking from you what is yours, or minimizing its or your life value, and you lose.
In essence, a type of rape - using subterfuge to deceive you for their advantage, with their false entitlement.


  Recommended links to help you.....

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  






Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.
 Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Controlling Parents - are they all the same? Why can't I have my own life as an adult?

Our Lives are both unique and tied.

Controlling Parents – How Ever Do You Cope?!!  You only want to stop being manipulated by your mom and/or dad. Just an ordinary problem free relationship or visits must be possible. Many adult children who have controlling parents, think that.

To recognize the unease you have is a very positive step forward in your life.


There are lots of stories, where the 'controlled' children remained out their influencer's reach, and then succeeded remarkably well in their lives. As many millions of dollars, pounds, or francs have been made by the distancing practice as have the family support model. Interestingly enough, predominantly - the dollars/pounds - rather than other cultural upbringings.


To get started, let us assume, you are an adult trying to make your own way in the world- 


1- Let go of your need to please your parents. We do grow up seeking approval, affirmation, and love from our parents, and that really is OK. Even as grown children, we may want them to keep loving us, approving of us etc.,  and that is why it’s difficult to confront them, when we don’t want to disappoint or anger them.
A secret for coping with controlling parents – or any toxic person in your life – is to recognize your need to please them, and let go of it. Or, at the least, learn how to observe it all in the third person.


2-Learn to recognize emotional blackmail. This is one of the best ways to take your life back, - (from any abuser in fact) - and you have started by your questions.
If you have controlling parents, you may recognize that they disguise their criticism with jokes at your expense, or by pointedly saying how well another is doing - seeming to try to make you feel guilty for past behavior, or constantly make you feel bad about your life.
They don’t seem to want to let you live your life! Before confronting difficult parents, it’s important to recognize and learn to deal with emotional blackmail.


3-Separate emotion from an action plan. An action plan says, "I want a better life, better relationships. and I will have it for me." You might have to do something you don’t want to do;-  change a job you enjoy parts of, move to a different place, set and stay with your boundaries, develop some assertiveness, and stand up to other  members of the family. All good challenges for you to meet.
It is easy to take your life back, and it’s effective.
Put aside the emotions of "I’m scared/tired/frustrated/miserable," - you were taught these responses for your parents benefit.


4-Stop wishing your parents less controlling, or different. These controlling parents are yours, and if you’re still wishing they were different, that is a good start, yet won't help your reality to change. Don’t  give up hope for a better relationship with your parents, as an adult you now have a different one.  They may continue to be overbearing, difficult, and so on....but really you are now an adult, and you are free to distance yourself emotionally, physically, socially, and financially. Start a little today.


 5-Cut your financial ties to parents who want to control. Some parents use a supply or not of money to control you- which might be OK as a child, but instead of staying financially beholden, you might find ways to free herself and take your life back. A bank loan is definitely not ideal, yet if you are 200% sure it is worth it and you can pay the interest - fees - and - principal off - it could be worth the release - even if the money was originally a gift.
It’s not a 'gift' if it’s taking an emotional toll, and used as such. Or, if everyone agrees that the money isn’t owed (the mortgage help or baby food was a gift, for example), then sign something together, that states there is no money owing - and put it somewhere independently safe.This paper contractual evidence does help.



6- Services- If a big deal or drama is made over babysitting - usually- start a babysitting club with some trustworthy friends. If they are helping maintain your home, or lifestyle - get some friends around to do yours and the friends. Your parents must redefine their own lives. If a regular visit, or meal is a trial - leave the county, or country - and send lovely postcards or photos on that family day. Your mental health, and your overall well-being will remarkably improve.


7- Same house-/accommodation- Develop different hobbies, or at least something educational or creative, Udemy has plenty of good courses for in home study - that separates your life from theirs.
They will disapprove, that is their power and control technique - listen -empathize - and move on with your life.
Moving out may be a better option - they will complain - abuse - cry - gossip etc. etc.- you can allow them this; - again - observe in the third person -move on with your life. Then they can begin to move on with theirs.

Read - Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.

Then read or watch some harmless humour - and now begin to move forward in your life.


Are your parents toxic, and perhaps even destructive? A small percentage are, and they have a massive societal effect. Give up your expectations - it is your life, and you are allowed it. Assist them if you wish - that is fair enough - it helps them to feel as they have been acknowledged for the work in bringing you up. This is what most 'normal' parents are seeking.

 You must begin to 'rule' or take charge of your own life, it may be the healthiest thing you ever do for yourself.



Recommended links to help you...

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Or take an Assertiveness course. These will help you stand your ground without becoming aggressive or hostile.
If you feel physically intimidated by people, you might want to consider a self-defense course, or training books as well.



Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

pic courtesy public domain

Why does everyone else seem to be happy? What is their secret?

A youthful happiness for us.

Finding your Happiness, is it even possible?

Picture the child at the playground, or the party, - with bags of lollies or nice clothes. She or he is surrounded by toys, doting parents, and other happy kids.

Yet, although their world appears to be exactly as they’d want it, they are sobbing in apparent distress.

A dramatic representation for sure, yet many of us are not all that different from the little boy or girl on the playground. Many of us are going about, or seeing happiness distinctly wrong.

Despite what we may believe,or are told, we are not really seeking our own happiness at all. We at times don’t know ourselves well enough to figure out what we actually want. We conform to the ideas and ideals of our society, our family, and other influences, that sway our own point of view.

Unless we are careful, we spend our lives repeating patterns and filling other's prescriptions from our past, that don’t serve us in the present, and we wind up seeking someone else’s idea of happiness for us.

There are many influences from our early environment that we internalize, repeat or adapt to.
For example, a narcissistic parent who acted superior and domineering. Perhaps, she boasted about herself, while putting you down or disregarding you completely. Growing up, you may take on her point of view toward yourself.
You will have mean thoughts or “critical inner voices” that tell you you’re inferior or that you are insignificant and only take up space.

You'll also run the risk of repeating the negative traits of your parent, in which case, you’ll notice having your own thoughts or feelings of superiority or entitlement.

Maybe you’ll act out the same condescending, critical attitudes toward your children, or your partner/s, or sidestep confrontation, to retreat into your self and avoid standing out.

These adaptations will have made you feel safe in your childhood, but these same traits will be hurting you and holding you back as an adult.

To achieve true happiness, we have to drop the baggage from our past, and resist any urge to play the victim role that others prefer us in.
When we acknowledge our own ability to choose, and thence our own power, we have a much stronger sense of resilience and can better handle life.

 Happiness involves maturity, knowing we that can’t control others, only ourselves.
Being parental toward those around us keeps us from focusing on changes we can make for ourselves. On the other side, being childish and allowing others to control us, again, undermines our power and potential.

Overall, contentment or happiness doesn’t come from filling our days with fun things. Thrill-seeking and instant gratifications don’t work for too long, as we become numb to them, or tired of the efforts as they fail to fulfill us on a deeper level.
To find and lead a life that has particular meaning to us, we can feel more satisfied and joyful.


   Happiness means being willing to evolve. We are most alive when we plan and expand and try new things. Happiness means maintaining your interest in new and lively choices that will keep the spark inside you alive.

When we look at these principles, we quickly realize that seeking happiness isn’t selfish. When we are authentic, happy and fulfilled individuals, we are far better for the people around us and for society at large.
We are better parents, better partners, better bosses, co-workers, friends and citizens. As we follow the path we have carved for ourselves, we can still expect old influences to seep in and critical inner voices to flood our heads.

It is up to us to satisfy, and answer those thoughts to some degree, thus freeing us, and allowing our release from their hold.

We then become the designers of our happiness, and begin to lead a fulfilling life.




Recommend links to help you.


Astrology Karmic Love readings for you today.

Grow yourself online in the privacy of your own home


Live Tarot readers for you today.


Desktop Tarot, books, cards and more - for you and your friends.




photo courtesy Yann - Wikipedia commons - Enfants dansant, Journée internationale de la Paix 2009, Genève.

How to get back to normal after a threatening and horrible event, finding a path way through.

Cage of life and humanity

Getting back to normal after a threatening and horrible event, or even finding a path way through the mixed emotions we feel, and the events we relive in our minds; seems like an insurmountable struggle against the world.

Fear becomes a way of life. You don't trust yourself, and don't trust anyone else, either. Some people respond to their outer critics by acting out against others, or to batten down the hatches and disappear.

Most peoples responses are to never fully trust again, period.

In moderation, that is a valid approach in part, as the trusting-ness often led us into the situation. 
Put back in your mind though; that not 100% of the world are awful 100% of the time. Some good in humanity, and nature at different times, does exist.

Being labelled with PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress, it does seem accurate - all we really want to do is:-

1- not have had it happened,

2- never have it happen again to us,

3- destroy the person or cause responsible, for some small level of satisfaction.
 (number 3 is a good plan - but stay within your regime's or jurisdiction's law - 
- it does save time and hassles) 

4-focus on rebuilding what we had, or desired.

********

 Despite it all being “invisible” externally, is as real as a devastating physical wound, for those that suffer its disabling effects.

On a positive note - in time - we do become healed, and better equipped for the future with our new knowledge.

It can keep getting triggered by small reminders, only serving to hold us, or put us back in a place of not coping, or unsure even if our feelings our valid, or is it OK to even think that way.

No one else, really understands what we have been through, and they offer only bandages or platitudes which serve to cover the inner damage we feel.

To us it is as real as this moment now sometimes, - our inner critic's voices questioning us, and the seeming intensity of all we only wish to be dulled, so that we can cope, and get on with our life.

We do need to silence the lies that those inner voices (responses) tell us about ourselves, that we have used for so long as part of a coping method. -  (NB. they are usually invocations from someone wanting power over you).
The inner critic tells you that you're defective and responsible for every bad thing that happens to you. The outer critic tells you that most human beings shouldn’t be trusted because they are all potentially, dangerous.
Both your inner critic and outer critic lie to you.

Most of the stress comes from the list of thoughts above, and our lack of resources, or even being allowed to deal with it.

Your plan for you, is to develop thoughts of altering your responses, not abolishing the feelings.

To re-frame the events and responses as a movie (in which you are a less passionate observer is perfect, or to re-frame or physically distance yourself is as good).

Being respectful of a your internal resistance, is critical in your long term improvement...gentle, respectful work is amazingly powerful.

*not pushing for results- as your abuser/authority has done, and who are never satisfied until they fully disable you, driving you into a deep depression and isolation from others - This is the politician's,- banker's,- abuser's,- authority's, and warmonger's game plan, to have ultimate control over you.

Whether it is war, losing friends, family, or your things; being hurt physically or psychologically - we can improve our lives to a happy place - or one of contentment with ourselves at least.

You are allowed, and it is OK to become the leader in your own life.



Recommended links to help you.

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

photo courtesy wikipedia commons peter cruise

Eight qualites or 8 traits of a healthy relationship, that we all look for

To enjoy love and life

Yes, relationships do make our world. For better or for worse.

If we lived or were able to live in a world without people, it may not be so.

Sometimes, without just some particular types of people it would be good.

Yet the reality of the world, is that our ability to build, maintain, and enhance our relationships defines our 'success.'

There is a joy to life in a positive fulfilling relationship. And, of course, as many people find out, it brings so much pain when a relationship breaks down, with someone dear to you.

There are a few simple basics that determine most human relationships, and here's a list of the main eight, that make up healthy relationships.

1. Love. Now, this all depends on your definition of  love . We can do much to increase our chances of having terrific relationships—relationships that are fulfilling and exciting, rich with meaning, joy and love.
When you say you like someone, you are talking about how you feel. But when you say that you love someone, you are not necessarily talking about how you feel about them. Love is much deeper than a feeling. It is an action word. Love is a commitment we make to people to always treat that person with empathy, acceptance (you can accept the person - and not accept their actions or behaviour), and reasonable equality (fairness). This is the basis of all healthy relationships.


2. Serving Heart. One of the world's best communicators: - Zig Ziglar says frequently that - "you can have everything you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want out of life." The primary concept he is talking about is having a heart and life that is focused on serving other people. Even though he uses it - as you should do too - as a recipe for success.The Christian Bible puts it this way: consider others’ interests as more important than your own. This is a good fundamental to a successful relationship, so long as you consider your own health first. A similar, but better thinking, is to mutually consider others long term interests, guiding them depending on there current abilities.


3. Honest Communication. In any good relationship you will find non-deceptive communication. Communication is important, because it is the vehicle that allows us to verbalize what is inside us and enables it to connect with another person. And this is a vital goal in good relationships—to communicate, to tell each other what we are thinking and what we are feeling. It enables us to make a connection, building the relationship and making it stronger.If we just communicate, we can get by. But if we communicate skillfully, we can go far in life!


4. Friendliness. Put simply, relationships work better when we are friendly with others. The fact is that the friendlier you are the more you are going to have people who want to pursue longer-lasting, mutually beneficial relationships with you. So put on a smile, have a few kind words to say to others, treat people with friendliness, and you will see your all of your relationships improve.


5. Patience. Or tolerance of imperfectness. People are not perfect and most have been brought up differently in some way to us. A lot of relationships break down because people give up and lose patience; - all kinds - of friendships, marriages, business relationships, etc.Those who give up on relationships too early, or because the other person isn’t perfect, often forget that their next friend, their next spouse or business partner will not be perfect either! As in fact they may not be. So we would do well to cultivate this skill and learn to have more patience.


6. Loyalty. Loyalty is a commitment to another person. Sadly, loyalty is often a missing element in many relationships today. Every modern generation after the 1950's has said that. Our consumer mentality has affected this to some degree. It is one thing to switch brands of dish-washing detergent. It is another thing altogether to switch friends. Sometimes we just need to commit to being loyal and let the relationship move forward. This kind of loyalty will take our relationships to a much deeper level. What a powerful and secure feeling of knowing that you have a relationship with someone who is loyal to you and you to them—that neither of you is going anywhere even when things get tough.


7. A Common Purpose. One of the basics of healthy relationships is to have a common purpose, and oftentimes this is a component that is initially overlooked, but for a long-term, long-lasting relationship it is critical. Think about how many friends you have met through the years while working on a common purpose. Working together, building together, failing and succeeding together—all while pursuing a common purpose—is what relationships are made of. Find people with whom you have common purposes and sow the seeds of great relationships, and then the long-lasting benefits will be amazing. 


8. Fun. All good relationships have some element of fun. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean loud, drunken, or noisy fun. Fun brings enjoyment to the relationship and that is important. This key element can be easily forgotten or neglected in our family and spousal relationships.The fun things we did initially in a new relationship after a while can be taken for granted or simply fall by the wayside, with the demands of life, and we stop creating the fun and smiles. So remember to consciously craft fun situations and moments, for these are the glue that hold our memories together and make our lives sweet. It can be fun in business too, and you will prefer to do business with the successful who are more pleasant to be with.


There are a lot of ingredients in successful, long-lasting relationships. Each of these eight parts brings easy rewards to your relationships. Let’s begin to focus on improving our relationships in these areas and see what miracles occur!


Recommended links to help you.....

Discover the ideas to achieve your dreams, with help from the master of success.

Unlock the power of you, and better personal relationships with help from Zig Ziglar.



Spiritual click- meet your soulmate



Connect with Christian singles now.







pic courtesy of  pdpnet Vojko Kalan

*'Miss Battles' - the 20 something spoiled brat and how to deal with them.

Am I special yet?

The bully little 6 year old kids in a 20 something year old body, and older. 

They in fact never to seem to grow out of their 3-6 year old learnt behavior. From the age of 6 to 86 - until they die.

Their tiresome dramatic responses to the world, places them in the realm of a low grade film destined to be forgotten, and swept aside as a gross interruption to humanity.

This is their psychic trauma - afraid of being forgotten, they continue to resort to poorly acted, yet well planned dramatics to get the attention they crave.

Whether it is know it all opinions, clothing, or lack of it, and outrageous actions-under the influence of alcohol, drugs, religion or any rational they find accepted in their clique.

 They harass, gossip, and generally demean others, minimizing others value so that their 'bodacious' body and coiffured hair - to them alone - may stand out from normality.

Offering no value to the world, other than a receptacle for, or as,- low grade entertainment, they apparently simple-mindedly pursue the attention, - positive and negative - of all. They will have sense of unease about them, and spend time, money, and life trying to cover up or compensate for this. Being blonde or some other highlighted hair - is a good marker.

Often a baby from a relationship of a lawyer, government employee, or government contractor, and most commonly found in the non-productive areas:- of political or government employ, as a 'supervisor' in a media industry, as a shop assistant in any good looking shop, as a martyred single mother, or living with a financially supportive partner; they attempt to exercise power by deception and subterfuge:- and the standards of "I didn't see that", "I can't recall," "That doesn't seem to fit in company policy...." etc etc.

Their hobbies may be few, apart from drinks or a sponsored meal in some form with the group or crew - "I must be seen to fit in, but show I'm better than them, so they look up to me" is the mantra.

Their favourite pet will be a horse - of course an extension of power, they so little have internally.

Like most things in their lives - they will not have paid for it, having charmed some individual into releasing funds/time or assets to their favour. Their 'favours' will be effusive, yet minimal in reality; calculated to bring them the highest return for their gift of presence.

The spoiled brat behaviour that is typical of these know-it-all girls, is that they take a few lessons of anything, and suddenly want to bully their opinion - with their often half thought out and dangerous advice, that will probably get someone hurt.

When someone tries to ignore them, or more so - brings them to be accountable; they have a hussy fit and go on their barn witch evil mission.

Always behind the scenes, stirring up drama, creating problems.

As a farmer I have seen this at many places, these charming little bullies that get their feelings hurt - and then do things like starting with poor timekeeping and personal hygiene, then they'll let the animals out, unlock gates, feed horses bad hay, throw peoples tack in the trash, or create situations where their lowlife friends of friends steal or sabotage gear, throwing horse poop in the horses water, leaving water taps running, poisons out, one of or many of, these, and other vile and illegal things.

All the time saying -"I didn't mean to", "I didn't know" - you didn't show me" or "say I needed to today","I had a migraine/headache" "Ive got my period" "I think I'm pregnant" - "I can't get pregnant", "My aunties cousins sisters pet snake is not well"-- I'm sure you get the picture.

They make others suffer when they can't get their way. They will throw a fit, scream and call the police, or involve the courts presenting themselves as a victim. Unfortunately they are often believed, as practiced as they are in their own style of presentation.

The same scenes happen at work, in town, and everywhere the *'Miss Battles' are.

Do not seek these woman out,- (whether they are in a man's or woman's body - the results are the same). Do not contact her or reply to any contact with her. Block her in all your social networks to stop her reckless behavior. Do not feed her - physically, psychologically, or emotionally.
Answer any questions noncommittally (as she does); being aware everything you say/do not say or do,etc.. will be offered in evidence against you. 

Be obvious in your good works yourself, it will gain you great support.

Be polite, smile, and create and maintain a significant distance - either mentally or physically, and especially emotionally.

If it is at work, encourage and support them to get a promotion quickly - far out of your domain; - if you made the mistake of employing them - bring on a verbal (recorded) polite warning, and then overload them continuously with tasks (legally), so that they leave of their own volition - if you fire them it will cost you - be prepared.

If you are in a sexual or close relationship with them, very quietly plan to escape, and do so at your earliest convenience; making it seem it is their idea, or that it is the best thing for them. 

Introduce and give them to your enemies - ensuring they hold no information or access to your life. 
They already have their plans in place - have done since they were or weren't noticed as a toddler.

Keep your comments to yourself, these ones are vindictive and petty people that will use the system against you, even if you tell the truth.

They themselves predominantly operate on fear management, so to anonymously ask the tax revenue office, "how can they afford........?? I think they might be........... I don't know",  -- or the animal and child protection agencies " are you aware that.......? or " they seem to be......."

Don't bother with the police, these individuals know the police and court system well enough to get their own way. There are a plethora of government agencies always wanting publicity as to how well their services are needed - they want to prove that their salaries/egos are of value to keep receiving them. Give them this chance to prove themselves.

Anonymous public embarrassment is the key. The anonymity is to protect you, the agencies will not - they are easily duped by the Miss Battles of the world, and,- these people do remember, and have the worst of the worst people as supporters.

Before you do it - ask yourself for 21 continuous days - how would I like it if this was done to me?
It may be easier and better to quietly move on, someone will catch up with them - even the God/s.


You, will not change them - after at least 14 years of the same behaviours getting them what they want, the habits are ingrained.

If they are attractive, wealthy, good physically, or some other desired attribute, by all means share that part of your life with them for the moment -
Be very aware that you are playing with a toxic chemical weapon - and be very aware of the risks.

Out of 17 billion people in the world, there are others that are more suitable for your life journey.

*If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.

It really is the time for you to now, to develop some power and assertiveness techniques; so as well as knowing the existence or predictable behaviours of these people, - that are determined to prevent your success - you will have the natural skills to move ahead with poise and control.


                                         *The name-'Miss Battles' is used as a representative fiction to characterize a type.
 



Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple... 

Napoleon Hill's books - the bibles of success.


  
Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.








Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Develop a millionaire mindset easily and quickly with -








Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-  

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.
 
The Tarot helps - use it; - used as it is meant to be, it is another tool in your magic chest for getting what you want in life. It does make it easier for you.

Live Tarot readers for you today.

photo courtesy pdpics,com Abeer khan