A Cult of just one! The covert abuser. - Protecting yourself against manipulation - Part 1 of 5.

The Cult of one.

Many people get involved in groups or relationships because of unresolved issues of the past. 
Which is only natural, as that is our primary learning method. A carryover of security seeking from our youth.
-----Often at times recreating a familiar, unresolved scene with newer characters later in life.

In this context - people who do this without much work and knowledge of the dynamics of manipulation, will be helpless to their natural inclinations and will possibly respond just as they did within the original settings.  

Time for that to change for you.

To escape the Influence, coercion, and manipulation.

Ignoring the many opportunists - particularly those we call criminals, who find ways of making themselves 'indispensable' during someone’s hour of need. Most people who find themselves in abusive situations will only occasionally get there by accident. 

• They either accepted or tolerated the behaviours
• the initial payoff was an ideal or necessity at the time 
• the promises of the future matched their dream or perceived ideal
• they had yet to learn the deceit of others
• they had yet to acknowledge their own equal rights - to themselves
• they have yet to learn how to communicate their needs without threatening the (immature) abuser
• they pretended to ignore or accept the excuses for the 'red flags.'

Cults can be large or small, and most generally have a guru that controls individuals or small groups of individuals. Sometimes a one-on-one manipulative relationship between two individuals shows all the same dynamics of a large cult.  Sadly, this can also occur when one leaves an abusive setting, be it work, religion, or relationship. When attempting to find support after leaving an abusive setting or circumstance, a person is very likely to encounter others who have the negative effects of abuse themselves. You must be careful to avoid getting caught up long term in a new cult relationship with other survivors, counselors, or other well-meaning people who do not have expertise in recovery from manipulation and abuse. Look for possibility people who are able to move forward without the emotions of fear/hate/anxiety.

A one-on-one cult is really a deliberately manipulative and exploitative intimate relationship between two persons, often involving abuse of the subordinate partner; commonly psychological, and emotional, many times physical - if not direct blows, health and stress induced trauma.

In the one-on-one cult, which we call a relationship, there is a significant power imbalance between the two participants. The stronger uses his (or her) influence to control, manipulate, abuse, and exploit the other.

The relationship may even be more intense than participation in a group cult since all the attention and abuse is focused on one person, often with more damaging consequences. Many marriages or domestic relationships where there is spousal abuse may be this way. If not, the habitual controller, will strip or demean the initially better person, so that they can have some power, - these people do leave clues -

• if their last partner committed suicide or developed nutritional health problems
• started drinking or started taking drugs or started gambling
• they've had a succession of people just up and leave them
• they talk badly about others
• they talk badly about their partner or previous life associates
• they favour their - particularly - horse, over people contact
• their children or parent/s are criminals

Do NOT get into a long term association with these people - they are repeat offenders, and you will never be safe. Quietly, and quickly fade away from their lives. Find someone else.

Other one-on-one cults may be found in bad boss/employee situations, in Christian churches, in therapist/client relationships, in prison officer/prisoner or interrogator/suspect situations, and in teacher/student environments.
Watch for the guru effect, especially from either;- a well presented, or poorly presented extreme.

The most common techniques used include - 

• isolation and the provocation of fear; 
• alternating kindness and threat to produce disequilibrium; 
• the induction of guilt, 
• or self-blame, 
• the creation of a dependency, 
• and enforced learned helplessness - as a way of survival.

The degree to which these features are present in a relationship affects the intensity of control and allows the relationship to be labeled one-sided or abusive.
 The similarities between 1- devotion, and 2- the traumatic bonding that occurs between battered individuals and their abusers are striking. 

An abused partner is usually made to, or influenced to submit to the following types of behaviors:

• early verbal and/or physical dominance
• sexual restriction as a tool, or sexual over domination
• isolation/imprisonment
• fear arousal and maintenance
• guilt induction expressions of love (for example - dependent on the number or frequency of chocolate bars given.)
• enforced loyalty to the controller
• promotion of powerlessness and helplessness
• expressions of jealousy
• hope-instilling behaviors
• required secrecy

 
The graphic below, shows their overall plan for you.

Some recommended links to start you on your easier life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book -"..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

 

 

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.

Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  

Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -








Assertiveness training,& stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

 

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

Manipulators use manipulation because it works - Resisting it. 9 Easy techniques to get your life back.

Fun or control?

To Resist or Leave? A good question.     When you feel like you are caught in a web of manipulation, your immediate goal is to stop being a compliant player in your controller's life game.
Whether this is a relationship, a nuisance neighbour, your supervisor, a government agency, Christian guru, work mates, or landlady, or a relative.

In the interests of your personal safety - you must be prepared. Do not be so vocal in your approach, as the other or others will quickly turn to violence, either physical or legal. Re-read The Miss Battles article, then come back here.

It is easy to win, as these people are always focused primarily on the short term - do think of them as a corrupt politician - and you will succeed.

Mostly their behaviour patterns come from a false sense of entitlement, combined with fears of maintaining or not their security - usually social image.
Once you are rested and in a better position, you can assist their change - whether it is as a payback or revenge, or a supportive repatterning.

The initial focus needs to be on you establishing some modicum of control over your life.

 There are two approaches to this goal: Resistance and/or Distance (either psychologically, or physical space, by leaving the relationship altogether).

A very easy, non threatening way is to insert a period of time between the manipulator’s request or demand and your response. Even a few minutes for a start - gives you a little power.
The 'graspers' of the world are not used to this, so have a valid excuse for a few minutes only first off. Then lengthen the gap as the days go on, and more requests come through.

Resist the urge to tell them off, or tell them to f*** off, as valid as that is - I've found it best to keep that until after you are safe, and away from them. As their social value as they perceive it - is their main Achilles heel - we can deal with them later, with that in mind.

Resistance

 

When you resist manipulative pressure successfully, you shift the power balance in the relationship. Most manipulators, are indeed passive/aggressive behaviour types. If not plain aggressive.
You are better than that, and you will pretend you are a resistance fighter in the war.  
Do not shoot them, or kill them - you will get in trouble - we have better ideas to resolve it - read on.
 Be aware that this shift in the power equation will alter the relationship and the behavior of both parties involved. Do not be afraid of this change, you'll get plenty of facial grimaces, poor verbalizations, cold shoulders etc...

You must keep your eye on the prize - you, and the value you have for society, and you. You can, and must re-claim your freedom, autonomy, self-respect, integrity, and self-esteem. These inconsequentials have tried to use you as a stepping stone to look good.

Since you are going to, and will, initiate the changes and will hold your ground, the manipulator can choose either to adapt to your lead (behaviour modification) - or else remain stuck in a strategy that no longer works, at least as far as the relationship with you is concerned.

And many manipulative personalities simply do not and will not change, apart from finding another fresh target....

For such individuals, manipulation of others is their SOP - standard operating plan - their perfect way of functioning. ..

Remember, manipulators use manipulation because it works.

 

Stop helping them, you are allowed to look after yourself.

 

Distance yourself.

There are worse consequences than leaving or losing a relationship altogether. Certainly losing yourself for years, in the fog of manipulation - losing sight of who you are and what you really value, need and believe is the worst thing - and indeed the precursor of many a depression.

Remaining a partner in this manipulation, diminishing your self-respect or integrity, and losing your self-esteem is absolutely not on - and the inconsequentials will have started this process from the beginning.

Finally – and this is important – if your willingness to be manipulated costs you a relationship, That may be a good thing here.

Nine easy ways to Resist Manipulation

1- Take a little time.

Once you start to build in time to think about your options, your sense of control will increase day by day. You are not asking permission, you are just finishing something for you first. Again, the graspers, entitled, and pseudo-rich will not be used to this, so start small.

2- The Broken Record

A brief why is good, though as a statement;- do not have a conversation with the manipulator about why you need time, or what you are going to think over.
Acknowledge that you hear and understand the manipulator, but repeat your statement of  "I'll be there in a minute/hour..." just like a broken record.

3- Desensitizing Anxiety, Fear and Guilt

These have been their weapons of control, and they will get worse as the intensity in their mind increases. Lay off the alcohol, THC, etc for yourself; - go for a walk, read a comic book, think of your new future.
To resist manipulation effectively, you must learn to tolerate these possibly foreign and uncomfortable feelings.

4- Security

Start to develop your independence - especially food choices, clothing, haircuts, and income or money.

5- Labeling the Manipulation

Educate yourself, read the Lazy lawyer article, and know what is really going on. Do shut your mouth though, confrontation when they feel entitled will not be in your best interests. They will lie, deceive, and poison etc etc.

6- Disabling the Manipulation

To disable a manipulation, you need to state that you understand the manipulator’s goal, but that the manipulative tactic she is choosing to use will not work to accomplish that goal, and we should to come up with a better plan.

7-Setting Your Terms

It is not all about pleasing them, as much as they are used to this. Respectfully, start to take a few minutes a day for your own sanity.

8- Compromising & Negotiating

A manipulator is only interested in serving her own interests and her own ends. Left to his or her own devices, she will never be looking out for what you need or desire. And they will say you have to compromise, while he or she has no intention of doing so. It is now time for you to stand up for yourself a little, and/or get in an authority in their world to tell them to give you some slack.

9- Plan your Future.

These people do change, it needs you and all others in their life to stop responding in the ways you have done before, and needs at least one or two major consecutive negative emotional catastrophes at the same time as you being strong.

Consequently, you are better off to limit your exposure to these people - and significantly distance yourself, while you develop your inner sense of self.


Important; - A partnership is a healthy co-operation on meeting each of your respective needs and preferences, having talked about it equitably beforehand.



Some recommended links to start you on your easier life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

 

 

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  






Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...


Become the best you can be with Mindmint







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

How to get back to normal after a threatening and horrible event, finding a path way through.

Cage of life and humanity

Getting back to normal after a threatening and horrible event, or even finding a path way through the mixed emotions we feel, and the events we relive in our minds; seems like an insurmountable struggle against the world.

Fear becomes a way of life. You don't trust yourself, and don't trust anyone else, either. Some people respond to their outer critics by acting out against others, or to batten down the hatches and disappear.

Most peoples responses are to never fully trust again, period.

In moderation, that is a valid approach in part, as the trusting-ness often led us into the situation. 
Put back in your mind though; that not 100% of the world are awful 100% of the time. Some good in humanity, and nature at different times, does exist.

Being labelled with PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress, it does seem accurate - all we really want to do is:-

1- not have had it happened,

2- never have it happen again to us,

3- destroy the person or cause responsible, for some small level of satisfaction.
 (number 3 is a good plan - but stay within your regime's or jurisdiction's law - 
- it does save time and hassles) 

4-focus on rebuilding what we had, or desired.

********

 Despite it all being “invisible” externally, is as real as a devastating physical wound, for those that suffer its disabling effects.

On a positive note - in time - we do become healed, and better equipped for the future with our new knowledge.

It can keep getting triggered by small reminders, only serving to hold us, or put us back in a place of not coping, or unsure even if our feelings our valid, or is it OK to even think that way.

No one else, really understands what we have been through, and they offer only bandages or platitudes which serve to cover the inner damage we feel.

To us it is as real as this moment now sometimes, - our inner critic's voices questioning us, and the seeming intensity of all we only wish to be dulled, so that we can cope, and get on with our life.

We do need to silence the lies that those inner voices (responses) tell us about ourselves, that we have used for so long as part of a coping method. -  (NB. they are usually invocations from someone wanting power over you).
The inner critic tells you that you're defective and responsible for every bad thing that happens to you. The outer critic tells you that most human beings shouldn’t be trusted because they are all potentially, dangerous.
Both your inner critic and outer critic lie to you.

Most of the stress comes from the list of thoughts above, and our lack of resources, or even being allowed to deal with it.

Your plan for you, is to develop thoughts of altering your responses, not abolishing the feelings.

To re-frame the events and responses as a movie (in which you are a less passionate observer is perfect, or to re-frame or physically distance yourself is as good).

Being respectful of a your internal resistance, is critical in your long term improvement...gentle, respectful work is amazingly powerful.

*not pushing for results- as your abuser/authority has done, and who are never satisfied until they fully disable you, driving you into a deep depression and isolation from others - This is the politician's,- banker's,- abuser's,- authority's, and warmonger's game plan, to have ultimate control over you.

Whether it is war, losing friends, family, or your things; being hurt physically or psychologically - we can improve our lives to a happy place - or one of contentment with ourselves at least.

You are allowed, and it is OK to become the leader in your own life.



Recommended links to help you.

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

photo courtesy wikipedia commons peter cruise

In the pit of despair. Why are things so bad? I think I Hate myself, really.........

“Why do I hate myself?"

“I hate myself” is a critical inner voice that people of all ages struggle with.
You most likely don't hate yourself - maybe the activities that you do or not - that bring you to a certain situation, of seeming hopelessness.

Where then, do thoughts like these come from?  Probably negative early life experiences.

Harmful views directed at us by parents,a group of friends, or other people we expect care from, are internalized to some degree.
Just as their positive attitudes toward us may help us to develop self-esteem and confidence, their more critical attitudes can crush us.

There is no useful value now, in blaming others.(It gives all the power to them- and so far they've helped you here).

They may be at fault, yet no one is perfect. Nearly everyone learns from their parents. and they can face challenges when they have children, as they have learnt mostly from their own past. For example, if we had a parent who often acted like we were a nuisance, constantly quieting us or even just appearing tense in our presence, we may take on a feeling about ourselves that we are a bother.
Whereas in fact it usually the adults life issue- then or carried through from before.

“How does hating myself affect my daily life?”

We're probably treating it like a coach and listening to its destructive advice. Don't- it is the wrong coach for you!
When it repeatedly tells us we are worthless, we may choose friends and partners who treat us as if we are worthless.
When we listen to our inner critic, we give it power over our lives.We become a "negative nanny", or naysayer - (not a markedly successful life attitude).
If you want a better life, change.
We may even start to project these critical thoughts onto others. We  perceive the world through its negative filter, and question or criticize people who see us differently from how our voice sees us. Again it is what you have been told or taught by an authority.
 It’s been engrained in us since early childhood, and we therefore often struggle; it is now time to change.

The critical inner voice is like an internal coach negatively commentating on our lives, influencing how we behave and how we feel about ourselves.

It has been put there to try and undermine our goals, and accomplishments: 

-“Who do you think you are? You’ll never be successful!”
-“This won’t end well. Sooner or later you’re going to mess up.”
It’s there to sabotage our relationships:
-“She doesn’t really love you. You shouldn’t trust her.”
 It’s even there to criticize those close to us: 
-“Why does he even hang out with you?
There must be something wrong with him.”
 Finally, this voice can seem self-soothing, encouraging us to act in ways that are self-destructive, then  punishing us:
 -“Go ahead, have that second piece of cake. You’ve had a rough week you deserve it.”
 Later, there will be comments like: 
-“You’re such a fat loser. How could you ruin your diet again?”

We listen to this critical inner voice, and if we mistake it for our real point of view, and we can believe what it tells us about ourselves.

*****It is a method of control - used by authorities - parents as well. By causing our self doubt, they create in us a desire to fill their wishes. We may tell ourselves off, to prevent the pain of rejection from another: - unless you are doing something really bad - in which case change- others views are not important.***

A clone is not as respected or valued as a unique being. Be someone unique.

“What can I do to stop hating myself?” 

To stop our cycle of self-hatred and live free from our imagined limits, we must learn to challenge our inner critic, and over-ride it.
Writing down your common response to situations- and a new positive (possibility focused) answer is a super way.
Or notice an undesired pattern- stop mentally, and think what is a better way.

Here is a simple one to start with:- If you are in a vehicle, next time you are the one left at the red stop light waiting- think "great, I'm in front...I'm the first one"; not your usual negative or blaming thoughts.

Starting with one or two thoughts that become habits, will create, that way of thinking for you, and bring both peace, and good things/circumstances to your notice.

It is actually OK for you to sort your own beliefs, values and ideals - no matter what your current associates, or your upbringing says.- you are in that situation because of you, or their support.
 Think, and plan - How do you want to live your life? What do you want for your future?

 As we pursue this goal of becoming our true selves, life only improves, as we do, the self denigration gets weaker and we become ourselves.
In some life situations we do need to take mental, or even physical time out.

Rather than alcohol,THC, or other substances - seek like minded forward/possibility thinkers -in a group, in a book, or look at the growing parts of nature.

*********

The following fable from AEsop- will help bring some thoughts of possibility when things are more than challenging.

The Crow and the Pitcher 

 A Crow, half-dead with thirst, came upon a Pitcher which had once been full of water; but when the Crow put its beak into the mouth of the Pitcher he found that only very little water was left in it, and that he could not reach far enough down to get at it. He tried, and he tried, but at last had to give up in despair. Then a thought came to him, and he took a pebble and dropped it into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped it into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the Pitcher. At last, at last, he saw the water mount up near him, and after casting in a few more pebbles he was able to quench his thirst and save his life. 

Little by little does the trick.





photo courtesy of pdpics-KenKistler

What can I do to restore my love with my partner? Or is it even worth it all....

Deciding the value of being together

Definitely can- it doesn't usually take Viagra, hormones, alcohol, gifts, flowers, money, or even duct tape.
 Or even therapeutic help.

They all have their place of course.

*Don't use the duct tape to tie them up- most people don't like it, and you'll get in trouble. It is only meant to represent an idea of last minute patch-up/hold-together, etc.

As usual, if you have issues- it always advisable to seek the intervening help of your local trusted licensed professional. And get two or more opinions, asking the questions in different ways/taking notes, and a support person if you have one- etc. Stay safe.
Different churches have 'free' help- even if your not a current member - (they'll try and get you to join though - power does corrupt).

******

 Firstly- is it worth it? If you are reading this, you are seeing some value in the relationship, or your recalled feeling state.

• Some people are resistant to change, so if by changing you, is that acceptable? 

• Will that moderate the situation you're in? - or is this the best long term for you? 

• Is your partner leading you into damaging behaviors or lifestyles? 

• Where do think you might be in 15 years - and are you OK with that?

Take a while to work through these ideas in your mind first. 

It all could be worth it, or possibly you will be better elsewhere.

A good measure is fear - fear of alone-ness, or fear while your in the situation - this may mean you could be stronger in another place.

 It is your decision., think how you like things to go, giving consideration to your partner.

Here are 10 easy steps to get you started:- 

Do Be aware of each other’s triggers.

1.Partners will focus on the details of their problems with one another. As a result, they get lost arguing repeatedly over the particulars of who did or didn’t do what, to whom, when and where, how often, and so on. That does not help in the beginning - blaming is not an effective solution except to control.
Start with little things, if they don't like  you wearing your shoes inside or something they don't do themselves - just say - 'you could be right- I'll do ... that's OK with you isn't it?' - Little things like that matching of ideals are good. (If it is harmful- don't do it).

2. Accept that healing yourself is important.ways, learn to love and fully accept yourself, honour your needs and aspirations and life – and by doing so, you will increase the chances of healing your relationship – and the possibility of inspiring the other to improve for themselves. You have the ability to bring a calming presence to a situation which can create the necessary conditions for personal healing to take place.

3.When you take over another person’s behaviors, or emotional life, as if they were some kind of a fix-it project, it gets to be or is a power struggle. It does send a probably unwanted message, that you don't value the other as a person, or even their ability to do their own thinking, their capacity to master and handle upsetting emotions, etc.
No one likes being someone’s fix-it project (although it may be flattering;at first, it gets old soon enough).  As human beings, we seek to be accepted for the unique value we bring to life.

4.To break free of toxic relating patterns and restore some balance,start with these ideas that govern healthy relationships:
You cannot fix your partner’s behaviors or emotional states, you can only influence them- Your focus on fixing or healing one another (instead of yourselves) is, and has been the main problem - Your attempts to fix the other with angry outbursts, pleading, intimidation, guilt or shame, etc.,are,  and have been, the cause of much suffering. 

5.Healing your relationship with you is prerequisite to healing your couple relationship.
Give yourself  permission to improve yourself, and your responses to stimuli.
Be honest and seek support of safe persons you can trust.  Honesty is a key step in breaking the power of secrecy that toxic problems often feed on. You need to be willing to see and admit the truth that something hurtful is happening or happened to you (or that you’ve been doing something hurtful to your partner). It may cause angry feelings toward the person who acted wrongly and took hurtful actions. It may bring up anger toward yourself for allowing the other to take these wrongful actions (or for engaging in ways that hurt your partner).

If you are in a relationship with someone who is  physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive, is forceful or treats you more like an object than a person with feelings and thoughts of your own, or if this person uses threats of the same--create a distance (leave).

A safe person has the following characteristics, in that they:

• Do not judge, demean, belittle you, etc.

• Allows your highest good, growth, interest; and this is evident in their actions, in  how they treat you. 

• They maintain confidentiality, and never use what you disclose against you.

• Listens without giving advice – unless you ask for it, and even then respect your choice to apply or not, some or all of their advice.

• Believes in you, your ability to think and make effective choices.

6.Building honesty is about learning to deal with any anger in healthy ways, firstly, to separate healthy anger from toxic anger. Easy to do, by separating ‘the person’ who acted wrongly from ‘the actions’ of the person.
Healthy anger sees hurtful actions as wrong, and takes action to change, stop or move away from them. Stop listening or making excuses for hurtful actions. Safe = stay;- if not safe = leave, even to take a dog for a walk

7.Get comfortable with uncomfortable’ feelings. Many partners have bought into their life romantic pictures of ideal love, and enter their relationship with lots of unrealistic expectations. TV, films, and entertainment only (purposefully), add to the myths and misconceptions, making it all worse. 
Many partners expect to arrive at a place where, once and for all, there are no painful emotions of fear or anger, they stop upsetting each other, they perfectly trust one another, and they meet one another’s needs in perfect timing. It won't happen continuously. In truth, it doesn’t happen on earth, Venus or Mars, or any known place. Accept it. 

8.Vulnerability just happens in creating intimacy, and it's important to grow in the times when partners face their greatest fears, i.e., inadequacy, rejection, abandonment, etc.
When partners remain open to respond out of compassion, rather than fear, this creates a balance - called love.  Feelings of safety and love, are not made with triggers by any of insecurity and fear. Experiencing strong emotions from time to time is just part of life. Avoid keeping your feelings bottled up inside – and also avoid doing the extreme opposite. Blasting another with your feelings, for example, may be ‘expressing’ them, but it will not get the positive rewards you want. 
It’s in your hands to no longer use deceit, angry outbursts, anxiety or depression to control the direction of your life. 

9.Describe wrongful actions with action- or solution-words. Acting in ways that strip away hope or demean, humiliate, intimidate, or tear down another person, etc.,will erode and destroy your relationships. These abusive behavior patterns keep partners in a place of low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, etc; until one day they will leave or blow up like a volcano. People who use them often live in fear of getting the short end of the stick, and are ever on guard to make sure no one gets the best of them, etc. Perhaps these ones are past saving for you-(and me - except in a paid capacity).

You must use words in conscious ways, being aware of the power they have to activate emotional states – whether helpful or harmful ones.

• Use words to enrich or to make requests, and not for finding-fault.
   
• Stop all words that demean, tear down, find-fault, judge self or other as persons, and so on.
   
• Words are for building mutual understanding, communicating clearly, energizing a bright future, etc.
   
• Chose to use words that consciously increase mutual understanding, cooperation, kindness, clarity,  caring, compassion, hope and inspiration, and the like. 

10. Is it an ongoing choice to enrich life for self and other? That may be the determination of 'love'. You up to this date have each played a contributing role in the relationship, and now, as consciously aware partners, you must play an active role to stop, to change – and to move away from any defeating or toxic inter-action patterns, without being subservient Ultimately, in a healthy relationship, partners increasingly become ‘safe’ persons to turn to for support. It’s a healthy expectation and standard to set in your relationship. Each half  must, however, work to develop the ‘characteristics’ of good -above, and no free rides on this journey,- long term.


As in any success patterning -- think positive possibilities, take appropriate action, and more action, to break free of old habits (addictive relating patterns), and retrain the neural pathways of your brain to achieve your desired result.



Some recommended links to start you on your better life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  






Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...



 Want to still get your ex back - Oprah's relationship specialist has the answers for you



Become the best you can be with Mindmint







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

 

Single Parents Dating Matchup sign up and Search for free.


Know thyself - life manuals




 *If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.see important note. 


pic courtesy of public domain

Feeling invisible in a world that is so hostile

A clouded view of the world

Feeling so invisible in a hostile world

It all begins mostly, because, some parents do not take the time and effort to listen carefully to their children, and to discover a child’s thoughts and to explain to them the emotional reactions the child is having.

Of course from a normal parents point of view, they have their own challenges of the time, and often they never in fact learnt how to parent  - possibly even their parents were 'flying blind,' and theirs before, and so on.

 Instead, the parents manipulate (in negative terms) the children to get them to do whatever makes life easier for the parents.

Children learn to know what is happening, and they know something is not quite right.


Not understanding their parents trials, without guidance the children develop a black and white thinking of  “My parents do not love me” and turn it around into the belief that because something must be wrong with them, they really do not deserve the love they so desperately need. Thus they will begin to tell themselves negative thoughts such as

• I don’t deserve it.
• I don’t belong.
• I’m not good enough.
• I’m a loser. (of course helped by their friends in the same boat)

These thoughts, unless diverted,  get to be repeated over and over in the mind, to form a pathway of response to the- their world.

For example, if your parents became impatient and critical when you made a mistake in childhood you probably sank down into silent shame;  but now, as an adult, you can say to them or to anyone else who is critical rather than helpful, “What are you being so mean to me for? Cursing a stalled car won’t make it start running again.” 

  

The Abuses.

When an adult sexually abuses a child, the adult is really using the child as an object of pleasure in some way, a mere commodity to be used and then discarded afterwards, as they must in society.
Needless to say, being treated like a disposable item, to be eventually rejected,- can leave you believing that you are a piece of garbage. And in feeling that, especially if you lack social support from others, suicide can begin to appear like a fitting conclusion to—and self-inflicted punishment for—a worthless existence.

Emotional abuse can bring about feelings of cynicism, a contemptuous disbelief in human goodness and sincerity. And if you become cynical because you have been belittled so often, not only can you become a bully or a terrorist, but also you can eventually become so weary of the constant fighting against the world and its prejudices that suicide seems like a good idea.

Physical abuse increases feelings of hostility toward—and a disrespect for—authority. This can actually harden you to the point that you become cold and calculating in your interactions with others. But if anything ever happens to make you feel that your control of people or events is jeopardized, then, like a massive social disgrace, suicide may seem like your only escape.

(Don't take anything too much to heart -out of 17 billion people in the world not everyone is perfect).



A story-an excerpt-

The Hobbit, by J. R. R. Tolkien.. tells the story of a group of dwarfs, helped by a hobbit and, at times, by a wizard, who seek to recover the treasure stolen from them by a dragon generations ago. 


They go on a long journey from the Hobbit’s home, across mountains, though a dark forest, and on to the Lonely Mountain under which the dragon has made its home in the ancient halls of the dwarf king.

During their trek through the forest, the dwarfs and hobbit, tired and weary from having run out of food, encounter a stream that must be crossed.They had been warned  before not to drink or bathe in the the stream, because the stream carried spells of great drowsiness and forgetfulness.

Well, as they were crossing the stream in a small boat, a dwarf fell into the water. Almost immediately, he fell asleep. The others were forced to carry him in order to continue the journey.

Of the thirteen dwarfs, it was the fat one who fell into the water, and as the fat dwarf was often ridiculed for being fat and was the one who always came last. In fact, he was the last one to cross the stream, and, as he made his way up the bank, he was surprised by a deer, lost his balance, and fell into the water. 
By falling into the water and falling asleep, he forced the others to carry him.He was heavy, and it took four other dwarfs to carry him on a sling between two poles. Even though he did not intend any of this to happen, he still managed to fulfill his unconscious desire to get revenge for his mistreatment. The others, tired and hungry, had to carry him while he slept and dreamed of delightful feasts in the woods.


The Implications for Today

The desire to sleep and be carried, just like a lot of addictions (e.g., drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, eroticism, video games, TV, movies and on and on), reflects, in one way or another, a yearning to escape from the emotional pain of life and to experience a secure safe place of comfort.



However the ultimate results may be manifested, the desire to escape from reality—to sleep, to disappear—carries with it the desire to be carried. It’s fundamentally an attempt to escape from responsibility. It’s never just a benign wish for peace.

The one who carries resentment always manages to hurt others—to disturb their peace—by making them carry him. That is the  subtle deception.


The Cure

The real cure? Start by forgetting the illusion that you’re a “partner” in your own destruction. That placement of you in that role is a deceit, a thick smokescreen of victimization.
Yes, one “part” of your personality may be unconsciously seeking your destruction, but other parts of     you do have the authority to listen to and bring the change you want.

 Give yourself a respect and recognition that you may never get from the world, so that you take the first step toward your own healing. Take a few moments and listen to your pain and vulnerability with a curiosity and understanding—that is, with the love that you wanted from others.

Even children who are belittled—through no fault of their own—by their own parents, and who couldn’t defend themselves as children, can learn to reclaim their self-esteem as adults by “standing up” for themselves in asserting their human dignity with every person they encounter.

The world will always be not perfect—that is it's reality, it has been since before the ice age; The untrue illusion is that the world despises you. The world just is.

Gain some comfort by a purposeful activity, hobby, work, or writing. When this happens, you begin to feel an independent sense of self worth, and life's pleasures and happiness begin to arrive.


Some recommended links to start you on your better life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition 






Become the best you can be with Mindmint







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

photo courtesy of public domain

Affirming your own strength in bad situations - what helps ....

Being tough and resilient in the face of it all.

 

To be a tough and resilient person is not about fighting and defying life, but is rather about acceptance, and modifying our responses (actions).

It is not the load that breaks you, it’s the way you carry it. (and why you keep accepting more).

Life may feel like a battlefield at times, especially if our underlying belief is that we must fight to be happy, we must fight to succeed.

In some ways this is true, yet even the greatest of warriors were able to rest when needed.

The Roots of Adversity

 

 Desire and expectation. resisting the reality of a situation as it is; and desiring it to be otherwise.
Without an awareness of what can be done to change it for the better,

This is often a cause of bitterness and hatred, and a depressive state of thought- as a means of somehow controlling the world out there.

Developing a Tough And Resilient attitude.

Firstly ….  For some people developing strength of mind comes quickly and easily.

You can be one of those lucky people. Read on and practice..........

1.Look forward to a better future date.
In a minute or two, or days or weeks  from now,things will have changed, visualize and own that point in time.

2.You will be able to handle the worst, others have, so can you.
Think about the worst possible  that could happen in your situation …come up with a contingency plan. Anxiety is from the fear that we don’t have the ableness to handle whatever comes our way.

3.Affirm your own strength.
Our inner, unconscious thoughts and chatter have a really powerful way of influencing our waking life.  Some affirmations include: “If I dealt with this (past event) I can solve any problem and get through this challenge”, “If they could have, I can.” " Someone has to, it may as  be me."

Come up with 3 or 4 favorites for you - use them at every opportunity.

4.Think a little about how you view it.
How are you starting your morning? what thoughts can you use to allow  you a better result? Slow gown on the resisting of life and carrying too many desires and expectations at once. Desires and expectations are in fact good- yet if you feel overwhelmed , let the tide recede for a few minutes.

5.Setbacks are part of the process.
Rejection and failure is a normal and natural event of life. Just part of "Oh well, this way didn't work.....what can I do now that will"

6.It will pass.
No failure, fear, tragedy, anger or pain does really last forever.  Everything passes with both change and time.  The tide on the seashore moves both in and out. -take time out and go to the beach and see for yourself. Take comfort in this thought often, as it helps reduce the pain of any issue in life you may experience.

7.See the funny side of it all, in a pleasant way.
Seeing the funny side of life can be difficult, but it pays to develop a well-rounded sense of humor.  Laughter is super, it relaxes you, allows you to breathe better, changes those neural pathways, to open up new possibilities.
If it is too hard, read some comics, watch a silent movie, pretty harmless stuff.

8.Take care of yourself.
It’s tempting to neglect ourselves when the going gets tough, but this is critical - by taking care of  your nutrition, body, and general mental and emotional well-being, you send a message to yourself that you are valuable. And saves lots of problems in the future.

9.Accept what you can’t change.
Change it if you can, though  continuing to struggle against what we can’t change lowers our potential to be the best we can. This is a hassle, when you are faced with the big things in life - but it is an essential view, so as to develop resiliency in the face of adversity.

10.Allow yourself an inner joy.  Find a consuming passion.
Life doesn’t have to be this way. Maybe this is a new path you can take. A new career? a new place? A new pastime? Or just focusing on what is really important for you.


 We have the power to decide where our joy and happiness comes from, and once we let ourselves think this, we see that it isn’t useful to invest much of our time or energy into people or things that are not constantly there.


Note: Prayer if you value that, does help, - it  does have be combined with action.

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

photo courtesy public domain