The end of a relationship, from a woman's point of view

Who wants who in this relationship?

Do not be afraid to stand up for your rights to get this woman or man out of your life.

It really is OK to move on from people in the world.

Think that they were your associate or hoped for partner for that time in your life - now it is time for a new chapter.

Being diplomatic is the most positive solution, as it will allow the other party to think that it was under their control.

Psychically or psychologically the initiation of the problems was under their control - they may or may not be aware of that.

Diplomacy may not be 100% possible if you have not learnt some of those skills yet - Briefly it is directing someone on a path in a direction you have chosen - in this case away from you - allowing them to remain feeling good about themselves and their choices.

• Directness can work sometimes if both can see a value in the alternatives.

• Threats real or implied, sadly never seem to bring good, no matter how popular they are.

While standing up for your rights, the weaker thinking people (no matter what their costume or title - perhaps more especially so) will support your ex or soon to be ex-friend's take on the situation. Perhaps, or in fact more likely - wanting to be distributed some of the spoils - a sad reality in any western society.

Do be aware no one cares about your safety or life as much as you do, and you will be surprised how unimportant your life is, to some of the people whose advertised job it is to protect you. Their system is the their ultimate interest, not one individual in it.

The easiest, and most peaceful solution is for most people no contact, go and read the woodcutter post then come back here.

When you do remain in contact you continue to engage in a relationship on some level and are still affected by its triggers. Of course there are cases where 'no contact' is not possible due to the involvement of children, employment, or family.
This you can easily handle by separating the areas of contact, e.g. only talk about work, while you are at work, only talk about your shared children's activities while with your partner etc.

 Limit the ammunition you give anyone really, no other person in the world has the right to all of your psyche - if they complain about it - they are a manipulator - exclude them from your life-space quickly - unless they are your therapist with a signed confidentiality warrant (that you get the original of, and they keep a copy) they are up to NO good. Read are there any good people in the world.

No contact gives you the space and time to get some forward energy back into your life. It can be a challenge at first as you resist the urge to answer the phone, return an email or make that regular call.  It is a decision for your health and sanity, even when they have seemed like the only one in the world you trusted before.


Here are your rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship, just begin to do so.

2) It often involves shared possessions, think about what important item your other half would like to take from you - either remove it to safety now, or accept its loss.  Get separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason for her to contact you. If necessary use a third party that they respect.

3) Clean out your thinking and get rid of any thought triggers of especially pity - empathy or even sympathy from a distance is OK.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If she stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see her in public, wave, say hello, and avoid eye contact, then move away as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If she calls, don’t answer the phone. If she calls from an unidentified number and you hear her voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word.  If she is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. It may be worth a written documented complaint to the telco authorities.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block her emails and even consider having your own email address changed so she won’t have your information. Introduce a new policy at work of no personal emails - and ensure everyone follows it.

7) If you are on any mutual community websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access her web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on her. What she is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of hers.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with her at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him.
If you find mutual friends do not support your request you must never trust them again.
Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way.

9) If you work with her, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced financially to do business with her, keep all communication 100% business and don’t allow her to engage you in any other way.

10) If you have children with her you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. If you assume she or her friends are narcissistic, that will be the safest for you- they as people will often use the children as a way to get to you.
Your job, as should be hers, is to support the children especially emotionally as they grow- treat it as a job that you want to do -the adult relationship may have ended, yet the life purpose here is still important.


Once you have moved forward, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe she has changed.

People do change, and it is easy to do so, and against populist propaganda - it is easy to change others.
This is not a usual trend though, and in the case where you have needed to use the above techniques, the likelihood of any real change in the direction you want - is very small.

 Allow her the life path she is on, and move forward with yours.

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple...

  Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (buy and read them all!)

 

 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Turn your computer into the ultimate meditation assistant.




Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  



Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...
Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.


 

How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationship, or saying I'm not good enough.

As a Maiden making your own way in the world

The feeling of "not good enough" to be friends, lovers, or business partners with certain people, is common.
Feeling insecure, you might both enter and end many promising relationships because of your perceptions or yourself. Or how you have been trained as a child, by parents with their own issues.

Many a time walking away, rather than risking rejection is how we might deal with it. And 70 % of the time that is the right thing to do - as we are not ready for what is offered to us, or we indeed have picked up on an undercurrent of dis-ease.

A lot of time the one we had chosen, had in fact chosen us, as an easy target to get their own way.

And will use our hint of insecurity to maintain their dominance.

So do be very aware, there are some faulty people in the world, no matter male or female; - generally an either self-professed authority, or preening type person is a great indicator, these must be kept as a short term, or no contact.
 Their hidden issues and inner voids, are too much for the normal person to fill, and sadly they will turn to abuse, if they can't get all they want - so you must avoid them.

As a metaphor, view and question your mind as they may be a beautiful house built over a toxic waste site, with loose soil; looks good and appealing to all, but has inherent, and damaging to you, problems.

  On a positive note though - not everyone is like this, you are in fact seeking to align yourself with the 10% of more than OK people in the world.
And not sabotage your own happiness, and good future.  
To set yourself up for success in a relationship is the secret, and if you’re actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to…

1. Stop trying to read their minds.

The process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid way to feelings of insecurity and stress. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t.

The challenge with this is;

 1- you are devaluing the others individuality - most will 'intuitively' pick up on this, and leave -
 and
2- you are trying to control the world through only your experiences

Note- Sometimes silence is good, don’t assume so quickly that their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.  Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind.  Say what you actually mean and be tactfully truthful about what you say.  Do give the people in your life the information they need, in the area you hope to trust them in.
Constantly asking, "What are you thinking?" can also provoke a person to withdraw in some form from a relationship. Read on.....

2. Stop looking for perfect relationships.

To be seeking the right lover and the right friends is a good and valid aim, though if you expect them to be perfect in every way, they may not live up to your fantasy of perfection in every way.
That is because we are all imperfect in some way.  You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you attract relationships with people who may have complementary ways.
If you are looking for the ideal, it is better to be ideal for yourself and look for people who balance you out.

3. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.

Simply because some were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships may be kind and supportive.
If you do carry old behaviours from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart for you before.

 

4. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.

Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage.  Too often we could be following a parental or religious invocation, and living out their life - (the previous control persons) - not ours.
The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. And many drivers do need re-training - it is much better to train someone with positive guidance, than with continuous nagging or power/control behaviours.

5. Stop focusing on the negatives.

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it mightn't always be. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.  
Be careful of your 'friends' and families influence here. Many a dis-affected child has gone on in adulthood to diminish and destroy other peoples good relationships, due to their own insecurities - if these are your associates, think of yourself first, and limit your contact with them - it is now the time to leave that swamp for free and clear ground.


Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept everyone into your life who is willing to accept you. Nor does it give you permission to compromise your values. It does mean that if there are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you can choose to work through them for your own growth at least.

No meaningful relationship seems to  work perfectly all the time.  Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship is not going to help you, as is solely focusing your life on the relationship.  There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good - particularly in you.  

Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships.   
What you are best to do, is look for signs of what is working, and encourage and enhance those.

Recommended links to help you now...Choose one...

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Grow yourself online in the privacy of your own home





Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  


   

pic courtesy of bare maidens

Are there any Good People in the World? Do Remove the Toxic People first

Developing the warrior within.

When you start to question;  Are there are any good people in the World?
It is usually at a time when your trust has been betrayed, or you are tired of giving yet not getting what you thought was a fair in return.


Surviving the ups, downs of other people’s emotions can be a challenge.
It is important, though, to remember that some moody, negative people may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. 


Even though that is no excuse for their behavior - or in fact no excuse for you allowing it in your life.

They may be ill, chronically worried, or not knowing how to get the love and emotional support they are thinking they need.
These people need to be supported, and shown how to achieve what they want - usually by a good therapist - as their life to date has not yet fully equipped them for the world. Don't tell them this, you'll usually not like the response you get, - it is better to let their role models encourage them. You primarily need to protect yourself from their behavior.

If the actions are persistent and damaging - to you especially: this of a toxic bully, who will use her or his mood swings to intimidate and manipulate you or others in their world.

If you can observe these people closely, you will notice that their attitude is overly self-referring - which means all activities in their life are designed to reinforce their value in their world.
Read the 'Miss Battles' post again. Then the Being Brave and How to End....post, and return to here.
Their relationships are organized according to how each one can be used to meet their selfish needs.

To be selfish is good, yet one would say - not at the expense of damaging others.


It is better for your health and success in life to avoid any future contact, with these people, no matter how wealthy, attractive, or what they may seem to offer you.

If you compare it to a false politician, verbalizing promises, yet giving nothing of their own to the cause, or a typical gangster approach, to give you a $5 item they got for free, in return for hours of your life; then their associates will take it off you again for later use.

There really are better people in the world, look for them, at the same time making time and space for them by ditching the toxic ones until they grow out of that phase.
They might never, that doesn't matter, you must stay well, healthy, and successful to be of value to yourself, and the world.

  9 Easy Ways to Deal with Toxic People

1)  Move on without them.

When someone keeps on destructively dictating the emotional atmosphere, then be very clear: they are toxic. If you are suffering because of their attitude, and your compassion, or patience, doesn’t seem to help them, or you are not their paid therapist- and they don’t seem to care one bit, then quickly and quietly create a distance.

When you delete toxic people from your environment it becomes a lot easier to breathe. In fact if you find yourself holding your breath around someone - you are aware of the threat this one may be to you.

A healthy relationship is reciprocal; it will be give and take, on agreed terms as in a partnership.
 

2) Stop pretending their toxic behavior is OK.

Toxic people use their behavior to get preferential treatment, because this is their learnt pattern. They don’t change until an overwhelming catastrophe hits them, encouraging introspection.
Decide now - not to be influenced by their behavior.
Constant drama and negativity is never worth putting up with. Even from an off-duty or want to be film-star.  If someone over the age 18 can’t be a reasonable, reliable adult on a semi-regular basis, it’s time to…

3)  Speak up

Stand up for yourself in your own mind. Be quiet about it, as nearly all of these people both women and men, are dishonest when it comes to getting their ultimate way.
(For future reference this is their Achilles heel);  These people will do anything for their own personal gain at the expense of others – cut in line, take money and property, bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc.
Much as you might like to confront them, do not do it directly- do it in a humorous way- this will get through to them after 2-3 times. and not at their or your expense. You really are dealing with the worst example of humanity underneath that facade they have.

4) Bring their actions into the open

We are dealing with a naughty toddler here, and they will try to get what they want with secrecy.
They usually, have duped the authorities, if not actually being one.
To protect you, you must bring their behaviour on show - they won't mind so much - as this will make them feel important.
Have all your conversations with another person, or persons present. Or of course on tape, or CCTV if you hold the key.
 Ask the authorities in their life " Is Jonah or Roz (put your attackers name here) OK? they seem like there is something going on at home/work - with their parents/children." This brings the toxic person to the notice of someone who may have influence to re-direct their behavior.
That does not mean the police or Guardia, it means those who they respect - even if you do not.
  

5)  Put your foot down.

Your dignity will be attacked, ravaged and disgracefully mocked, but it can never be taken away forever, unless you willingly surrender it.This is their aim by the way.
It’s all about finding the strength to defend your boundaries.
Start with a self-defense course, or training books - and after a few weeks verbalize to - not them- but to others in their social/work group how good the course is. Do not invite them to it.
Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled, leave their presence continuously. Ending any conversations with sickening sweetness, or just plain abruptness saying you are called away to do something important.  The message is clear:  There is no reward for subtle control, and no games will be played at your end.

6)  Don’t take their toxic behavior personally.

It’s them, not you.  KNOW this. They have selected you, because you looked like an easy target, you most probably listened to them at some stage, and, you have something they want.

Toxic people will try to imply that somehow you’ve done something wrong, or create situations that set you up to fail.
If you notice this once - leave - these people are criminals in whatever clothing they wear. 

If they are your employer or boss, learn what they allow you to learn, wisely and quietly accumulate a resource fund, and get a new income source, quickly. These people are always subject to high level fraud, work, and environmental safety inquiries - and they will use you as the sacrifice, with a smile on their face.

Remember, take nothing personally. What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection. Just leave, and find the better people in the world.

7)  Practice practical compassion.

Some toxic seeming people are genuinely distressed, or even mentally and physically ill, but you still need to separate their issues from how they behave toward you.
If you let people get away with anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, etc this will reinforce the bad behavior. Do have a human concern, do listen to them, yet do value your own life. A nurse must eat, in order to care for her or his patients.

 8) Take time for yourself.

If you think you are forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate.  Online courses are good - as it gives the implied promise, you are becoming a better person for them. Choose one from  Udemy they have a great selection. And Meditation, in some form, allows an 'escape'- see the links below.

Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of toxic moodiness (control) is damaging, and the toxicity can infect you. Read the wrong relationship post, then come back here.
It is OK for you to think peacefully, free from external pressure and toxic behavior.

9) Bring on the catastrophe.

No that doesn't mean inviting your favourite terrorist to shoot them, or blow up their house or work. Or setting fire to their place, or putting them in line of disaster. Or cutting their car or truck brake lines, or getting the local gang to intimidate them. Or even for you to say or write that.

They of course will do all of these things.

You must not. as you will get in trouble - no matter how valid this reaction might be. They are not worth it. Think you are worth more, which you are.

They are aware of all these, and are the consummate liars of the world, and have the worst of the worst friends in their support system.

The best results, are by you leaving their clutches, they no longer have that toy, or that resource they can use or to play with. Read the woodcutter post- and come back here.

 If not, and you do have the time, and energy..........

• Again; Ask the authorities in their life " Is Jonah or Roz (put your attackers name here) OK? they seem like there is something going on at home/work - with their parents/children." .

• Or if they have horses or animals ask the animal welfare/control authorities - "are you sure X's animals are OK? they seem distressed for the last..."

• If they have children - do the same for the child health/protection agencies.

• If they have a car/boat/truck -there are regulatory authorities that love their ego boosted - so ask them "are you sure these are legitimate?"

• Contact the tax revenue office - and ask "how can they have all this?.... it looks like it has been going on for years"

• If you are at a school, or workplace (needing what they have to offer) - use the same ideas - also possibly ask questions of the external administration authority " I'm not sure..but it looked like X is doing this" - whatever will threaten the organizations positive public impression.

• If they are your landlady or landlord, take care (the walls have ears), any emails/phone calls/communications must be done away from the building - the same goes for work by the way- Do not complain about your own space until you leave, anonymously complain about the adjacent unit they own, and then invite the inspector in, if it is safe - for a coffee or water, questioning the faults only in conversation.
• Present yourself well, conform on the outside, at minimal cost to you - use the dollar store to decorate the apartment or residence with a few noticeable things they like, pictures/ornaments.
• Plan to leave - ensuring you are paid up, and you have uploaded videos or photos to protect you to a private safe source say  DriveHQ-

• If you live with them, forget it - re-read the previous 8 points, and build yourself up, and leave.

 ****

Enlist a trusted friend to post your letters, or phone asking the questions - so if asked you can say it wasn't you. 

You must be anonymous, no matter what privacy rules are in place, the toxic person all so often is a charmer on the outside, and very, very vindictive.

Make very sure what you say is truthful - at sometime you will be held to account. 

Present yourself well, conform on the outside, at minimal cost to you - use the dollar store to decorate your life with a few noticeable things they like, pictures/ornaments etc.

Do be aware nearly all of these people both women and men, are dishonest when it comes to getting their ultimate way. 

These people will do anything for their own personal gain, at your expense and sacrifice.

All the above. brings the toxic person to the notice of someone who may have influence to re-direct their behavior, and of course gets them out of your hair.




The best results, are by you leaving their clutches, they no longer have that toy, or that resource they can use or to play with.  Read the woodcutter post- and come back here.

 

 NB-the name Jonah is a fictional representation to make a valid point

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple...

  Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (buy and read them all!)

 

 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Turn your computer into the ultimate meditation assistant.





Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  


   


pic courtesy pixabay 

Is Holding on being brave? Or is it Time to Let Go? Finding the strength.

Let them into my life space?

On occasion letting go and moving on is what makes some of us stronger and happier. We can often look back and say we shouldn't have, or should have not let that pass. And introspection and revising is good, if it helps us respond to new or new/old events in a better way.

When it comes to people relationships we can, yet shouldn't accommodate them at our expense. Not money or wealth, even though that occurs, but emotional and/or psychological health.

You generally know, or are developing your own life path - and yes it does need to be a better one often. Take care, if you are an adult - you are the one who ultimately chooses or allows situations to occur.


Read on to help.....

1) Someone expects you to be someone you’re not. – Don’t change who you are specifically for someone else.  It’s OK to change if you see the long-term value in being better, yet if someone is dictating you to change to please them alone - it is wise to consider if they have a valid point.
Or is it coming from a fear within them? And where does it end. Sounds like the indicators of control and abuse.

2) A person’s actions don’t match their words. –Don’t listen to what people say so much to you- even though that is important. Watch how they talk about others, or groups of others, and watch what they do. If someone is consistently inconsistent and their actions don’t match up with their words, it’s time to let them go. True friendship is a promise of some mutual trust, this seems to show the opposite.

3) You catch yourself forcing someone to love you. – We shouldn’t beg, deceive, or manipulate someone to stay when they may want to leave. To truly live is the beginning of an understanding that love sometimes leaves for a reason, but never leaves without a lesson to be learnt.


4) An intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction. – Being beautiful is good, being good inside is even better.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever. Your body does change - guaranteed. But the good people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you. It’s about being who you are and living your life honestly, with a consideration for others.

5) Someone continuously breaks your trust. – This does get tiring after a while, most of us prefer the security of an approximate prediction. It is best when someone has the chance to hurt you, but they choose not to.  Don't be so naive to completely trust a person, without any doubt, you may not like the result. Involve them in the decision making, and they will reciprocate giving you a trustworthy result.

6) Someone continuously overlooks your worth. – Know your worth! When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of you that you’ll never get back. If they are so wound up in themselves, they always will be - you have to let go and stop chasing them. Save it for some sheep - and you will need to learn skills of attraction there too.


7) You are never given a chance to speak your mind. – Sometimes a settled discussion saves a relationship, whereas silence breaks it.  Speak up from your heart, with reasonable tact, aiming in the direction you wish to be heading. Life is about being honest with an appreciation of the others point of references, and sharing your happiness with them.


8) You are frequently forced to sacrifice your happiness. – Frequently is the word here, know when to consider your own desires and needs as well. If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you are being a martyr- not a great career of life choice. People wake up to them pretty quickly, and most avoid them for safety's sake.


9) You truly dislike your current situation, routine, job, etc. – It’s better to acknowledge you need to change, rather than going through an unlived life. Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of going after yours. Move in your desired life direction, and learn from your situation, and your choices.



10) You catch yourself obsessing over, and living in, the past. – What matters most is not the first, but the ongoing chapters of your life, which you unveil as you make your story happen.
If you are in such a bad place for yourself that the past is the ideal. It would be best to leave the current situation, while you rebuild yourself.
Do take into account, you can never really return to the perfect past, you will find it easier, faster and more realistic to build an ideal now and future.


Some recommended links to start you on your better life.....


Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Grow yourself online in the privacy of your own home





Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.




pic courtesy pdpnet - mairani cuevas

Stupid to stay? or is it being committed, or am I afraid in this relationship?

Self satisfaction

The damage that a bad relationship causes in terms of destroying 1-self-esteem, 2-spiritual, 3-emotional and 4-physical health. The perpetrator of abuse purposely or by their own habits will crush the spirit, and can ultimately murder the partner that is held in the abuser's grip.

Strong words - yet many times I have come across both woman and men, that have had more than one life partner turn to drugs/alcohol or suicide - keep your distance - these people are either psychopaths, or psychic vampires.

If you thought that verbal abuse was mainly name calling and hurling outright insults, you are partly right - but many are a covert abuser. The methods are insidious and have you feel that you could be to blame for just about everything that is wrong.

Follows is a good friend's story for you to learn from.  

**Important it could be either a HE or a She

"She would often criticize men and women on TV, or while out driving- their physical faults, mouth too large, crooked nose, too fat, too thin, etc. She was particularly critical of confident women broadcasters, and would be very insulting of them. I finally stood up to her (mistake) and let her know that she was being very cruel. In hindsight I realize I felt more protective of the other people than myself.

One of the most painful and damaging aspects of her abusive ways was her obvious delight in seeing my hurt responses to the cruel remarks... the smirk, the laugh, the rolling of the eyes, the hate-filled look. As time went on, I learned to hide my feelings and to refrain from reasoning or arguing with her. I could never "win" anyway. It did hurt a little to realize that the one who promised to love and cherish you doesn't really care for you.

She seemed to get a lot of pleasure in seeing me suffer physically as well. It was a freezing cold day and I went out to the garage to bring in something. I somehow locked myself out of the house. I was dressed only in light clothing, and gently knocked on the doors and windows for her to let me inside. I was becoming very cold, and concerned that I would quickly become hypothermic. Finally after about 30 minutes or so and repeated knocks and calls she answered the door. She said she didn't hear me earlier. She appeared very unconcerned about me and the whole incident. I just let it go as I knew better than to argue with her...she would just yell irrational insults at me.

Shortly afterwards, when our son and his wife and children were visiting, she recounted her story, about my locking myself out of the house. She made me sound stupid. I quietly remarked that I became very cold and wondered when she would answer the door. She did not care to listen and brushed me off.

Almost all of my efforts seemed to be wasted on her now. This happens very often in abusive relationships...the abuser was, and is never really satisfied. She would criticize and downgrade me often, and I began to feel worth a bit less. I began to question my self-esteem as a result.

Like so many abusers, she was very polite and good-mannered to others. Family, business associates, friends at church... they were completely oblivious to her abusive ways. She had developed a charming persona that she could control at will, that she could switch on and off.

For brief periods over that long marriage of 20 years, I was called depressed, non communicative - as well as other unmentionables.
They seemed to develop long-range plans to control and manipulate the situation, and deny my reality of events.

In the months leading to the separation, she would become angry and ask why I married her. I would reply because I loved her. She would sneer and make a denigrating sound. This, I felt, was her covert way of turning around the usual "Why did I marry you" remark.

Another illustration of his type of abuse: Several years ago, she and I were having lunch at a restaurant. There was no argument involved, either beforehand or at the time (as if that should matter). I started choking on a piece of food stuck in my throat. She was sitting next to me, and just got up from the table and left.

After arriving home, I calmly asked her why she didn't help me. She changed the subject, and appeared completely unconcerned about this incident.

In the months before leaving, I had tried to talk with her, asking her to offer her ideas to work it out. She would become very angry and would refuse, blaming me instead."


Many life lessons here, even though the abuser was an apparently successful teacher (of all things), their apparently single-minded determination to destroy another person is obvious.
The abuser went on to stay with a wealthy person, and when their money had run out- they poisoned them.


Note very carefully the initial statements of how other people outside the relationship were talked about.

This is the key secret to fathoming or sounding out an individual's sense of their own self - and how they will eventually treat you- no excuses. 

Get them talking about this when you first meet them - and you make your plans from there.



Recommended Links to help you...

  Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (buy and read them all!)

 

 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

 

 

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Or take an Assertiveness course. This will help you stand your ground and get what you want easily.

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

 

 

 

pic courtesy of pixbay

Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - Who has the power in a relationship?...

Girls in control mode

Some girlfriends are clearly abusive – they hit, yell, or push their partners around.

Others will help only when it furthers their own life agenda, or engineer or invite negative reactions with joy.

Whether you are a man or women in this person's relationship - you must do what you can to protect and improve your life.

In fact over 90% of domestic violence call-outs, are events initiated by a woman, either just prior, or a buildup of a number of events.

You being able to recognize the less obvious types of abuse, will improve your life beyond belief.

If your girlfriend doesn’t feel any guilt no matter what she does or says, this will reinforce to you her 'grand' plans of control.

She might be possibly be a sociopath. More likely this is her standard operating plan or method of getting her own way in life. Even so, read The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout. It is a popularized story, yet does have a number of red flags you will learn from the book.
 It is in proper terms a mental disorder, and the primary marker, is that a person is not being self aware of - a number of or any other peoples concerns- in relation to meeting their own self-focused (seemingly insatiable) needs.

 Even better-  Roy Sheppard's books 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side' .

Each child should have been taught-

 

Aim to become the best you can be.

• You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to.
• You will experience pain from time to time, but you’ll become better.
• You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.
• The most important part of you will always be what’s inside.
• In every place you are, you must leave your mark - a good one. 
• No matter what the condition, you must continue to grow.

 This brings you a strong sense of feeling of purpose, value, and meaning, and says to you how valuable you are – and how you and others in your world deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and love.

This girl or women hasn't;- you must - if you wish to succeed - continue? this relationship at a distance.

If you’re searching for signs of an abusive 'friend', you are in an unhealthy relationship. You do know when you are not being treated right – but you may not know how to deserve to be treated better.

Honestly, if this girl is over 13 years, and this is happening - leave - this has been their life pattern, and may only change if they go through a catastrophe - you do not need that to happen to you.

5 Signs of an Abusive Girlfriend

You can change your life. Something like a pencil on paper: – you might not be able to erase what you’ve experienced, but you can overwrite it, and definitely start over with a fresh page, not repeating the previous lessons.

 The Signs:-

1-You don’t feel good about yourself after being with her

If you feel deflated, sad, incompetent, depressed, or tired after being with your girlfriend, then she will be sucking the energy right out of you. Maybe she’s not 'abusive' – maybe she’s a life energy vampire. A friend calls them 'draining people.' Maybe she isn’t life giving or inspiring. If you walk away from her with emotional or physical bruises,or even question this, then she is abusive.

2-Your girlfriend criticizes and complains a lot.

There are different types of abuse. Emotional, physical, sexual, and financial are three types of abuse. Neglect is another sign of abuse – even though a neglectful girlfriend doesn’t seem like she’s actually abusing you. Neglect is a type of abuse the children experience if their physical, cognitive, emotional, and social needs aren’t met. Your girlfriend doesn’t have this type of control over your life, does she? If so, it’s a sign of an immature coping technique learnt from their parent/s - leave now.

3-Your girlfriend is an energy vampire.

Energy vampires drain positive energy in many ways, such as:

• Intruding on your life, ignoring boundaries and privacy.
• Complaining constantly about their partners, jobs, children, bad luck, and illnesses.
• Criticizing your hair, appearance, job, children, partner, friends, and pets.
• Not taking “no” for an answer. A sign of an abusive friend is not considering your needs.
• Being unrelentingly negative – and encouraging you to be negative, too.
• Blaming everyone else for their problems.

This is a control technique used by many bad and corrupt authorities, and is a type of emotional abuse.

4-You can’t depend on your girlfriend

Financially you should not depend on her. Nor allow her to feed off your efforts without a valid and measurable agreed return. They may use words that get to you - even though you keep trying to ignore them. Feeding off your self-esteem. They might say they feel sick, or doesn’t love part of you anymore, and if any intimate relations occur, it will be only on her terms, with minimizing statements later on. If you ask them to stop abusing you, or stop torturing you they will smile and verbally say they aren't or would never do that.

5-Your girlfriend uses you

It’s a sign of abuse when your 'friend' constantly borrows money, asks you to drive them, their children or family around, makes you take care of her kids or house or drugs, or uses you in other ways. You do know when you’re being used.
Even if you can’t see it, your friends and family will say something questioning, or avoid coming to your place.

****

Realize that a lot of modern - particularly western - women will never be happy with any man as long as they live. The reality is they've been fed completely fabricated romance movies growing up, as has most of her friends.
She believes she deserves everything she sees on TV., and you are the one to pay for it for her. She will always think that her perfect man, her soulmate, her white knight in shining armor is out there somewhere.
Absolutely nothing a man can do will please such women forever. These women will die alone and will never, ever care - so long as they have a house to entertain their chosen few at.

These are the women whom you cannot please no matter what. If you’re with such a woman you should let her go immediately and find a better companion. Don’t fall for the 'saving her' idea. She isn’t a damsel in distress and she is using that on purpose to get what she wants, and always has done since she was a toddler.


If you need physical closeness or sex- find a companion with that mutually in mind, or pay a clean professional; or ideally - as Napolean Hill says - transmute it - redirect the hormonal and societal thinking into an achievement power for yourself, and your new future.


There is a light at the end of your tunnel, do let her go now- whereas if you stay on board with this woman she will sit there not helping, while your ship is sinking -she has made the holes. 

 Dust yourself off and find yourself a better life, - there are sports, hobbies, building an empire, dogs, boats, vehicles, books - many many things to refocus your life on. 

 Be good to yourself.

Go and get a vasectomy if you haven't already - it can be reversed if necessary - it will be the best investment as far as an insurance you will ever make.



Recommended links to Help you....


Hobby ideas from amazon.

 

 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

 

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Or take an Assertiveness course. This will help you stand your ground without appearing aggressive or hostile.

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

 

 

pic courtesy of Bare maidens

How does a Man get over a breakup the easiest, most painless way?

Bare Maiden with your world in her power.

The period after breaking up with a partner or girlfriend can be a time of doubt, insecurity, concern, or just of wonderment. Rather than a time of release, or appreciation of the good.

Most girls or woman, and their male equivalents, use manipulative techniques to get what they want during a relationship, and more so in a breakup - this is their power-base.

Having not been able to either control you, or get exactly what they want quickly enough, they use their well practiced and/or their friend's techniques, to effect pain on you - so they maintain their belief (to them) of their omnipotence.

This is something you must keep in mind, when you have been 'discarded' or in their words 'dumped.'

Do go back and read the Miss Battles post to get a better idea of where they are coming from - this will help you move on to better things in your life.

Primarily, be thankful, it happened now - rather than in a seriously life threatening time. No matter how beautiful they are on the outside, or whatever other attributes they have or had - there is always someone better. They have in fact proved that, and their un-trustworthiness, by considering you beneath their or their friend's aspirations, and treating you as they have.

A few steps to getting over a breakup

1) Understand that you're thoughts and memories create the 'feelings' that you are are still in love with her. As attractive, as she was, that was a great life experience then.


2) There are millions of date-able women in the world. There are literally millions of women as good, or better, than her.And of course millions who are similar or worse - let's think 50/50 for the moment - reality says otherwise - but think like this for now. There are over 3 billion women in the world and the median age for them world-wide is dependent on the country you are in then.
There are prettier women, there are sexier women, there are smarter women, there are younger women – anything you can think of there are millions more.

 To be obsessed with this one in a sea of millions is a good focus, (she thought so) while you are with her, - but now you must pay attention to your own growth.

All her “great” qualities were how she presented herself, and something you made up in your mind. The truth is that women will change to please you in any way you desire. Women are actors in 'love', and your hobbies and interests will become hers. A better woman will always be found.


3) She is not your soulmate, your true love, the one or anything else. She is a girl you partnered with for a while.
Soulmates and true love is an invention of the mass media, movies and sold to the gullible masses.
If she was your soulmate or your true love you would still be with her and everything would be roses.
If true-love existed then she would still be with you. It isn’t true love you have, it’s true infatuation because she played you really well.


4) Realize that when another girl comes along you will begin to forget all about the old one. The new one will of course force this requirement as well. The way you get over your dog’s death is you mourn for a while and then you go to the puppy pound and pick up a new dog. Similarly, the way you truly get over a woman is to get a life outside of them.


5) Do not watch emotional movies or listen to popular music. The media is planned to hold in this place, so you will waste money buying her affections. Rather than consume media that makes you sad, you must consume media that uplifts you and motivates you for the future - whether you are with her or not.


6) Realize that you dodged a bullet by breaking up. As it could not last, it will not last, it is best that it’s over with now, instead of in the future when much more will be at stake. A little heartache is a whole lot better than being bled dry from an unhappy ex-wife.
This girl has internal immaturity, that is not repairable - much like a dog that always bites people no matter what you do. (Don't put the girl down - you will get in trouble - leave it,- these types often cause their own fatalities later, by cancer usually.)


7) Realize that you may be sad and lonesome for a little while and accept it. You wouldn’t be too human if you had no emotions at all. Maybe you’ll spend a week or two listening to sad music and drinking too much rum, whiskey, or beer. Just don’t let it become habit. Get it out, get it over with and move on to your new and better life. You have learned something here.

8) You can now learn from your mistakes and get a better companion for your future women. That doesn’t mean you should pay them more attention or buy more gifts, you absolutely must not.
If you want a woman to be head over heels in love with you, you simply cannot be too available to her. That doesn’t mean you must be rude or impolite, but it does mean you cannot be too eager to please.


Your woman must look up to you in some way to maintain her feelings of 'love' - security really - for you.

Ninety percent of woman want a free meal ticket - you do not want to be drained by these ones, you are seeking the 10% that will continuously participate and contribute actively to life - it is called a partnership for a reason. 


9) Never, ever take advice from her friends, on how to get women. They will lie, and tell you to be nice and be yourself and/or buy gifts, knowing full well that they despise the losers who do such things. Similarly, do not take advice from internet “pick up artists” hellbent on sexual conquests, another STD is not a good idea.
The best person to take advice from is the guys who have succeeded in what you have worked out you want.


10) Realize that a lot of modern - particularly western - women will never be happy with any man as long as they live. The reality is they've been fed completely fabricated romance movies growing up, as has most of her friends.
She believes she deserves everything she sees on TV., and you are the one to pay for it for her. She will always think that her perfect man, her soulmate, her white knight in shining armor is out there somewhere.
Absolutely nothing a man can do will please such women forever. These women will die alone and will never, ever care - so long as they have a house to entertain their chosen few at.

These are the women whom you cannot please no matter what. If you’re dating such a woman you should let her go immediately and find a better companion. Don’t fall for the 'saving her' idea. She isn’t a damsel in distress and she is using that on purpose to get what she wants, always has done since she was a toddler.


11) If you need physical closeness or sex- find a companion with that mutually in mind, or pay a clean professional; or ideally - as Napolean Hill says - transmute it - redirect the hormonal and societal thinking into an achievement power for yourself, and your new future.

Getting over a breakup is actually quite easy when you think about it in a logical way, and don’t listen to others.

There is a light at the end of your tunnel, whereas if you had stayed on board with this woman she would have sat there not helping, while your ship was sinking then jumped into someone else's bed, forgetting about you soon enough. 

The right choice has been made for you, breathe a little easier now. 

 Dust yourself off and find yourself a better life, - there are sports, hobbies, building an empire, dogs, boats, vehicles, books - many many things to refocus your life on. 

 Be good to yourself.

Go and get a vasectomy if you haven't already - it can be reversed if necessary - it will be the best investment as far as an insurance you will ever make.



Recommended links to Help you....


Hobby ideas from amazon.

 

 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

 

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Or take an Assertiveness course. This will help you stand your ground, and get what you want easily.

  

 

 

Or 

 Want to still get your ex back - Oprah's relationship specialist has the answers for you

 

pic courtesy of Bare maidens