The end of a relationship, from a woman's point of view

Who wants who in this relationship?

Do not be afraid to stand up for your rights to get this woman or man out of your life.

It really is OK to move on from people in the world.

Think that they were your associate or hoped for partner for that time in your life - now it is time for a new chapter.

Being diplomatic is the most positive solution, as it will allow the other party to think that it was under their control.

Psychically or psychologically the initiation of the problems was under their control - they may or may not be aware of that.

Diplomacy may not be 100% possible if you have not learnt some of those skills yet - Briefly it is directing someone on a path in a direction you have chosen - in this case away from you - allowing them to remain feeling good about themselves and their choices.

• Directness can work sometimes if both can see a value in the alternatives.

• Threats real or implied, sadly never seem to bring good, no matter how popular they are.

While standing up for your rights, the weaker thinking people (no matter what their costume or title - perhaps more especially so) will support your ex or soon to be ex-friend's take on the situation. Perhaps, or in fact more likely - wanting to be distributed some of the spoils - a sad reality in any western society.

Do be aware no one cares about your safety or life as much as you do, and you will be surprised how unimportant your life is, to some of the people whose advertised job it is to protect you. Their system is the their ultimate interest, not one individual in it.

The easiest, and most peaceful solution is for most people no contact, go and read the woodcutter post then come back here.

When you do remain in contact you continue to engage in a relationship on some level and are still affected by its triggers. Of course there are cases where 'no contact' is not possible due to the involvement of children, employment, or family.
This you can easily handle by separating the areas of contact, e.g. only talk about work, while you are at work, only talk about your shared children's activities while with your partner etc.

 Limit the ammunition you give anyone really, no other person in the world has the right to all of your psyche - if they complain about it - they are a manipulator - exclude them from your life-space quickly - unless they are your therapist with a signed confidentiality warrant (that you get the original of, and they keep a copy) they are up to NO good. Read are there any good people in the world.

No contact gives you the space and time to get some forward energy back into your life. It can be a challenge at first as you resist the urge to answer the phone, return an email or make that regular call.  It is a decision for your health and sanity, even when they have seemed like the only one in the world you trusted before.


Here are your rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship, just begin to do so.

2) It often involves shared possessions, think about what important item your other half would like to take from you - either remove it to safety now, or accept its loss.  Get separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason for her to contact you. If necessary use a third party that they respect.

3) Clean out your thinking and get rid of any thought triggers of especially pity - empathy or even sympathy from a distance is OK.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If she stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see her in public, wave, say hello, and avoid eye contact, then move away as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If she calls, don’t answer the phone. If she calls from an unidentified number and you hear her voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word.  If she is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. It may be worth a written documented complaint to the telco authorities.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block her emails and even consider having your own email address changed so she won’t have your information. Introduce a new policy at work of no personal emails - and ensure everyone follows it.

7) If you are on any mutual community websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access her web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on her. What she is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of hers.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with her at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him.
If you find mutual friends do not support your request you must never trust them again.
Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way.

9) If you work with her, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced financially to do business with her, keep all communication 100% business and don’t allow her to engage you in any other way.

10) If you have children with her you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. If you assume she or her friends are narcissistic, that will be the safest for you- they as people will often use the children as a way to get to you.
Your job, as should be hers, is to support the children especially emotionally as they grow- treat it as a job that you want to do -the adult relationship may have ended, yet the life purpose here is still important.


Once you have moved forward, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe she has changed.

People do change, and it is easy to do so, and against populist propaganda - it is easy to change others.
This is not a usual trend though, and in the case where you have needed to use the above techniques, the likelihood of any real change in the direction you want - is very small.

 Allow her the life path she is on, and move forward with yours.

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple...

  Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (buy and read them all!)

 

 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

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How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationship, or saying I'm not good enough.

As a Maiden making your own way in the world

The feeling of "not good enough" to be friends, lovers, or business partners with certain people, is common.
Feeling insecure, you might both enter and end many promising relationships because of your perceptions or yourself. Or how you have been trained as a child, by parents with their own issues.

Many a time walking away, rather than risking rejection is how we might deal with it. And 70 % of the time that is the right thing to do - as we are not ready for what is offered to us, or we indeed have picked up on an undercurrent of dis-ease.

A lot of time the one we had chosen, had in fact chosen us, as an easy target to get their own way.

And will use our hint of insecurity to maintain their dominance.

So do be very aware, there are some faulty people in the world, no matter male or female; - generally an either self-professed authority, or preening type person is a great indicator, these must be kept as a short term, or no contact.
 Their hidden issues and inner voids, are too much for the normal person to fill, and sadly they will turn to abuse, if they can't get all they want - so you must avoid them.

As a metaphor, view and question your mind as they may be a beautiful house built over a toxic waste site, with loose soil; looks good and appealing to all, but has inherent, and damaging to you, problems.

  On a positive note though - not everyone is like this, you are in fact seeking to align yourself with the 10% of more than OK people in the world.
And not sabotage your own happiness, and good future.  
To set yourself up for success in a relationship is the secret, and if you’re actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to…

1. Stop trying to read their minds.

The process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid way to feelings of insecurity and stress. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t.

The challenge with this is;

 1- you are devaluing the others individuality - most will 'intuitively' pick up on this, and leave -
 and
2- you are trying to control the world through only your experiences

Note- Sometimes silence is good, don’t assume so quickly that their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.  Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind.  Say what you actually mean and be tactfully truthful about what you say.  Do give the people in your life the information they need, in the area you hope to trust them in.
Constantly asking, "What are you thinking?" can also provoke a person to withdraw in some form from a relationship. Read on.....

2. Stop looking for perfect relationships.

To be seeking the right lover and the right friends is a good and valid aim, though if you expect them to be perfect in every way, they may not live up to your fantasy of perfection in every way.
That is because we are all imperfect in some way.  You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you attract relationships with people who may have complementary ways.
If you are looking for the ideal, it is better to be ideal for yourself and look for people who balance you out.

3. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.

Simply because some were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships may be kind and supportive.
If you do carry old behaviours from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart for you before.

 

4. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.

Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage.  Too often we could be following a parental or religious invocation, and living out their life - (the previous control persons) - not ours.
The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. And many drivers do need re-training - it is much better to train someone with positive guidance, than with continuous nagging or power/control behaviours.

5. Stop focusing on the negatives.

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it mightn't always be. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.  
Be careful of your 'friends' and families influence here. Many a dis-affected child has gone on in adulthood to diminish and destroy other peoples good relationships, due to their own insecurities - if these are your associates, think of yourself first, and limit your contact with them - it is now the time to leave that swamp for free and clear ground.


Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept everyone into your life who is willing to accept you. Nor does it give you permission to compromise your values. It does mean that if there are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you can choose to work through them for your own growth at least.

No meaningful relationship seems to  work perfectly all the time.  Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship is not going to help you, as is solely focusing your life on the relationship.  There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good - particularly in you.  

Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships.   
What you are best to do, is look for signs of what is working, and encourage and enhance those.

Recommended links to help you now...Choose one...

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Why me, what am i doing to deserve this?

 Changing my life, to change my results.

 

Are you letting early interpretations of the world to shape and control your destiny? Most of us do, it seems only natural.

In fact. that is how our elders teach us to fit in to their world.

We need to take our experiences and frame them in a way that makes us stronger and makes life work for us. (As usual-within the terms of the law and mores of your society.)

Sometimes I think Mars or another habitable planet, would be a good idea, I would want to first there though, and to live forever.


Firstly, a story:-

“That’s impossible,” they said on the phone “She was found dead this morning in the office. She had been dead since Friday night.”
This was the beginning and the end of my crazy summer working for the government.

There were lots of things I didn't enjoy about working there. My job was strange. I was working in a tall building with hardly any windows. The pay was low and the people I was working with did not appear to be happy.
One of the strangest things about my experience working there was the group of people who I shared the office with. Every day, an older very large woman would come in with a very young man, and they would sit in the office with me all day. They would do nothing but spend their time playing games on the computer, eating, and looking at me. I never saw them talk to anyone else, or in fact leave their chairs. As far as I knew, they did nothing.
When I would answer the phone or type on the keyboard they would seem annoyed. “Have to answer that phone faster,” one would say. “Yeh good bl....y job!” the other would follow on.
 As well as taking calls from other divisions, I was involved in research projects that just made no sense to me. One of them involved a series of unrelated questions about battery powered cars exploding, The job, the people, the whole setting… not much of it was appealing. I looked forward to escaping each day. I worried I would become like the woman who was found dead at her desk.

Until, halfway through my 3 month tenure,- my boss wanted me to go and live in his house while he and his family went on vacation, and take care of their parrot. Great I thought - free rent, big TV, bar fridge, comfy house, a tame friend - I had wonderful visions,
Not to be, unfortunately.

I got to move,- into his basement;- where I was surrounded by boxes and a collection of old (empty) bottles. Despite the surroundings, the living conditions in the basement were much better than the cheap motel I had landed in a few weeks ago, when I first had come to town.
 I was now living  in a basement surrounded by old bottles and boxes of who knew really what, with a noisy parrot upstairs in the main room.

I remember the phone ringing in the house late one night, and I rushed upstairs from the basement to grab it. It was a my brother, whom I'd not spoken to for 6 months, as he was working in the desert. There was a delay in the communication because he was calling on his satellite phone.

I told him, I was not interested in working for the government, the pay was low and that the work was crazy and seemed pointless. I'll never forget what he said to me.
“Isn’t this but the most you can expect out of your life? If you do this, you will have really succeeded.”
For me, this was not what I wanted in my life, he was saying it was. This was nothing like I wanted.

 My idea of what it meant to be employed was much much more than this. Had I chosen to believe and accept his words, I might have spent my whole life doing something that would have made me an extra in Pink Floyd's musical "The Wall".

Regular fixed pay, but without a chance of developing my skills outside the block walls. And seemingly doomed to life in a seedy motel, or a basement.

I quickly created a reference for myself that the worst possible thing that could happen to me was to work for the government. I had had such a strange  experience, enhanced by the basement life. Working for the government had gone from being my dream to my nightmare.

This makes no sense, of course. our references are what control how we think about things. 

People, like my brother, provide us with references as to how we may choose to view our lives, and we can either accept them or deny them.

 His implying that this was the best I could expect for myself made me furious. I didn't want to be judged for being part of the government world as I experienced it.

When my tenure had ended, I left and I tried to get as far away from a government career as possible.

*******************************************************************

Are you allowing early interpretations of the world to shape and control your destiny? Most of us do, it seems only natural.

We need to take our experiences and frame them in a way that makes us stronger and makes life work for us.

One of the saddest things that can happen to a person is to be abused when they are young. Each person reacts differently to the experience. One can either protect yourself from it, try to numb the feelings, or accept it as an event that happened before. Perhaps a good example,of positive response- is the public story of Nelson Mandela.

 Follows is a quote from a famous musician....

"This experience was one of the best things I have ever gone through. I have never given in to any kind of self-pity for longer than two minutes since then. I realized I can solve my own problems. It showed me that what I thought was my own hell was nothing compared with the hell of others. I have taken that 21-year-old with me throughout my life. He has helped me through the deaths of friends, family matters, personal-relationship issues......"

The most important things we have in our lives are references.

What determines the quality of our lives is how we evaluate situations.

I  think of my early experience with the government. I formed personal beliefs about what the government was like and used this to propel myself away from it.


The references you have for the way the world is, will impact everything that happens to you, and will shape your life.

Your references do not need to be only things that have happened in the past. They can also be references you set up for yourself and what will happen in your future.

The often told story of Sony.
When Sony first started marketing radios in the United States in the 1950s, Bulova offered to buy 100,000 units, but insisted they be marketed under the Bulova brand name. This was to be the largest order Sony had ever received and would give the floundering company money to grow and prosper.

At the time, Sony co-founder Akio Morita barely had any money. Morita was firm he did not want to accept the order and told headquarters that he was not going to take it. Headquarters thought he was crazy.

When Morita told Bulova about his decision, they stated, “Our company name is a famous brand name that has taken over 50 years to establish. Nobody has ever heard of your brand name. Why not take advantage of ours?”
Morita remained steadfast in his views and refused to accept the order.
His reply to Bulova: “Fifty years ago, your brand name must have been just as unknown as our name is today. I am here with a new product, and I am taking the first step for the next fifty years of my company. Fifty years from now I promise you that our name will be just as famous as your company name is today.”



 We use references to give us certainty about the way things are.

When Thomas Edison was designing the light bulb and failing again and again, he told himself, and others- he was one step closer to creating the light bulb each time.
My personal thinking is -"oh well that way didn't work." 

When you look at your past in a way that empowers you, every single day is a new opportunity for growth. When you look at your past in this way, you may realize the worst days of your life were actually your best.

Always link the meaning to your experiences that will strengthen you.

Stand guard at the door of your mind. Do not let your past represent something negative that can hurt you now. Not many of us have had perfect life experiences.

There is in fact no limit to your life except the limits you impose on it. (You may have to move away sometimes). Your future and the world are wide open to you.

 Try to look at everything you’ve done in the past as a powerful lesson that’s making you stronger and better every day. Never be limited by your own mind. Allow your mind to interpret the world for your benefit, and not your detriment.


Once again: Your life is shaped by the reference points through which you experience the world.You must learn to take these experiences and frame them in a way that makes you stronger. This is really very easy in practice.

Keep reading this site.



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Enjoy the silver spoon

The sun rises on our success

To use a symbol as a talisman.

The story follows-

Early spoons were made of wood, the word 'spoon,' in fact, said to arise from the Anglo-Saxon spon, 'a chip of wood.'

Many people used pewter spoons, but traditionally, especially among the wealthy, godparents have given the gift of a silver spoon to their godchildren at christening ceremonies.

Note the symbols of;-wealth, protection and the beginning of life in the big world.

 The custom is centuries old throughout Europe- noted authors mention it as far back as the 1600's.

 Often denigrated as only affordable only by rich persons,-with a negative journalistic inference, it's more likely that the spoon has come to symbolize wealth.

Choose it for yourself- the bringing of a object; be it a silver spoon, the sun, or a unique mark to your conscious thought will remind you of your path.
Many people use other's symbols-it is better for you to have one of your own as well.

Keep it private-if you are asked-"it is a lucky charm"



Exercise:You can buy or make a talisman or charm, either to carry or to place somewhere important. Get one posted from Amazon, or go to the local dollar store. It does-not have to be expensive - it is a talisman or symbol - a selected or chosen object to remind you of your good and helpful thoughts. Re-read the silver spoon post here.
If you can, make something, or a 2 or 3 of them, the process, meditation, and thinking while making will work wonders.
Put the charm were you see it each morning and night - if not carried with you if small.

If a situation turns to an unwanted one - revise, and bring out the talisman again.



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