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| Self satisfaction |
Strong words - yet many times I have come across both woman and men, that have had more than one life partner turn to drugs/alcohol or suicide - keep your distance - these people are either psychopaths, or psychic vampires.
If you thought that verbal abuse was mainly name calling and hurling outright insults, you are partly right - but many are a covert abuser. The methods are insidious and have you feel that you could be to blame for just about everything that is wrong.
Follows is a good friend's story for you to learn from.
**Important it could be either a HE or a She
"She would often criticize men and women on TV, or while out driving- their physical faults, mouth too large, crooked nose, too fat, too thin, etc. She was particularly critical of confident women broadcasters, and would be very insulting of them. I finally stood up to her (mistake) and let her know that she was being very cruel. In hindsight I realize I felt more protective of the other people than myself.
One of the most painful and damaging aspects of her abusive ways was her obvious delight in seeing my hurt responses to the cruel remarks... the smirk, the laugh, the rolling of the eyes, the hate-filled look. As time went on, I learned to hide my feelings and to refrain from reasoning or arguing with her. I could never "win" anyway. It did hurt a little to realize that the one who promised to love and cherish you doesn't really care for you.
She seemed to get a lot of pleasure in seeing me suffer physically as well. It was a freezing cold day and I went out to the garage to bring in something. I somehow locked myself out of the house. I was dressed only in light clothing, and gently knocked on the doors and windows for her to let me inside. I was becoming very cold, and concerned that I would quickly become hypothermic. Finally after about 30 minutes or so and repeated knocks and calls she answered the door. She said she didn't hear me earlier. She appeared very unconcerned about me and the whole incident. I just let it go as I knew better than to argue with her...she would just yell irrational insults at me.
Shortly afterwards, when our son and his wife and children were visiting, she recounted her story, about my locking myself out of the house. She made me sound stupid. I quietly remarked that I became very cold and wondered when she would answer the door. She did not care to listen and brushed me off.
Almost all of my efforts seemed to be wasted on her now. This happens very often in abusive relationships...the abuser was, and is never really satisfied. She would criticize and downgrade me often, and I began to feel worth a bit less. I began to question my self-esteem as a result.
Like so many abusers, she was very polite and good-mannered to others. Family, business associates, friends at church... they were completely oblivious to her abusive ways. She had developed a charming persona that she could control at will, that she could switch on and off.
For brief periods over that long marriage of 20 years, I was called depressed, non communicative - as well as other unmentionables.
They seemed to develop long-range plans to control and manipulate the situation, and deny my reality of events.
In the months leading to the separation, she would become angry and ask why I married her. I would reply because I loved her. She would sneer and make a denigrating sound. This, I felt, was her covert way of turning around the usual "Why did I marry you" remark.
Another illustration of his type of abuse: Several years ago, she and I were having lunch at a restaurant. There was no argument involved, either beforehand or at the time (as if that should matter). I started choking on a piece of food stuck in my throat. She was sitting next to me, and just got up from the table and left.
After arriving home, I calmly asked her why she didn't help me. She changed the subject, and appeared completely unconcerned about this incident.
In the months before leaving, I had tried to talk with her, asking her to offer her ideas to work it out. She would become very angry and would refuse, blaming me instead."
Many life lessons here, even though the abuser was an apparently successful teacher (of all things), their apparently single-minded determination to destroy another person is obvious.
The abuser went on to stay with a wealthy person, and when their money had run out- they poisoned them.
Note very carefully the initial statements of how other people outside the relationship were talked about.
This is the key secret to fathoming or sounding out an individual's sense of their own self - and how they will eventually treat you- no excuses.
Get them talking about this when you first meet them - and you make your plans from there.
Recommended Links to help you...
Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (buy and read them all!)
'The Dangerous Woman' or 'Venus the dark side' -- Both Highly recommended reads
Or take an Assertiveness course. This will help you stand your ground and get what you want easily.
Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.
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