The end of a relationship, from a woman's point of view

Who wants who in this relationship?

Do not be afraid to stand up for your rights to get this woman or man out of your life.

It really is OK to move on from people in the world.

Think that they were your associate or hoped for partner for that time in your life - now it is time for a new chapter.

Being diplomatic is the most positive solution, as it will allow the other party to think that it was under their control.

Psychically or psychologically the initiation of the problems was under their control - they may or may not be aware of that.

Diplomacy may not be 100% possible if you have not learnt some of those skills yet - Briefly it is directing someone on a path in a direction you have chosen - in this case away from you - allowing them to remain feeling good about themselves and their choices.

• Directness can work sometimes if both can see a value in the alternatives.

• Threats real or implied, sadly never seem to bring good, no matter how popular they are.

While standing up for your rights, the weaker thinking people (no matter what their costume or title - perhaps more especially so) will support your ex or soon to be ex-friend's take on the situation. Perhaps, or in fact more likely - wanting to be distributed some of the spoils - a sad reality in any western society.

Do be aware no one cares about your safety or life as much as you do, and you will be surprised how unimportant your life is, to some of the people whose advertised job it is to protect you. Their system is the their ultimate interest, not one individual in it.

The easiest, and most peaceful solution is for most people no contact, go and read the woodcutter post then come back here.

When you do remain in contact you continue to engage in a relationship on some level and are still affected by its triggers. Of course there are cases where 'no contact' is not possible due to the involvement of children, employment, or family.
This you can easily handle by separating the areas of contact, e.g. only talk about work, while you are at work, only talk about your shared children's activities while with your partner etc.

 Limit the ammunition you give anyone really, no other person in the world has the right to all of your psyche - if they complain about it - they are a manipulator - exclude them from your life-space quickly - unless they are your therapist with a signed confidentiality warrant (that you get the original of, and they keep a copy) they are up to NO good. Read are there any good people in the world.

No contact gives you the space and time to get some forward energy back into your life. It can be a challenge at first as you resist the urge to answer the phone, return an email or make that regular call.  It is a decision for your health and sanity, even when they have seemed like the only one in the world you trusted before.


Here are your rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship, just begin to do so.

2) It often involves shared possessions, think about what important item your other half would like to take from you - either remove it to safety now, or accept its loss.  Get separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason for her to contact you. If necessary use a third party that they respect.

3) Clean out your thinking and get rid of any thought triggers of especially pity - empathy or even sympathy from a distance is OK.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If she stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see her in public, wave, say hello, and avoid eye contact, then move away as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If she calls, don’t answer the phone. If she calls from an unidentified number and you hear her voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word.  If she is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. It may be worth a written documented complaint to the telco authorities.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block her emails and even consider having your own email address changed so she won’t have your information. Introduce a new policy at work of no personal emails - and ensure everyone follows it.

7) If you are on any mutual community websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access her web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on her. What she is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of hers.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with her at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him.
If you find mutual friends do not support your request you must never trust them again.
Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way.

9) If you work with her, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced financially to do business with her, keep all communication 100% business and don’t allow her to engage you in any other way.

10) If you have children with her you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. If you assume she or her friends are narcissistic, that will be the safest for you- they as people will often use the children as a way to get to you.
Your job, as should be hers, is to support the children especially emotionally as they grow- treat it as a job that you want to do -the adult relationship may have ended, yet the life purpose here is still important.


Once you have moved forward, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe she has changed.

People do change, and it is easy to do so, and against populist propaganda - it is easy to change others.
This is not a usual trend though, and in the case where you have needed to use the above techniques, the likelihood of any real change in the direction you want - is very small.

 Allow her the life path she is on, and move forward with yours.

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple...

  Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (buy and read them all!)

 

 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

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Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  



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Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...
Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.


 

How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationship, or saying I'm not good enough.

As a Maiden making your own way in the world

The feeling of "not good enough" to be friends, lovers, or business partners with certain people, is common.
Feeling insecure, you might both enter and end many promising relationships because of your perceptions or yourself. Or how you have been trained as a child, by parents with their own issues.

Many a time walking away, rather than risking rejection is how we might deal with it. And 70 % of the time that is the right thing to do - as we are not ready for what is offered to us, or we indeed have picked up on an undercurrent of dis-ease.

A lot of time the one we had chosen, had in fact chosen us, as an easy target to get their own way.

And will use our hint of insecurity to maintain their dominance.

So do be very aware, there are some faulty people in the world, no matter male or female; - generally an either self-professed authority, or preening type person is a great indicator, these must be kept as a short term, or no contact.
 Their hidden issues and inner voids, are too much for the normal person to fill, and sadly they will turn to abuse, if they can't get all they want - so you must avoid them.

As a metaphor, view and question your mind as they may be a beautiful house built over a toxic waste site, with loose soil; looks good and appealing to all, but has inherent, and damaging to you, problems.

  On a positive note though - not everyone is like this, you are in fact seeking to align yourself with the 10% of more than OK people in the world.
And not sabotage your own happiness, and good future.  
To set yourself up for success in a relationship is the secret, and if you’re actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to…

1. Stop trying to read their minds.

The process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid way to feelings of insecurity and stress. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t.

The challenge with this is;

 1- you are devaluing the others individuality - most will 'intuitively' pick up on this, and leave -
 and
2- you are trying to control the world through only your experiences

Note- Sometimes silence is good, don’t assume so quickly that their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.  Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind.  Say what you actually mean and be tactfully truthful about what you say.  Do give the people in your life the information they need, in the area you hope to trust them in.
Constantly asking, "What are you thinking?" can also provoke a person to withdraw in some form from a relationship. Read on.....

2. Stop looking for perfect relationships.

To be seeking the right lover and the right friends is a good and valid aim, though if you expect them to be perfect in every way, they may not live up to your fantasy of perfection in every way.
That is because we are all imperfect in some way.  You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you attract relationships with people who may have complementary ways.
If you are looking for the ideal, it is better to be ideal for yourself and look for people who balance you out.

3. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.

Simply because some were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships may be kind and supportive.
If you do carry old behaviours from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart for you before.

 

4. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.

Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage.  Too often we could be following a parental or religious invocation, and living out their life - (the previous control persons) - not ours.
The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. And many drivers do need re-training - it is much better to train someone with positive guidance, than with continuous nagging or power/control behaviours.

5. Stop focusing on the negatives.

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it mightn't always be. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.  
Be careful of your 'friends' and families influence here. Many a dis-affected child has gone on in adulthood to diminish and destroy other peoples good relationships, due to their own insecurities - if these are your associates, think of yourself first, and limit your contact with them - it is now the time to leave that swamp for free and clear ground.


Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept everyone into your life who is willing to accept you. Nor does it give you permission to compromise your values. It does mean that if there are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you can choose to work through them for your own growth at least.

No meaningful relationship seems to  work perfectly all the time.  Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship is not going to help you, as is solely focusing your life on the relationship.  There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good - particularly in you.  

Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships.   
What you are best to do, is look for signs of what is working, and encourage and enhance those.

Recommended links to help you now...Choose one...

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Grow yourself online in the privacy of your own home





Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  


   

pic courtesy of bare maidens

Is Holding on being brave? Or is it Time to Let Go? Finding the strength.

Let them into my life space?

On occasion letting go and moving on is what makes some of us stronger and happier. We can often look back and say we shouldn't have, or should have not let that pass. And introspection and revising is good, if it helps us respond to new or new/old events in a better way.

When it comes to people relationships we can, yet shouldn't accommodate them at our expense. Not money or wealth, even though that occurs, but emotional and/or psychological health.

You generally know, or are developing your own life path - and yes it does need to be a better one often. Take care, if you are an adult - you are the one who ultimately chooses or allows situations to occur.


Read on to help.....

1) Someone expects you to be someone you’re not. – Don’t change who you are specifically for someone else.  It’s OK to change if you see the long-term value in being better, yet if someone is dictating you to change to please them alone - it is wise to consider if they have a valid point.
Or is it coming from a fear within them? And where does it end. Sounds like the indicators of control and abuse.

2) A person’s actions don’t match their words. –Don’t listen to what people say so much to you- even though that is important. Watch how they talk about others, or groups of others, and watch what they do. If someone is consistently inconsistent and their actions don’t match up with their words, it’s time to let them go. True friendship is a promise of some mutual trust, this seems to show the opposite.

3) You catch yourself forcing someone to love you. – We shouldn’t beg, deceive, or manipulate someone to stay when they may want to leave. To truly live is the beginning of an understanding that love sometimes leaves for a reason, but never leaves without a lesson to be learnt.


4) An intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction. – Being beautiful is good, being good inside is even better.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever. Your body does change - guaranteed. But the good people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you. It’s about being who you are and living your life honestly, with a consideration for others.

5) Someone continuously breaks your trust. – This does get tiring after a while, most of us prefer the security of an approximate prediction. It is best when someone has the chance to hurt you, but they choose not to.  Don't be so naive to completely trust a person, without any doubt, you may not like the result. Involve them in the decision making, and they will reciprocate giving you a trustworthy result.

6) Someone continuously overlooks your worth. – Know your worth! When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of you that you’ll never get back. If they are so wound up in themselves, they always will be - you have to let go and stop chasing them. Save it for some sheep - and you will need to learn skills of attraction there too.


7) You are never given a chance to speak your mind. – Sometimes a settled discussion saves a relationship, whereas silence breaks it.  Speak up from your heart, with reasonable tact, aiming in the direction you wish to be heading. Life is about being honest with an appreciation of the others point of references, and sharing your happiness with them.


8) You are frequently forced to sacrifice your happiness. – Frequently is the word here, know when to consider your own desires and needs as well. If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you are being a martyr- not a great career of life choice. People wake up to them pretty quickly, and most avoid them for safety's sake.


9) You truly dislike your current situation, routine, job, etc. – It’s better to acknowledge you need to change, rather than going through an unlived life. Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of going after yours. Move in your desired life direction, and learn from your situation, and your choices.



10) You catch yourself obsessing over, and living in, the past. – What matters most is not the first, but the ongoing chapters of your life, which you unveil as you make your story happen.
If you are in such a bad place for yourself that the past is the ideal. It would be best to leave the current situation, while you rebuild yourself.
Do take into account, you can never really return to the perfect past, you will find it easier, faster and more realistic to build an ideal now and future.


Some recommended links to start you on your better life.....


Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Grow yourself online in the privacy of your own home





Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.




pic courtesy pdpnet - mairani cuevas

In the pit of despair. Why are things so bad? I think I Hate myself, really.........

“Why do I hate myself?"

“I hate myself” is a critical inner voice that people of all ages struggle with.
You most likely don't hate yourself - maybe the activities that you do or not - that bring you to a certain situation, of seeming hopelessness.

Where then, do thoughts like these come from?  Probably negative early life experiences.

Harmful views directed at us by parents,a group of friends, or other people we expect care from, are internalized to some degree.
Just as their positive attitudes toward us may help us to develop self-esteem and confidence, their more critical attitudes can crush us.

There is no useful value now, in blaming others.(It gives all the power to them- and so far they've helped you here).

They may be at fault, yet no one is perfect. Nearly everyone learns from their parents. and they can face challenges when they have children, as they have learnt mostly from their own past. For example, if we had a parent who often acted like we were a nuisance, constantly quieting us or even just appearing tense in our presence, we may take on a feeling about ourselves that we are a bother.
Whereas in fact it usually the adults life issue- then or carried through from before.

“How does hating myself affect my daily life?”

We're probably treating it like a coach and listening to its destructive advice. Don't- it is the wrong coach for you!
When it repeatedly tells us we are worthless, we may choose friends and partners who treat us as if we are worthless.
When we listen to our inner critic, we give it power over our lives.We become a "negative nanny", or naysayer - (not a markedly successful life attitude).
If you want a better life, change.
We may even start to project these critical thoughts onto others. We  perceive the world through its negative filter, and question or criticize people who see us differently from how our voice sees us. Again it is what you have been told or taught by an authority.
 It’s been engrained in us since early childhood, and we therefore often struggle; it is now time to change.

The critical inner voice is like an internal coach negatively commentating on our lives, influencing how we behave and how we feel about ourselves.

It has been put there to try and undermine our goals, and accomplishments: 

-“Who do you think you are? You’ll never be successful!”
-“This won’t end well. Sooner or later you’re going to mess up.”
It’s there to sabotage our relationships:
-“She doesn’t really love you. You shouldn’t trust her.”
 It’s even there to criticize those close to us: 
-“Why does he even hang out with you?
There must be something wrong with him.”
 Finally, this voice can seem self-soothing, encouraging us to act in ways that are self-destructive, then  punishing us:
 -“Go ahead, have that second piece of cake. You’ve had a rough week you deserve it.”
 Later, there will be comments like: 
-“You’re such a fat loser. How could you ruin your diet again?”

We listen to this critical inner voice, and if we mistake it for our real point of view, and we can believe what it tells us about ourselves.

*****It is a method of control - used by authorities - parents as well. By causing our self doubt, they create in us a desire to fill their wishes. We may tell ourselves off, to prevent the pain of rejection from another: - unless you are doing something really bad - in which case change- others views are not important.***

A clone is not as respected or valued as a unique being. Be someone unique.

“What can I do to stop hating myself?” 

To stop our cycle of self-hatred and live free from our imagined limits, we must learn to challenge our inner critic, and over-ride it.
Writing down your common response to situations- and a new positive (possibility focused) answer is a super way.
Or notice an undesired pattern- stop mentally, and think what is a better way.

Here is a simple one to start with:- If you are in a vehicle, next time you are the one left at the red stop light waiting- think "great, I'm in front...I'm the first one"; not your usual negative or blaming thoughts.

Starting with one or two thoughts that become habits, will create, that way of thinking for you, and bring both peace, and good things/circumstances to your notice.

It is actually OK for you to sort your own beliefs, values and ideals - no matter what your current associates, or your upbringing says.- you are in that situation because of you, or their support.
 Think, and plan - How do you want to live your life? What do you want for your future?

 As we pursue this goal of becoming our true selves, life only improves, as we do, the self denigration gets weaker and we become ourselves.
In some life situations we do need to take mental, or even physical time out.

Rather than alcohol,THC, or other substances - seek like minded forward/possibility thinkers -in a group, in a book, or look at the growing parts of nature.

*********

The following fable from AEsop- will help bring some thoughts of possibility when things are more than challenging.

The Crow and the Pitcher 

 A Crow, half-dead with thirst, came upon a Pitcher which had once been full of water; but when the Crow put its beak into the mouth of the Pitcher he found that only very little water was left in it, and that he could not reach far enough down to get at it. He tried, and he tried, but at last had to give up in despair. Then a thought came to him, and he took a pebble and dropped it into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped it into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the Pitcher. Then he took another pebble and dropped that into the Pitcher. At last, at last, he saw the water mount up near him, and after casting in a few more pebbles he was able to quench his thirst and save his life. 

Little by little does the trick.





photo courtesy of pdpics-KenKistler

I've had enough why not give up ?

Never close down from life for too long, take some time out for sure- but move forward and learn from it. As the iceberg is, so are you, with the stable base.

You can do more than learn from negative experiences, you can use them to inspire you. Of course -we hope - that you did not overtly choose the negative choice, and if you did -was the reason for your benefit?

A Martyr without good thinking or values, is soon forgotten.


Think about the power of taking intense negative energy and using this energy positively.
If something bad happens, practice channeling this energy into something positive.
This is a massive advantage and something that will help you greatly.

How many times have you allowed something that later was not important, to affect you in a negative way?
Over-reacting to an insult?
Being not asked to that dinner or party?
If you were fired from a job, did you get depressed and withdraw?
If you searched for a job for a long time with no success, did you let your failure to find the ideal job get you down?
All of these responses are only natural sometimes.

Always best to treat life similarly to the four seasons of:- Summer >Autumn >Winter >Spring, and whatever joy and meaning you give to each- the most important thing is after thousands of years they still follow on from each other.

The following story about Michael Jordan relates his key to success, and the key to doing well in everything. Jordan is widely viewed as the best basketball player of all time, but when he tried out for his high school basketball team, he didn’t make it. He could have become depressed and stopped hanging around with the other high school basketball players. He could have given up on athletics and started doing something else, like spending his time with bad kids. He could have allowed himself to get fat and lazy. There are of things Jordan could have done when he failed to make the high school basketball team.


Jordan’s reaction was different. He started practicing more. He used his disappointment to propel him toward trying harder  and getting and better. After only two years of college basketball (he made his college team), Jordan became a professional player. The rest is history.

In an interview with Jordan years ago he was describing the secret to his success. In this interview he said when he is insulted by other people he allows these insults to just “build up,” and then he uses them as “jet fuel” for his next game. Anything bad that happens to him and any slight he receives he uses to make himself better at his game and give him passion.

That can be your choice too-no need to tell everyone about it, just go and start to do it. 


I am sure you are like most of us and bad things have happened to you. Your reaction is the key to whether you succeed or fail.
The worst thing you can do is allow someone or something negative push you down and keep you down.

Be like Michael Jordan- or choose another role model. Prove to yourself you can handle what people and life challenge you with.


 Abraham Lincoln’s story is one of the common told- and it is a fine example:-

1831 – Lost his job
1832 – Defeated in run for Illinois State Legislature
1833 – Failed in business
1834 – Elected to Illinois State Legislature (success)
1835 – Sweetheart died
1836 – Had nervous breakdown
1838 – Defeated in run for Illinois House Speaker
1843 – Defeated in run for nomination for U.S. Congress
1846 – Elected to U.S. Congress (success)
1848 – Lost re-nomination
1849 – Rejected for land officer position
1854 – Defeated in run for U.S. Senate
1856 – Defeated in run for nomination for vice president
1858 – Again defeated in run for U.S. Senate
1860 – Elected U.S. President (success)

Think about all of Lincoln’s failures- nearly 30 years of them. Many people would give up on life after a nervous breakdown. Lincoln kept going.
Persevere and decide for you, what is important.


For many people, a bad experience can become a filter for how they view their lives. They begin having an expectation in the future that other bad things will happen and begin to avoid situations where they believe these bad things will occur.

They also often begin associating with others who support them in their negative view of the world. complaining in forums and coffee groups. Been there, done that- it was great to know others had been through similar things; but they are still there- being important in their demeaning of self. Growth????

Think about negative groups of people you may know like this. Low achievers avoid situations where there has been some sort of pain before. They allow this pain to continue influencing them.

Children often close so many doors in their life by simply avoiding areas where they have been in pain before. Immature adults do the same thing.

Now some serious 'challenges' do happen, and it can take a long time to escape them- yet escape them you must; and rethink your position. As we've said before- beware of the hooks--there are thousands of ineffective support agencies out there. Use them like a crutch or a cast for a sprained ankle- for a short time.

 Instead, imagine the power you would have if you used something negative to change your life.

In medicine, pain is a neurological (nerve/sense/brain) feedback response to a blockage- think of the bruise after you kicked your toe or walked into something.
You will generally experience this pain; the pain you feel is actually a very good thing.It shows you that things are working up to that point.

 Experience the pain and then use this pain to change the blockage so things work better in the future. 

When you know that you can use negative energy in a positive way you will never have to be fearful of bad experiences because you will know these experiences will ultimately help you and not hurt you.


photo courtesy of www.PublicDomainFiles.com, by US Air Force