A Cult of just one! The covert abuser. - Protecting yourself against manipulation - Part 1 of 5.

The Cult of one.

Many people get involved in groups or relationships because of unresolved issues of the past. 
Which is only natural, as that is our primary learning method. A carryover of security seeking from our youth.
-----Often at times recreating a familiar, unresolved scene with newer characters later in life.

In this context - people who do this without much work and knowledge of the dynamics of manipulation, will be helpless to their natural inclinations and will possibly respond just as they did within the original settings.  

Time for that to change for you.

To escape the Influence, coercion, and manipulation.

Ignoring the many opportunists - particularly those we call criminals, who find ways of making themselves 'indispensable' during someone’s hour of need. Most people who find themselves in abusive situations will only occasionally get there by accident. 

• They either accepted or tolerated the behaviours
• the initial payoff was an ideal or necessity at the time 
• the promises of the future matched their dream or perceived ideal
• they had yet to learn the deceit of others
• they had yet to acknowledge their own equal rights - to themselves
• they have yet to learn how to communicate their needs without threatening the (immature) abuser
• they pretended to ignore or accept the excuses for the 'red flags.'

Cults can be large or small, and most generally have a guru that controls individuals or small groups of individuals. Sometimes a one-on-one manipulative relationship between two individuals shows all the same dynamics of a large cult.  Sadly, this can also occur when one leaves an abusive setting, be it work, religion, or relationship. When attempting to find support after leaving an abusive setting or circumstance, a person is very likely to encounter others who have the negative effects of abuse themselves. You must be careful to avoid getting caught up long term in a new cult relationship with other survivors, counselors, or other well-meaning people who do not have expertise in recovery from manipulation and abuse. Look for possibility people who are able to move forward without the emotions of fear/hate/anxiety.

A one-on-one cult is really a deliberately manipulative and exploitative intimate relationship between two persons, often involving abuse of the subordinate partner; commonly psychological, and emotional, many times physical - if not direct blows, health and stress induced trauma.

In the one-on-one cult, which we call a relationship, there is a significant power imbalance between the two participants. The stronger uses his (or her) influence to control, manipulate, abuse, and exploit the other.

The relationship may even be more intense than participation in a group cult since all the attention and abuse is focused on one person, often with more damaging consequences. Many marriages or domestic relationships where there is spousal abuse may be this way. If not, the habitual controller, will strip or demean the initially better person, so that they can have some power, - these people do leave clues -

• if their last partner committed suicide or developed nutritional health problems
• started drinking or started taking drugs or started gambling
• they've had a succession of people just up and leave them
• they talk badly about others
• they talk badly about their partner or previous life associates
• they favour their - particularly - horse, over people contact
• their children or parent/s are criminals

Do NOT get into a long term association with these people - they are repeat offenders, and you will never be safe. Quietly, and quickly fade away from their lives. Find someone else.

Other one-on-one cults may be found in bad boss/employee situations, in Christian churches, in therapist/client relationships, in prison officer/prisoner or interrogator/suspect situations, and in teacher/student environments.
Watch for the guru effect, especially from either;- a well presented, or poorly presented extreme.

The most common techniques used include - 

• isolation and the provocation of fear; 
• alternating kindness and threat to produce disequilibrium; 
• the induction of guilt, 
• or self-blame, 
• the creation of a dependency, 
• and enforced learned helplessness - as a way of survival.

The degree to which these features are present in a relationship affects the intensity of control and allows the relationship to be labeled one-sided or abusive.
 The similarities between 1- devotion, and 2- the traumatic bonding that occurs between battered individuals and their abusers are striking. 

An abused partner is usually made to, or influenced to submit to the following types of behaviors:

• early verbal and/or physical dominance
• sexual restriction as a tool, or sexual over domination
• isolation/imprisonment
• fear arousal and maintenance
• guilt induction expressions of love (for example - dependent on the number or frequency of chocolate bars given.)
• enforced loyalty to the controller
• promotion of powerlessness and helplessness
• expressions of jealousy
• hope-instilling behaviors
• required secrecy

 
The graphic below, shows their overall plan for you.

Some recommended links to start you on your easier life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book -"..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

 

 

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.

Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  

Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -








Assertiveness training,& stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

 

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

Manipulators use manipulation because it works - Resisting it. 9 Easy techniques to get your life back.

Fun or control?

To Resist or Leave? A good question.     When you feel like you are caught in a web of manipulation, your immediate goal is to stop being a compliant player in your controller's life game.
Whether this is a relationship, a nuisance neighbour, your supervisor, a government agency, Christian guru, work mates, or landlady, or a relative.

In the interests of your personal safety - you must be prepared. Do not be so vocal in your approach, as the other or others will quickly turn to violence, either physical or legal. Re-read The Miss Battles article, then come back here.

It is easy to win, as these people are always focused primarily on the short term - do think of them as a corrupt politician - and you will succeed.

Mostly their behaviour patterns come from a false sense of entitlement, combined with fears of maintaining or not their security - usually social image.
Once you are rested and in a better position, you can assist their change - whether it is as a payback or revenge, or a supportive repatterning.

The initial focus needs to be on you establishing some modicum of control over your life.

 There are two approaches to this goal: Resistance and/or Distance (either psychologically, or physical space, by leaving the relationship altogether).

A very easy, non threatening way is to insert a period of time between the manipulator’s request or demand and your response. Even a few minutes for a start - gives you a little power.
The 'graspers' of the world are not used to this, so have a valid excuse for a few minutes only first off. Then lengthen the gap as the days go on, and more requests come through.

Resist the urge to tell them off, or tell them to f*** off, as valid as that is - I've found it best to keep that until after you are safe, and away from them. As their social value as they perceive it - is their main Achilles heel - we can deal with them later, with that in mind.

Resistance

 

When you resist manipulative pressure successfully, you shift the power balance in the relationship. Most manipulators, are indeed passive/aggressive behaviour types. If not plain aggressive.
You are better than that, and you will pretend you are a resistance fighter in the war.  
Do not shoot them, or kill them - you will get in trouble - we have better ideas to resolve it - read on.
 Be aware that this shift in the power equation will alter the relationship and the behavior of both parties involved. Do not be afraid of this change, you'll get plenty of facial grimaces, poor verbalizations, cold shoulders etc...

You must keep your eye on the prize - you, and the value you have for society, and you. You can, and must re-claim your freedom, autonomy, self-respect, integrity, and self-esteem. These inconsequentials have tried to use you as a stepping stone to look good.

Since you are going to, and will, initiate the changes and will hold your ground, the manipulator can choose either to adapt to your lead (behaviour modification) - or else remain stuck in a strategy that no longer works, at least as far as the relationship with you is concerned.

And many manipulative personalities simply do not and will not change, apart from finding another fresh target....

For such individuals, manipulation of others is their SOP - standard operating plan - their perfect way of functioning. ..

Remember, manipulators use manipulation because it works.

 

Stop helping them, you are allowed to look after yourself.

 

Distance yourself.

There are worse consequences than leaving or losing a relationship altogether. Certainly losing yourself for years, in the fog of manipulation - losing sight of who you are and what you really value, need and believe is the worst thing - and indeed the precursor of many a depression.

Remaining a partner in this manipulation, diminishing your self-respect or integrity, and losing your self-esteem is absolutely not on - and the inconsequentials will have started this process from the beginning.

Finally – and this is important – if your willingness to be manipulated costs you a relationship, That may be a good thing here.

Nine easy ways to Resist Manipulation

1- Take a little time.

Once you start to build in time to think about your options, your sense of control will increase day by day. You are not asking permission, you are just finishing something for you first. Again, the graspers, entitled, and pseudo-rich will not be used to this, so start small.

2- The Broken Record

A brief why is good, though as a statement;- do not have a conversation with the manipulator about why you need time, or what you are going to think over.
Acknowledge that you hear and understand the manipulator, but repeat your statement of  "I'll be there in a minute/hour..." just like a broken record.

3- Desensitizing Anxiety, Fear and Guilt

These have been their weapons of control, and they will get worse as the intensity in their mind increases. Lay off the alcohol, THC, etc for yourself; - go for a walk, read a comic book, think of your new future.
To resist manipulation effectively, you must learn to tolerate these possibly foreign and uncomfortable feelings.

4- Security

Start to develop your independence - especially food choices, clothing, haircuts, and income or money.

5- Labeling the Manipulation

Educate yourself, read the Lazy lawyer article, and know what is really going on. Do shut your mouth though, confrontation when they feel entitled will not be in your best interests. They will lie, deceive, and poison etc etc.

6- Disabling the Manipulation

To disable a manipulation, you need to state that you understand the manipulator’s goal, but that the manipulative tactic she is choosing to use will not work to accomplish that goal, and we should to come up with a better plan.

7-Setting Your Terms

It is not all about pleasing them, as much as they are used to this. Respectfully, start to take a few minutes a day for your own sanity.

8- Compromising & Negotiating

A manipulator is only interested in serving her own interests and her own ends. Left to his or her own devices, she will never be looking out for what you need or desire. And they will say you have to compromise, while he or she has no intention of doing so. It is now time for you to stand up for yourself a little, and/or get in an authority in their world to tell them to give you some slack.

9- Plan your Future.

These people do change, it needs you and all others in their life to stop responding in the ways you have done before, and needs at least one or two major consecutive negative emotional catastrophes at the same time as you being strong.

Consequently, you are better off to limit your exposure to these people - and significantly distance yourself, while you develop your inner sense of self.


Important; - A partnership is a healthy co-operation on meeting each of your respective needs and preferences, having talked about it equitably beforehand.



Some recommended links to start you on your easier life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

 

 

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  






Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...


Become the best you can be with Mindmint







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

Why am I always the scapegoat ? Plans to deal with the bully in life - It is your world now.

A scapegoat, is one that someone else chooses to leave out in the cold, or being used to prevent a selected few's engagement with a reality.

 That someone else is usually inadequate in some way, and has learnt to use others as the shield from consequences.

Whether it is at work, in the family, or at a social event.

Many groups who use scapegoating are headed by narcissistic (self involved - look at me.... types) who lack an empathy for their target, as in their mind's eye, the target is there to serve their false image; as is anyone that they think will do that.

The real purpose of scapegoating is to allow the group to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain a myth, or an outward appearance of normal. To the aware observer – and possibly you, if you feel like the Scapegoat; – these groups seem crazy making and delusional. Which, in fact they are.- that is their mode of operations.

The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident. They are quickly selected, as they're usually either sensitive, vulnerable, possibly a little unhappy, ill, and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower.

 In other words, the scapegoat is the one who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created - who overtly or unconsciously knows there is something not quite right here. And appears easily the one to use - as a sacrifice for the evil belief invokers royal plan/s.

 Scapegoaters are insecure people driven to try and raise their own status by attempting to lower the status of their target


 How to Tell if it could be happening: 

• You are held responsible for problems, conflicts or challenges, even if they have nothing to do with you. Other people blame you for their actions. 

• You may end up feeling a shame for being ‘the bad guy’, and/or anger for being blamed. You are attacked and disbelieved if you tell the truth and ‘blow the whistle’ on negative and/or inappropriate behaviour. 

• There has been a history of one or more people being verbally, emotionally or physically abusive towards you. Others seem to accept or look the other way when you are bullied or aggressed against like this.Them standing afraid of it happening to them of course. (Sets a precedent of quasi-accepted behavior). You may feel like the ‘black sheep’, and you will be told of that in some form. 

• You find yourself repeatedly being accused of behavior the scapegoater is engaged in. For example, a family member yells at you, and then accuses you of being abusive, or being thoughtless- then you're told “all you care about is yourself”. Or someone at work, implies that you can't cope with the workload- when they are so busy themselves doing nothing of company value. 

• You act out at times, the negative ‘expectations’ of scapegoating such as not living up to your potential, or getting into relationships with abusive people because your self esteem is has been damaged. 

•  Being the mentally healthiest family member, but being accused of being sick, bad, etc. The accuser loves the importance of being a greater one. 

• Your achievements are belittled, minimized, criticized and rejected; others are always the best or better. 

• Resources are not allowed by you, especially when others are given them. At work, you are put on report, at home ignored, socially you are ignored or kept out of the activities. "What’s going on?"

Using families as an example -though it equally applies to work, or 'false friends.'

 Families that are shame or fear based are not healthy. Often you find evidence of abuse, neglect, addiction, betrayal, mental illness and insecurity. They find life threatening, and actively repress it through scapegoating those who want to understand and change the negative dynamics. Scapegoating is a “projection defense” that allows scapegoaters to keep up appearances.

In other words, by making the scapegoat look bad, it takes attention off the real problem be it a person or an activity. 



How Scapegoating Changes you.

 Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth. The major problem is that they suffer from an identity disturbance, as the target confuses the proposed idea that they are bad, with the truth. This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’, by an authority.

Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved. They can also fall into a 'Victim' role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life. Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family. They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.



Breaking Free From It All.

• Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as a Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth. In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent others from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change. 

•  Locate and trust your ‘Inner Being’ – you have been mistreated;- and start to build yourself up to no longer allow this abuse. it only needs to a quiet resolve initially. And is safer for you this way. 

•  Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you . You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings. 

• To change this you need to start standing up in your own mind, to the falsehoods presented. Get to know your true self. In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc. Write them down, even if you have to hide them, – you will need to be reminded of this alternate, which is the truth about you. 

•  Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you. And change your actions a little if it is honest and ethical. Change your physical posture a little - this will change how people view you.

•  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the victim role. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’. 

• Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends. They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable. 

• Keeping yourself safe = gently start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you. “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.” 

• Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people. The point is that you hear and respect yourself! 

• Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater/s. This may involve limited, no contact, or leaving those who are determined to continue to abuse you. Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed. Leaving is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone. 

Begin to internally love and appreciate yourself. You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective. Be patient as this false image gradually fades. 

Find your true self within - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be, and move forward.

  Recommended links to help you.....

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition 






Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.
 Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

 
Become the best you can be with Mindmint






Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.




 photo courtesy of Wikipedia commons - Daniel Voyager