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| The intensity of meeting the challenge. |
Usually a list,- written or not, either conscious, or seemingly unknown; of expectations brought forward from childhood, parental indoctrination, or mass-media.
Or in a similar mental haze, caused by a shared chemical - be it alcohol, or any of the current choices of fashion - or a physical lust followed pregnancy, and then abandonment fears.
Looking at it, what normally initially attracts people to one another, can be the very defenses that hold them back in life, rather than a mutual and proactive partnership that would be helpful.
Often in this dynamic, a couple becomes characterized in their behaviours and responses. For example, the shy, indecisive person who chooses a loud, dominant partner. Then the shy person retreats further, becoming more invisible in his or her life, while the more assertive partner takes control and directs their lives.
(The start of some domestic abuse here, unless there are rational discussions.)
Facing and challenging the defenses that leads you to choose the partners you do is the single most important task to breaking this pattern.
Changing how you interact with your partner, for instance, learning to negotiate more, if you are the “quiet one,” will begin to shift the dynamics in your relationship. The best setting for developing relationship skills and breaking defenses against love is in a relationship.
If you abandon ship, (which is the best option at times) - but, jump in to a new relationship without wanting to learn, your results may not be those you want.
Be careful, there are some relationships that just don’t work. Some couples actually have a toxic effect on each other, where the mental, and tellingly the physical health of the individuals involved deteriorates.
So, how can you tell when it’s time to move on? Up to you really.
However, there are some red flags to look out for;-
most importantly those that indicate that you or your partner are experiencing - an ongoing and seemingly inescapable - increase in psychological symptoms or a degradation in your ability to function.
These would be signs that it may be time to call it quits or, at the very least, to seek counseling or outside impartial guidance - if you can find it.
Here are some questions to ask yourself on your own to evaluate your situation-
- Is my relationship negatively affecting other areas of my life?
- Do I feel upset, on edge, and fragmented a lot of the time?
- Am I too distracted by my relationship to function in healthy ways?
- Do I rarely feel like myself anymore? Do I remember my own dreams for the future?
- Am I anxious or desperate toward my relationship partner? Either afraid or fearful of them, or losing them.
- Do I feel like there is something wrong with me that I am frantic to fix?
- Has my relationship impacted or hurt my friendships? Have I stopped seeing all my friends? Some friendships do change, some are not good for us; - yet not every single last one.
- Has it affected the way I parent (I’m distracted from caring for my children or I’m too reliant on them to meet my needs?), or even look after my pets.
- Do I feel chronically ashamed of myself? Or am I made to feel ashamed of my choices or beliefs.
- Do I feel down or hopeless about my life most of the time?
- Am I being abused without cause.- (hard one this- a joke every so often OK- anything else not)
- Has my physical health changed for the worse. Many times stressful relationships change your breathing and sleeping patterns -let alone your exercise and nutritional choices = cancers, strokes, dental, eyesight, the list goes on.
No human interaction is 100% perfect all the time, though you should be able to see more good than bad.
If you or your partner is experiencing this higher negative level of psychological distress, it is important to seek help if you wish, at least for yourselves.
The relationship needs to change, through distance, termination or renegotiation, unless some radical learning and change happens from both parties.
Another important thing is to ask yourself is, “How am I interacting with my partner most of the time?”
If your interactions with your partner are predominantly negative, it’s time to look at your behavior more closely.
The four most toxic behaviors between couples:
1. Criticism – are you blaming or attacking your partner? In front of them, internally, or especially to others.
2. Defensiveness – are you closed off to feedback from your partner?
3. Contempt – are you rolling your eyes, mocking or pushing your partner away?
4. Stonewalling – are you shutting down your partners conversations? or is your underlying tone and body language stand-offish or withdrawn?
Time for some immediate changes, if you have or are a partner like this.
Communication problems, gender role differences and infidelity are only symptoms, rather than the biggest predictors, of relationship breakups or divorce.
The truth is, you are sadly part of the equation, you must stop and redirect these negative behaviours at the first instance, for a reasonable chance at a serious relationship.
The solution isn’t necessarily to move on and find someone else, because, since we take our defenses with us, they will lead to the same troubles in a new relationship.
To challenge and change our defenses is work we alone have to do, and a mutually defined relationship is a great place to do it, and be within when it works.
Recommended links to help you.
Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.
*If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.see important note.
photo courtesy public domain
