Am I in the wrong relationship? You might be....

The intensity of meeting the challenge.

At times the outlook looks hopeless. And truly, some relationships are bad for both parties. Goodness knows how they even decided to start off together.

Usually a list,- written or not, either conscious, or seemingly unknown; of expectations brought forward from childhood, parental indoctrination, or mass-media.

Or in a similar mental haze, caused by a shared chemical - be it alcohol, or any of the current choices of fashion - or a physical lust followed pregnancy, and then abandonment fears.

Looking at it, what normally initially attracts people to one another, can be the very defenses that hold them back in life, rather than a mutual and proactive partnership that would be helpful.

Often in this dynamic, a couple becomes characterized in their behaviours and responses. For example, the shy, indecisive person who chooses a loud, dominant partner. Then the shy person retreats further, becoming more invisible in his or her life, while the more assertive partner takes control and directs their lives.
(The start of some domestic abuse here, unless there are rational discussions.)

Facing and challenging the defenses that leads you to choose the partners you do is the single most important task to breaking this pattern.

Changing how you interact with your partner, for instance, learning to negotiate more, if you are the “quiet one,” will begin to shift the dynamics in your relationship. The best setting for developing relationship skills and breaking defenses against love is in a relationship.
If you abandon ship, (which is the best option at times) -  but, jump in to a new relationship without wanting to learn, your results may not be those you want.

Be careful, there are some relationships that just don’t work. Some couples actually have a toxic effect on each other, where the mental, and tellingly the physical health of the individuals involved deteriorates.

So, how can you tell when it’s time to move on?  Up to you really.

However, there are some red flags to look out for;-
most importantly those that indicate that you or your partner are experiencing - an ongoing and seemingly inescapable - increase in psychological symptoms or a degradation in your ability to function.

These would be signs that it may be time to call it quits or, at the very least, to seek counseling or outside impartial guidance - if you can find it.


Here are some questions to ask yourself on your own to evaluate your situation-

•  Is my relationship negatively affecting other areas of my life?

• Do I feel upset, on edge, and fragmented a lot of the time?

• Am I too distracted by my relationship to function in healthy ways?

• Do I rarely feel like myself anymore? Do I remember my own dreams for the future?

• Am I anxious or desperate toward my relationship partner? Either afraid or fearful of them, or losing them.

• Do I feel like there is something wrong with me that I am frantic to fix?

•  Has my relationship impacted or hurt my friendships? Have I stopped seeing all my friends? Some friendships do change, some are not good for us; - yet not every single last one.

• Has it affected the way I parent (I’m distracted from caring for my children or I’m too reliant on them to meet my needs?), or even look after my pets.

•  Do I feel chronically ashamed of myself? Or am I made to feel ashamed of my choices or beliefs.

•  Do I feel down or hopeless about my life most of the time?

• Am I being abused without cause.- (hard one this- a joke every so often OK- anything else not)

• Has my physical health changed for the worse. Many times stressful relationships change your breathing and sleeping patterns -let alone your exercise and nutritional choices = cancers, strokes, dental, eyesight, the list goes on.

No human interaction is 100% perfect all the time, though you should be able to see more good than bad.


If you or your partner is experiencing this higher negative level of psychological distress, it is important to seek help if you wish, at least for yourselves.

The relationship needs to change, through distance, termination or renegotiation,  unless some radical learning and change happens from both parties.

Another important thing is to ask yourself is, “How am I interacting with my partner most of the time?”

If your interactions with your partner are predominantly negative, it’s time to look at your behavior more closely.

The four most toxic behaviors between couples:

1. Criticism – are you blaming or attacking your partner? In front of them, internally, or especially to others.

2. Defensiveness – are you closed off to feedback from your partner?

3. Contempt – are you rolling your eyes, mocking or pushing your partner away?

4. Stonewalling – are you shutting down your partners conversations? or is your underlying tone and body language stand-offish or withdrawn?

Time for some immediate changes, if you have or are a partner like this.

 Communication problems, gender role differences and infidelity are only symptoms, rather than the biggest predictors, of relationship breakups or divorce.

The truth is, you are sadly part of the equation, you must stop and redirect these negative behaviours at the first instance, for a reasonable chance at a serious relationship.

The solution isn’t necessarily to move on and find someone else, because, since we take our defenses with us, they will lead to the same troubles in a new relationship.

To challenge and change our defenses is work we alone have to do, and a mutually defined relationship is a great place to do it, and be within when it works.




Recommended links to help you.

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

*If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.see important note. 

photo courtesy public domain

All I Want Is Everything ! A woman's or a man's view of success?

Both, at times - it is neither right or wrong to desire. Only the sociopath in their different guises or covers could be considered immoral.

The general religious principles you are taught are - to do not steal- (take from, without a color of right)- one could argue powerful people, such as our most unfavorite politicians, or bankers don't follow this, and of course that may be true.

Thank goodness for the Ghandis, Nelson Mandela, and to a degree, Princess Diana of the UK.

They all had their own internal reasons for the way they acted- yet they may be a good example in a sea of oft mud.

Life, for all, seems to be of finding opportunity, making money, a flux of friendships, wanting love and or acceptance; and moving toward those who help, and hopefully staying away from those that will not or do not help.

 When you look at the most successful and the happiest people out there, you find that these people are helpers, always making an effort to contribute.
 In addition to doing this through physical actions, they communicate and appear to think positive messages about others.

Being a helper is about more than just the things you do. It involves your intent, your internalization's.

On the other hand, the non-helpers are always more concerned about their immediate needs and what others can do for them. They always make sure that their actions are calculated and that what they receive in return is a lot more than what they put out.

 The non-helpers give themselves away in conversation to you, by rationalizing negative actions toward others, being jealous and envious, and judging others, wanting to be significant themselves.

All symptoms of 'there is not enough in the world for me,' thinking.

Always good to be cautious of your reserves, not overtly withdrawing though.

Life does come down to a reciprocal reward system though.

The more of a helper you appear, the better you will do and the happier you will be in life.Think also of your own well-being.
All people have limits as to how much they are willing to give in life and in their work,in different areas=  and these limits are often tested.


A good book from the library was - 'All I Want Is Everything' by Marion Preminger, where she writes of  her husband, Albert Schweitzer; a missionary doctor in Africa. He says - "there are two kinds of people. There are helpers, and there are non-helpers. I thank God he allowed me to become a helper, and in helping, I found everything...” An altruistic story perhaps, yet it does indicate the different attitudes of success.

Preminger’s life story is instructive and inspirational. It documents a woman who moved from being a non-helper to a helper and describes how stunning this transformation was for her.

A brief synopsis of the story follows.

Marion was born in Hungary in a large castle. She was raised incredibly well, as an aristocrat, and had lots of  privileges that very few people could ever hope for or imagine.

While in Vienna at a ball, she met the handsome son of an Italian doctor, and they were married a short time later. The marriage lasted only about a year. She then returned to Vienna and shortly after, she met a director - Otto Preminger. The two of them got married and moved to the USA. Soon, Otto’s directing career took off and he became very famous and wealthy. Marion appeared to blossom in the role of a Hollywood socialite, and the couple became very well known in Hollywood.

The stress of this life became very difficult for Marion. She became addicted to drugs and alcohol. In addition, she gained a reputation for having had multiple affairs. Otto tired of this not so charmed behavior,  and after a time divorced her.  Marion tried to commit suicide on three separate occasions, obviously not happy with the way her life was going. She then left Hollywood and returned to Vienna.

When she was back in Vienna, she met a doctor, Albert Schweitzer. Schweitzer was known as a missionary, and he was on leave from his hospital in Africa. She first met him when he was playing an organ in a church. After meeting him, she spent all of her time with Schweitzer, before he returned to his work. When it was time for the doctor to return to Africa, Marion pleaded with him to take her with him, and he agreed.

For the rest of her life, the woman who had spent so many years living like a princess, became a nurse helper inside the hospital. She changed bedpans, bathed people, changed bandages, and helped care for lepers and other sick and diseased people.

Throughout most of Marion’s life, she had been taking from others and had been the constant center of attention. (Which reminds me of many of the wealthy, and pseudo-wealthy people in this country.)

When she moved to Africa, her entire focus was shifted toward helping others–those who had no ability whatsoever to reward her in any tangible way for her effort- 
and course this satisfied her needs of self importance - more so than perhaps her  previous unearned fame had.

Sharing requires that we get out of our comfort zone. It means that we do something for others.

When you are benefiting others, you do in time become a better person. People seek you out, or return to you in employment/business situations. They advance you as they feel that you value them.
It is best to feel and see others in a positive light–the same way you would want to see yourself.

People respect you, and if they give you a hint at not doing that; - you must exclude them from your life circle. 


To become a better you, follow the ideal of creating a greater value, it need not be in money - society will pay you well - if you proceed with some care (there will always be the takers. so be alert as well). Again desire is a good and noble attribute, (without the diminishment of others).




photo courtesy of openphoto.net by Miroslav Vajdić