Controlling Parents - are they all the same? Why can't I have my own life as an adult?

Our Lives are both unique and tied.

Controlling Parents – How Ever Do You Cope?!!  You only want to stop being manipulated by your mom and/or dad. Just an ordinary problem free relationship or visits must be possible. Many adult children who have controlling parents, think that.

To recognize the unease you have is a very positive step forward in your life.


There are lots of stories, where the 'controlled' children remained out their influencer's reach, and then succeeded remarkably well in their lives. As many millions of dollars, pounds, or francs have been made by the distancing practice as have the family support model. Interestingly enough, predominantly - the dollars/pounds - rather than other cultural upbringings.


To get started, let us assume, you are an adult trying to make your own way in the world- 


1- Let go of your need to please your parents. We do grow up seeking approval, affirmation, and love from our parents, and that really is OK. Even as grown children, we may want them to keep loving us, approving of us etc.,  and that is why it’s difficult to confront them, when we don’t want to disappoint or anger them.
A secret for coping with controlling parents – or any toxic person in your life – is to recognize your need to please them, and let go of it. Or, at the least, learn how to observe it all in the third person.


2-Learn to recognize emotional blackmail. This is one of the best ways to take your life back, - (from any abuser in fact) - and you have started by your questions.
If you have controlling parents, you may recognize that they disguise their criticism with jokes at your expense, or by pointedly saying how well another is doing - seeming to try to make you feel guilty for past behavior, or constantly make you feel bad about your life.
They don’t seem to want to let you live your life! Before confronting difficult parents, it’s important to recognize and learn to deal with emotional blackmail.


3-Separate emotion from an action plan. An action plan says, "I want a better life, better relationships. and I will have it for me." You might have to do something you don’t want to do;-  change a job you enjoy parts of, move to a different place, set and stay with your boundaries, develop some assertiveness, and stand up to other  members of the family. All good challenges for you to meet.
It is easy to take your life back, and it’s effective.
Put aside the emotions of "I’m scared/tired/frustrated/miserable," - you were taught these responses for your parents benefit.


4-Stop wishing your parents less controlling, or different. These controlling parents are yours, and if you’re still wishing they were different, that is a good start, yet won't help your reality to change. Don’t  give up hope for a better relationship with your parents, as an adult you now have a different one.  They may continue to be overbearing, difficult, and so on....but really you are now an adult, and you are free to distance yourself emotionally, physically, socially, and financially. Start a little today.


 5-Cut your financial ties to parents who want to control. Some parents use a supply or not of money to control you- which might be OK as a child, but instead of staying financially beholden, you might find ways to free herself and take your life back. A bank loan is definitely not ideal, yet if you are 200% sure it is worth it and you can pay the interest - fees - and - principal off - it could be worth the release - even if the money was originally a gift.
It’s not a 'gift' if it’s taking an emotional toll, and used as such. Or, if everyone agrees that the money isn’t owed (the mortgage help or baby food was a gift, for example), then sign something together, that states there is no money owing - and put it somewhere independently safe.This paper contractual evidence does help.



6- Services- If a big deal or drama is made over babysitting - usually- start a babysitting club with some trustworthy friends. If they are helping maintain your home, or lifestyle - get some friends around to do yours and the friends. Your parents must redefine their own lives. If a regular visit, or meal is a trial - leave the county, or country - and send lovely postcards or photos on that family day. Your mental health, and your overall well-being will remarkably improve.


7- Same house-/accommodation- Develop different hobbies, or at least something educational or creative, Udemy has plenty of good courses for in home study - that separates your life from theirs.
They will disapprove, that is their power and control technique - listen -empathize - and move on with your life.
Moving out may be a better option - they will complain - abuse - cry - gossip etc. etc.- you can allow them this; - again - observe in the third person -move on with your life. Then they can begin to move on with theirs.

Read - Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.

Then read or watch some harmless humour - and now begin to move forward in your life.


Are your parents toxic, and perhaps even destructive? A small percentage are, and they have a massive societal effect. Give up your expectations - it is your life, and you are allowed it. Assist them if you wish - that is fair enough - it helps them to feel as they have been acknowledged for the work in bringing you up. This is what most 'normal' parents are seeking.

 You must begin to 'rule' or take charge of your own life, it may be the healthiest thing you ever do for yourself.



Recommended links to help you...

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Or take an Assertiveness course. These will help you stand your ground without becoming aggressive or hostile.
If you feel physically intimidated by people, you might want to consider a self-defense course, or training books as well.



Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

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I'm lonely, - how do I get the Love others have? part 2 - be happy in your own self

Believe in your abilities and value yourself to succeed.

Part 2, of the simple 10 steps to go from lonely to being in love.

Step 2: Lovability is not a body thing

Society has long perpetuated the idea that appearances are crucial to relationships, and it will continue to do so while money is involved.

Each generation has promoted certain facial and body types as ideal.

The impression is that to be lovable, one must try to be as close as possible to that physical ideal.
It is promoted in nearly all public media, as the way to win friends and companions.

[Hint - advertisers pay the wages, expenses, and pleasures, of the media entities - so the more you think you need exactly this fashion of item to be acceptable; the more satiated they are.]

 The very world around you exposes the “proper body” thing as trickery. Why does that ugly man have so many friends? Why does the larger woman have a very active love life? How come the skinny one with the long/short hair is among the first invited to any party or event? Obviously, appearances are not everything, to everybody.

 The Secret:- In every case, one thing is that some people are comfortable “in their own skins”.
They are so comfortable with their physical appearance that they do not spend time trying to change it to be desirable. They do stay within the social norms of cleanliness, grooming etc. To focus on other things which are more important, is better; attention to being non-offensive is good. As is clothing yourself in styles and colours for your enjoyment.

Body type is not the final decider in the love stakes. Fat, thin, short, tall, dark, light, all have the natural ability to attract friends and companions.

The real key to friendship is an inner being. The attraction is a matter of who you are,- to yourself; not too much on how you look.

 The immediate thing is to get comfortable in your own skin. Look at yourself and accept that this is who you are right now. Realize that there are people who will be perfectly satisfied with you as you are right now. It happens for others all the time. It can and will happen for you.

Also, know that for every body type, there are people who find it attractive. There are people who like physical types other than those promoted by society. Somewhere, there are people who would find you alluring.

***One thing about appearances may have to change, no matter what type you may be. People respond best to a clean, neat appearance. You go far in making a good impression when you wear clean clothes and maintain a clean, fresh appearance. Do not minimize this. Many otherwise acceptable people have been shunned because they ignore person hygiene. Very often, they are so self-absorbed that they do not realize it.***

Even if you are attempting to change your body through diet, weight gain or exercise, realize that your body is just right for today. You do not have to wait until your reach your goal to enjoy being comfortable in your body. Even as a body changes, it is still alright for its time and place.
I promise you, it will change - whether you are 13, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60- or anywhere in between, nature has plans for you, (and for your detractors if they exist as well.)

1:

Twice a day meditation: Really easy one this:- Image yourself in a positive light. Think of your body. See it bathed in brilliance. Appreciate every curve and contour, each limb and joint and angle. Draw up a loving feeling for you body. Take your time (say more than 5 minutes) with this meditation. Emerge from your meditation feeling good about yourself.

2:

Journal or diary exercise: (You can get nice ones from Amazon if you want.) On a piece of paper, make two columns - and write down what you do not like about yourself right now - think carefully, this is mostly what you think - not someone said to you.

Only five to six things at the very most just now.- no more - and why you don't like them.

Next, on the opposite side of this page, write what are some of the things you could do to change - using what you have now.

Now turn the page over, and write down five to ten things you like about yourself, and next to each thing write a few words as to why. Spend no more than thirty minutes on this project.

When you finish the list, put it away in a very private place, and forget about it until next week.
You are now on your way.


3: 

Go back to yesterday’s exercise: Allow yourself half an hour for this revision.Take out this list.
Look over it and see which of the things you offer will match the things you seek in new friends.
Begin to consider which things are good enough, and which need improvement, and why.
Are there any qualities you need, or would like to develop? Write it all down, on this piece of paper or an attached sheet.
We will come back to this one tomorrow, as you see the progress as you improve and develop your strengths.

4:

Go to a different dating or singles website, than yesterday- a link is below of one - and observe without desire or criticism -how people focus on one side of the page of qualities or the other. Sign out - your journey continues.
(You don't need a dating site to find people - we are using them here as a safe observation tool to learn.)

Thought for the Day: I am comfortable in my body. 

It is the perfect body for me today.

 PS:-Note again how this also works for success in anything.


Part 3 tomorrow..


Recommend link to help you.





 



pic courtesy of publicdomainpics,net

Someone suggested self hypnosis - does it really work?

'Getting what you want in life'

When we think of hypnosis we often think of or remember the on stage shows of Derren Brown, Émile Coué de la Châtaigneraie, The Amazing Kreskin, - or the native witchdoctor and their spells.

Those all change peoples behaviour responses to the showman/shamans intonations or command.


When you see what is happening you can make the technique work easily - and do it for you to help you.

It is a simple 4 step system, with an invocation by someone in authority. In this case the authority of you is going to be you.

It's claimed to fix any health, love,weight, or money - any problem you have in fact. If you have a big problem- see your local licensed professional. 

What is does and will do - is change your response to triggers or events - if you have a good teacher.

You are better with a program without direct person contact initially, some therapists are in a guru mentality, and may take advantage of you.



One 4 step system (with a guarantee)
Step 1. CLEARING This is a hypnotic recording that allows the release of negative energy and influence in general. An  imagery used is that you are lying in a most pleasant stream of water. You are asked to conceptualize how you want to be.


Step 2. HYPNOSIS This recording will take you as deep into hypnosis as you want.
At the deepest level you are given hypnotic suggestions identical to the suggestions that relate to the other parts.

Step 3.  SUBLIMINAL
Brings growth into the suggestions (effective while you do other things).

Step 4. SLEEP LEARNING Continues the suggestions effect while you sleep;- the committment of action is the reinforcer here.


Other styles follow similar ways - and given time to experiment - you can even learn to do it for others.

Like everything, it is uncommon for bags of gold, or whatever you want to directly fall from the empty sky- you must move towards it or them with some activity, to make sure it works for you.

Having done years of sleep tapes alone, my advice would be a short sleep tape as you go to sleep--not the mass media TV-- and only a short one so your body can recover and rebuild while you sleep.
Then on awakening try for quietness -use that time for reading something helpful/inspiring or for your own thoughts.You may have to awake several minutes early.

Doing your self hypnosis exercises mid-morning, or mid-afternoon - while you can stay awake after,seems to have the fastest results.




Recommended links to help you now.



OR



Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  


   


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pic courtesy Keith Allison- flickr

Repairing self-belief - Breaking patterns or restoring self trust .....

The start of a new year to many is the start of a new page, a new blank slate that can be filled up in any way they want.

A new year will bring new choices, new opportunities and new adventures.

Thoughts are- “this year I am going to…..” with huge plans of immediate results.

Changes are planned in journals diaries and notepads throughout the world.

As life didn't really know about the new year, things still continue to arise, to stall, or reroute your planned story.

Your promises to yourself fall one by one to the wayside. And this year seems to become a new version of the one before.

And when you don’t do what you promise yourself, you begin to damage the relationship with yourself- as you would do if you promised someone else You damage your self-trust.

Of course if you voiced your goals to 'friends' and family, they'll take a great delight in holding you at a lower position -as it allows them to feel comfortable too.

Questioning yourself about the wrong will only keep yourself f in the place of weakness, of feeling at fault.

Instead of accepting it, – start asking different questions of yourself.

I grew up receiving the message that I was not that important. My feelings were invalidated and were discounted in action; this did cause some belief systems to develop that affected my self-care and self-love. Learning then, that I was not important led me to discounting myself.

This is a technique many an adult abuser uses as well, to maintain their control.

A while ago this led to putting myself and my needs last and to breaking agreements that I made with myself to appease others.

When I first noticed that I was doing this and that I didn’t actually trust myself because of it, my solution was to stop making agreements with myself.

That didn’t work out to be the best answer, because the message that I was giving myself was this: If I can’t keep agreements with myself I won’t agree to anything at all.

To change, you must start with small achievements, that fit your circumstances - come up with one per week, and apply it for 4 days, then a week, and then choose a new one to add to your repertoire - supply of your own life skills,

 a few examples to try:-

• I awoke 30 minutes/ 1 hour (whatever suits you) early today
• I got out of bed and ..... 30mins/1hour early etc
• I got to work 5/30 minutes early -that was easy
• I made $10/$100 more today/this week (profit)
• I walked/ran/cycled x miles/km today- rain or shine.
• I encouraged one unknown before person today 
• and so on.

The secret is to avoid communicating your plans/achievements until they are physically obvious as a routine, and to start small- no matter of your capabilities.

The starting with tangible choices allow you to measure your successes easily - this will naturally bring about feelings of 'I feel good- I feel amazing- I can do this' etc.

I seriously suggest to go back and read and do the Ben Franklins 13 Virtues on this site.
It will bring you nearly all the changes you desire in self growth.

The idea - is to change your preconditioned protective neural patterns. (in big words)

Develop in yourself a new patterned track or path way that you will easily and naturally revert to, similar to the philosophy of successful training programs.

If the army or other group can do it, with the variable quality upbringings of their conscripts - you will very easily succeed, given your desire for you. 




photo courtesy of public domain.net

It is my life now,not yours ! - thoughts on starting over

The most important thing we need to have is clarity about what we want to do with our life.

If we are not an emotional place that we are thriving in - have we really been honest in our initial self assessments. (I'll talk about abuse later.)

To have some power to create events that help us, we had better be open to some learning, from the right places.

Choose your teachers wisely, for the results you want, not what someone wants for you.

At this point, you are ready to move forward in your life - take note of the following ideas.

 Ask some simple questions of yourself - How do you want to live your life? Ten and twenty years from now, when you look back, what kind of life will you want to see? Even further, when you look back in your 80s or 90s, what kind of life would you like to see?

Forget the things for the moment, use the vision of how your life will be: - A very strong technique is to envision a group in your imagination, with you, say at the same table- talking about how it is, and how well it's been for you, all.

 Sadly, many people live according to what other people say to them or expect of them. Another month or year passes and a new item in their life, which is upgraded the next year  - and the cycle goes on.

When we have that clarity about our life, it is a lot easier. We don’t live according to what the trends are or what everyone is doing. We are aware of them, though let the trends work for us, not us to buy into them.

Develop a sense of what you accept in life, and allow only that in. In simple terms a diet has often been broken by one hamburger, or one bar of chocolate. A learning process, that I'm afraid -works for most people and animals.
Allow an accepted experience in, and it becomes acceptable if the walls/boundaries are not there.

Anger is one sign our boundaries have been invaded.Anger in itself is a healthy response to threats to ourselves, our identity, or abuse. Yet, many of us know the dire consequences we will face if we dare express that anger. To survive, some of us have become masters at repressing anger.

The anger itself is good- it is a signal- it is now up to you to use that signal to change things for the better.
Much as we might think opposing force is natural - it may not get you what you want long term.

Everybody tells us to leave, but neither is that the optimum answer. No one action will fit all situations.
Pick your heroes/mentors well, and even if they are not with you at the time, you would have asked yourself - how they would have dealt with the situation.

And go briefly back to the event in your mind later, and ask how can I do it better if it happens again - or what led to it, do I want to change that.

You can see again the advantage of knowing yourself. You do have to work within your regimes laws.

Evaluate yourself under the following, now - and then regularly - initially nightly, then weekly.

(It is from Benjamin Franklin's 13 Virtues - a long time ago - use it -it will guarantee your success- it has mine--you do need other stuff as well)

1.    Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2.    Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3.    Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
4.    Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5.    Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6.    Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
7.    Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8.    Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9.    Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10.    Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
11.     Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12.    Waste no time on sex as an  escape
13.    Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

The idea is to help us make an accurate assessment of our progress - to know when we do and when we don’t - need redirecting.


The idea isn’t to bludgeon ourselves with the abusive person’s favorite weapon:....  “you aren’t good enough.”


The consistent message  is that you are good enough, some modifications will make your live go in the direction you want.

We must consider our-self strong, courageous, and resilient, able to create our own reality in the savannah of life.

photo courtesy public domain

When does the dance start - a story about intention

Desire and action bringing rewards

 As she shyly stood there in the dress of her dreams, the hall echoed with the sounds of the dance band.

All the other boys and girls really looked like they were having fun.She felt alone, and began to wonder if it was the way she looked, or even the dream dress she and her mom had sewn together.

 She remembered how they laughed together, and how her mom had quietly shared how embarrassed that she had felt at her first dance.
She had felt so beautiful when she stood in front of the mirror at home. Now all her friends had left her, and were dancing with the boys.
What was wrong? I am clean-even the priest had complimented her as she walked past the church on the way to the dance hall, and all the boys heads turned as she walked in.

The song ended, and her friends came back and sat with her, chatting excitedly about their dance partners.She tried to join in, yet they didn't really seem to want to listen. She thought about it, and replayed the scene in her mind of the boys coming over to ask each girl for a dance. why didn't they choose me? especially when they all seemed to look at me in the beginning.
In a few more minutes the music would change, and another dance would  be.
"I'll pick a boy to dance me," she said aloud. There was a sudden silence as all the other girls stopped talking. Then they began to say-"you can't do that-it is never done like that-that's unfair-you will pick the best one-what about us":
She said-"you know I think you are right-but I'm going to try just to see how it goes"

She stood up, and walked across the room-half doubting herself. As she reached the group of boys they turned and looked- she said " I would like to dance with you".............

Act upon your desire with an intent of purpose-most are afraid of that.

Most people will be able to led with that as well - note the groups seeming fear of the beauty and her confidence.
They may never approach you, and often not the one you want may end up approaching you--You must relax and move forward with some confidence. She already had been given positive directives before the dance had started.



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Napoleon Hill's books - the bibles of success.


  
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