Controlling Parents - are they all the same? Why can't I have my own life as an adult?

Our Lives are both unique and tied.

Controlling Parents – How Ever Do You Cope?!!  You only want to stop being manipulated by your mom and/or dad. Just an ordinary problem free relationship or visits must be possible. Many adult children who have controlling parents, think that.

To recognize the unease you have is a very positive step forward in your life.


There are lots of stories, where the 'controlled' children remained out their influencer's reach, and then succeeded remarkably well in their lives. As many millions of dollars, pounds, or francs have been made by the distancing practice as have the family support model. Interestingly enough, predominantly - the dollars/pounds - rather than other cultural upbringings.


To get started, let us assume, you are an adult trying to make your own way in the world- 


1- Let go of your need to please your parents. We do grow up seeking approval, affirmation, and love from our parents, and that really is OK. Even as grown children, we may want them to keep loving us, approving of us etc.,  and that is why it’s difficult to confront them, when we don’t want to disappoint or anger them.
A secret for coping with controlling parents – or any toxic person in your life – is to recognize your need to please them, and let go of it. Or, at the least, learn how to observe it all in the third person.


2-Learn to recognize emotional blackmail. This is one of the best ways to take your life back, - (from any abuser in fact) - and you have started by your questions.
If you have controlling parents, you may recognize that they disguise their criticism with jokes at your expense, or by pointedly saying how well another is doing - seeming to try to make you feel guilty for past behavior, or constantly make you feel bad about your life.
They don’t seem to want to let you live your life! Before confronting difficult parents, it’s important to recognize and learn to deal with emotional blackmail.


3-Separate emotion from an action plan. An action plan says, "I want a better life, better relationships. and I will have it for me." You might have to do something you don’t want to do;-  change a job you enjoy parts of, move to a different place, set and stay with your boundaries, develop some assertiveness, and stand up to other  members of the family. All good challenges for you to meet.
It is easy to take your life back, and it’s effective.
Put aside the emotions of "I’m scared/tired/frustrated/miserable," - you were taught these responses for your parents benefit.


4-Stop wishing your parents less controlling, or different. These controlling parents are yours, and if you’re still wishing they were different, that is a good start, yet won't help your reality to change. Don’t  give up hope for a better relationship with your parents, as an adult you now have a different one.  They may continue to be overbearing, difficult, and so on....but really you are now an adult, and you are free to distance yourself emotionally, physically, socially, and financially. Start a little today.


 5-Cut your financial ties to parents who want to control. Some parents use a supply or not of money to control you- which might be OK as a child, but instead of staying financially beholden, you might find ways to free herself and take your life back. A bank loan is definitely not ideal, yet if you are 200% sure it is worth it and you can pay the interest - fees - and - principal off - it could be worth the release - even if the money was originally a gift.
It’s not a 'gift' if it’s taking an emotional toll, and used as such. Or, if everyone agrees that the money isn’t owed (the mortgage help or baby food was a gift, for example), then sign something together, that states there is no money owing - and put it somewhere independently safe.This paper contractual evidence does help.



6- Services- If a big deal or drama is made over babysitting - usually- start a babysitting club with some trustworthy friends. If they are helping maintain your home, or lifestyle - get some friends around to do yours and the friends. Your parents must redefine their own lives. If a regular visit, or meal is a trial - leave the county, or country - and send lovely postcards or photos on that family day. Your mental health, and your overall well-being will remarkably improve.


7- Same house-/accommodation- Develop different hobbies, or at least something educational or creative, Udemy has plenty of good courses for in home study - that separates your life from theirs.
They will disapprove, that is their power and control technique - listen -empathize - and move on with your life.
Moving out may be a better option - they will complain - abuse - cry - gossip etc. etc.- you can allow them this; - again - observe in the third person -move on with your life. Then they can begin to move on with theirs.

Read - Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.

Then read or watch some harmless humour - and now begin to move forward in your life.


Are your parents toxic, and perhaps even destructive? A small percentage are, and they have a massive societal effect. Give up your expectations - it is your life, and you are allowed it. Assist them if you wish - that is fair enough - it helps them to feel as they have been acknowledged for the work in bringing you up. This is what most 'normal' parents are seeking.

 You must begin to 'rule' or take charge of your own life, it may be the healthiest thing you ever do for yourself.



Recommended links to help you...

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Or take an Assertiveness course. These will help you stand your ground without becoming aggressive or hostile.
If you feel physically intimidated by people, you might want to consider a self-defense course, or training books as well.



Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

pic courtesy public domain

Poverty, the influence of others, or a self fulfilling thinking of scarcity?

Decisions of necessity

When you are poor you can be surrounded the by the bad decisions of people around you. Which in turn influences your evaluation of 'normalness'.

The financial decisions are for the moment,  patch ups, and covering yesterdays, last weeks or last months bills. Your attention is focused on solving the poverty issue, which means that you do function quite successfully - and this you must congratulate yourself for - because you consider the best use of your dollar.

One problem is that when you're so focused on this, you don't notice all the rest. So you're the best shopper possible but forget to pay the electric bill on time- and this in turn brings extra tariffs and unearned fines.

If you're shipwrecked on an island, most people do not think ahead for two months, just to what you'll eat, or where you will shelter today. It's not 100% a question of character - it's what you are aware that you have;- in skills, or resources. Poverty is to a large extent the reality, yet also your emotional state.

Most judge poor people, viewing them at worst as lazy, at best as suffering from deficient financial behavior.
We've gotten used to thinking that being poor is their fault: If they were smarter or more industrious they surely would have overcome their poverty. Which in many situations is true, as the habits of yesterday have accumulated to today,

However, the problems while in the bad situation, for many people are distracting and cause mistakes, especially without support in relearning, or advocating on their behalf - out of the containment of the bank sponsored government system. Men or woman, it makes no difference.

Given enough time, an appreciation of the realities of the system, a person will consider the future cautiously. He won't engage in the nonsense, and won't choose to borrow at high interest he can't afford.
But if you coerce him with strict deadlines and pressure him, he may do so.

• A poor person often has very little. In fact, not only isn't he helped, he gets harassed, taken advantage of, and routinely cheated. 

• I have a good lawyer, he has a lousy lawyer. 

• I have a good dentist or doctor, he has an alcoholic or a cocaine user for a professional.

• My bank gives me all the possibilities to choose from that he doesn't, and will be purposefully excluded from.  

It's not that the world just doesn't help the poor, it trips him up even further, assisted by the bullies attracted to their sheltered positions.

Again, one of the biggest problems the message the poor receive from the system, is that - you're poor because you're no good.

Not the truth, this is another instruction of control (invocation) of those who want to keep you subservient to them.

Besides the enormous pressures, the poor often find themselves criticized, especially if they dare buy anything that seems extravagant.

These mistakes aren't any different from anyone else's, but they occur more frequently due to the element of stress, or the desire to relieve that stress, and the implications are much greater.


The ability to take control, anticipate the future and plan for it seems beyond them.

In reality most of us are very talented creatures but we have a tendency to make mistakes, we must learn to change the way we lead ourselves to these mistakes.


  A secret:-people tend to behave passively rather than rationally.

People's default pattern is to adopt a position and maintain it, wanting to change something, or plan to change it, intend to change it - but they won't.  The status quo seems easier to live with.

It happens to people at all levels, the successful and clever ones too.

 People need a framework that helps them. You must build it yourself, your government or bank will only take from you for their benefit, not yours.

So to answer the leading question - poverty is both an influence - of association, and control.
And also the situations lead us or can lead us into short term not helpful decision making.

Apart from making and staying with a plan to get out of it's control and not re-involving ourselves in it's or the system's nonsense.

We must change our perception of ourselves - to that of a survivor, appreciating our new found skills, and awareness.

Recommended links to help you now

Napoleon Hill's books - the bibles of success.



Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-



Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

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Become the best you can be with Mindmint

A higher Awareness bringing you a better life.

The goat and the rose bush -- a story of human nature

Goats love just being themselves.

This is both a story of goats' behavior, and of human nature- read on to learn.

Goats are the most wonderful of creatures, intelligent, agile, investigative, and responsive.

 They love company, and with that security show an admirable attitude of independence.

Goats being goats, prefer foraging in places that are interesting, being attracted
 to the sights, scents, and activities of places people may be too.

Meaning your planted trees or gardens; they having watched you carefully tend these, they begin to think -'this might be good', and of course, you have tended these beauties just for them.

If they are in a fenced area, their primary mission in life is to seek the areas outside that fencing; if they notice a fenced area that they may not be allowed in, it is theirs to make their way into.
If they are tied up, there aim is to become released.


They will, watch for you, if you are in their sight and leave, they will seemingly casually make their way to your garden, and begin - and notably probably finish off the the parts they have pre-selected.
And a few more for measure, then they'll move away - as if to say -'It wasn't me.'
If you chose to sleep in a little longer, as the sun warms the ground, they will naturally use this time effectively.

Effective boundaries are really the only way to stop it; no matter how much they are educated of right and wrong, they still will pursue the rose -  and change the landscape as they desire.

How many lessons for you life can you see in this story?

There are positive attributes of always seeking, independence, persistence, awareness, looking out of standard boundaries, finishing what you started, - while you have the chance, giving the appearance of being cool/calm/collected, taking chances, appreciation of a value, and using your time wisely etc etc.

Of course there are negative aspects too. Choose the attitude/lense that you think will help you.


 Focus on building your self esteem by realistically identifying your good qualities - The goat does. 

Recommended links to help you.

Farm, Home, Yard & Garden Tools and Supplies from Farm and Home supply.

Pedigree Goat breeders software from zooeasy - the ultimate program for breeding and raising goats!

pic courtesy of publicdomainimages

I've had enough why not give up ?

Never close down from life for too long, take some time out for sure- but move forward and learn from it. As the iceberg is, so are you, with the stable base.

You can do more than learn from negative experiences, you can use them to inspire you. Of course -we hope - that you did not overtly choose the negative choice, and if you did -was the reason for your benefit?

A Martyr without good thinking or values, is soon forgotten.


Think about the power of taking intense negative energy and using this energy positively.
If something bad happens, practice channeling this energy into something positive.
This is a massive advantage and something that will help you greatly.

How many times have you allowed something that later was not important, to affect you in a negative way?
Over-reacting to an insult?
Being not asked to that dinner or party?
If you were fired from a job, did you get depressed and withdraw?
If you searched for a job for a long time with no success, did you let your failure to find the ideal job get you down?
All of these responses are only natural sometimes.

Always best to treat life similarly to the four seasons of:- Summer >Autumn >Winter >Spring, and whatever joy and meaning you give to each- the most important thing is after thousands of years they still follow on from each other.

The following story about Michael Jordan relates his key to success, and the key to doing well in everything. Jordan is widely viewed as the best basketball player of all time, but when he tried out for his high school basketball team, he didn’t make it. He could have become depressed and stopped hanging around with the other high school basketball players. He could have given up on athletics and started doing something else, like spending his time with bad kids. He could have allowed himself to get fat and lazy. There are of things Jordan could have done when he failed to make the high school basketball team.


Jordan’s reaction was different. He started practicing more. He used his disappointment to propel him toward trying harder  and getting and better. After only two years of college basketball (he made his college team), Jordan became a professional player. The rest is history.

In an interview with Jordan years ago he was describing the secret to his success. In this interview he said when he is insulted by other people he allows these insults to just “build up,” and then he uses them as “jet fuel” for his next game. Anything bad that happens to him and any slight he receives he uses to make himself better at his game and give him passion.

That can be your choice too-no need to tell everyone about it, just go and start to do it. 


I am sure you are like most of us and bad things have happened to you. Your reaction is the key to whether you succeed or fail.
The worst thing you can do is allow someone or something negative push you down and keep you down.

Be like Michael Jordan- or choose another role model. Prove to yourself you can handle what people and life challenge you with.


 Abraham Lincoln’s story is one of the common told- and it is a fine example:-

1831 – Lost his job
1832 – Defeated in run for Illinois State Legislature
1833 – Failed in business
1834 – Elected to Illinois State Legislature (success)
1835 – Sweetheart died
1836 – Had nervous breakdown
1838 – Defeated in run for Illinois House Speaker
1843 – Defeated in run for nomination for U.S. Congress
1846 – Elected to U.S. Congress (success)
1848 – Lost re-nomination
1849 – Rejected for land officer position
1854 – Defeated in run for U.S. Senate
1856 – Defeated in run for nomination for vice president
1858 – Again defeated in run for U.S. Senate
1860 – Elected U.S. President (success)

Think about all of Lincoln’s failures- nearly 30 years of them. Many people would give up on life after a nervous breakdown. Lincoln kept going.
Persevere and decide for you, what is important.


For many people, a bad experience can become a filter for how they view their lives. They begin having an expectation in the future that other bad things will happen and begin to avoid situations where they believe these bad things will occur.

They also often begin associating with others who support them in their negative view of the world. complaining in forums and coffee groups. Been there, done that- it was great to know others had been through similar things; but they are still there- being important in their demeaning of self. Growth????

Think about negative groups of people you may know like this. Low achievers avoid situations where there has been some sort of pain before. They allow this pain to continue influencing them.

Children often close so many doors in their life by simply avoiding areas where they have been in pain before. Immature adults do the same thing.

Now some serious 'challenges' do happen, and it can take a long time to escape them- yet escape them you must; and rethink your position. As we've said before- beware of the hooks--there are thousands of ineffective support agencies out there. Use them like a crutch or a cast for a sprained ankle- for a short time.

 Instead, imagine the power you would have if you used something negative to change your life.

In medicine, pain is a neurological (nerve/sense/brain) feedback response to a blockage- think of the bruise after you kicked your toe or walked into something.
You will generally experience this pain; the pain you feel is actually a very good thing.It shows you that things are working up to that point.

 Experience the pain and then use this pain to change the blockage so things work better in the future. 

When you know that you can use negative energy in a positive way you will never have to be fearful of bad experiences because you will know these experiences will ultimately help you and not hurt you.


photo courtesy of www.PublicDomainFiles.com, by US Air Force

Catching fish with strawberries?- attraction made easy.

Of course it is possible. I think Dale Carnegie, in his writings of 'How to Win Friends and Influence People,' used the story where he says he likes strawberry cake and cream, yet uses worms to catch fish.

Two messages here-

He is trying to get across that-1- you must use the desirable item/attractor to get the result you want.
The fish meaning christian provision.(food-goodness).


And-2- choose your attraction consciously.(being aware)

Now carp, and catfish will take strawberry enhanced bait- Do you want to catch them?

 Maybe other baits would work faster or better, for the result you want.

Sometimes the experience of those who have gone before us can be used to make our lives a little easier.

Beware of the hooks though.



pic courtesy of Public Domain Images

What do I do now? I'm lost.

Choosing life's new direction is important. Especially to you. It is always best long term to choose your own direction, rather than allow things or someone to choose it for you.

For survivals sake, we must sometimes do what we can at the time- to eat, and live. As we might struggle through this time, it can be easy to fall into the trap of giving all our energy to the problems, then relaxing with a substance or group that keeps us contained.

In our society we may be the wrong color, religion, race, or be tarred with a brush some else has held.

 Remember they held it-not you;- you may have just stood still long enough to be painted.

Move a little past this and begin to think how can add your own lifes desires to the day.


Suspend your reality for a while, and....

To discover your life’s mission, ask yourself:

 

 

What has always come naturally to me? What am I naturally good at? What would I like to   become good at? Why?

What do I really think is important in life (values)?Why?


 If I were absolutely free of any must-be and have-tos, and had to choose a single thing to do or create, which one would I choose the most?

What feeling makes me feel good about myself?

What were the most pleasurable moments in my life? What makes me smile? (What will make others smile = cash)

What activity makes me feel so good that I could do it all day long? 

What would other people pay for? 
 
What helps me overcome challenges and hardships?
(Develops a support 'system') 

What helpful and positive message would I like to send to the World?

What would matter the most at the end of my life to me?

What can I use right now to begin? 

Think of ways to begin with little money first off-as returns must exceed investments for survival. 

What is first step I can take towards the path of success I have created?

Remember - lost is being unsure where you are in that moment, an unsettling feeling of being not connected with a reality you want or desire.

You have the ability to change the way you see the world, and step by step change it for you. 

photo courtesy of www.PDPics.com