Defining Your Self Esteem or How to Change our Self-Image

Our life choices

Many of us were brought up with a form of brainwashing, by literally changing the structure of one’s brain, and creating strong neural pathways so that one thinks in a patterned way.

Picture a little child’s brain as a virgin jungle of trees and flowers.

When the child has a thought, it is like moving way through new territory, leaving behind a few footprints and a few broken twigs.

As he or she slowly matures, every time the same path  is taken, that faint path becomes a little more pronounced and easier to take, until it becomes a well-worn track, and eventually a road, and finally a regular highway, along which thoughts effortlessly zoom.

This is an analogy of what actually happens to the structure of one’s brain, while learning, and developing. The great tragedy, however, is that most of us have suffered unhealthy childhood brainwashing, brought on by immature parents and teachers, who were influenced themselves by the organizations determined to maintain their power.
Think of your un-favorite politician, or criminal banker, and how they influenced you - by whatever means possible - to maintain their lifestyle, until they were too gross in their behaviour.

It need not be as awful as direct abuse, more so a deceptive or one sided minimizing of your life value. While theirs is un-fairly maximized, as the notion of fairness is often applied in their favour - think of your telcos or internet providers 'fair use criteria.'

What feels true to us largely depends on what we have told ourselves over and over. If we have allowed years of programing our minds to accept something as truth, reaching the point where we accept the exact opposite as true takes a little maturity.

Each time we tell ourselves something, or accept as truth something someone else says about us, it is like putting a weight on one side of a balance.
  If at any time you  berate oneself with such putdowns as “I’m an idiot!” “I’m a useless waste of space!” “I can never do anything right!” “Everyone hates me!” or similar, be aware these are someone else's statements for you.
These are control and abusive mechanisms designed to limit you, and a possible true assessment of escape or the situation.
A standard KGB, prison, or female (especially) abusers - technique, to get you to meekly comply.

This degenerates into a deeply engrained habit, as strong and cruel as heroin addiction, and is designed as such.

Letting other people’s opinion – or whether they ever get around to expressing any good opinion they have of you – determine your self-esteem or your emotional well-being or your motivation, is on par with relinquishing control over your own life and destiny and signing it over to a snake or scorpion.

The difference is you can make new neural paths, and repair the damage easily. 

 

•  If you use an alias or nickname in emails, you might change it to something that builds your self-esteem. If you use nicknames or pet names with some of your friends, you might also seek a name that uplifts you.

• If you use computer passwords, you might say to yourself,  'I can do all things through Christ', while typing the first letter of each word. ICDATTC then becomes the new password.   If you are not a Christian, choose a Mnemonic (letters as a reminder of a phrase), that help you create the identity to help you.      Think of one now, and apply it - if you are really stuck - study some of Jim Rohn's works, and pick a quote to reuse for you.      No one negative could guess such an apparently random string of letters, and to remember it by rehearsing in your mind that positive declaration every time you use it is very very powerful.  

• Change your screensaver picture to some scenery in nature you would like to identify with - no words - this saves the attempted minimizing by 'the great unwashed'. Do the same for your phone, or pen, or bookmark.

• Perhaps you could put a little heart somewhere, or on your key ring, to remind you how much you are loved by God or the gods. Read the silver spoon post.

• If you are able to, dress a little better, better than normal, choose a new style or an accessory or two.  

• If possible clean your shoes or footwear daily, the psychology of this is very important  Kits from amazon.

• If is safe take a different physical path or roadway on your daily travels - it is often that the new environment, brings freshness to our perception.

• Choose a mentor, someone to copy their working habits -  whether it be your favourite entrepreneur a world away, or a successful aunt or distant cousin.

• Remember no one is perfect in every single aspect of life, and you can learn from the good and bad aspects of people to support your change for the better.

• Therefore, start to be pleasant to your daily contacts - be polite, and courteous- watch others and learn their techniques - be aware of the predators though.

• If you can manage caring for it - get a pet - one at a time, and involve yourself in its development as well. Pet ideas from amazon.

• Bring new people into your life, visit new online groups, begin and follow though on a new hobby. Hobby ideas from amazon. The previous associates you have, will either evolve with you, or leave; - freeing you up for a successful life. 

•  Hold your posture well. Learn Reiki, or the Alexander technique. Yoga is good - an older male teacher is best to get you started.

A few Christian verses for you

•     Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death . . .

•     Proverbs 18:7 A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul.

•     Matthew 12:36 But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every  careless word they have spoken.

•     Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple... 

Napoleon Hill's books - the bibles of success.

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Turn your computer into the ultimate meditation assistant.





Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  



Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...
Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Watch Out for the Past! It seems to be a never ending struggle of What next? or What now?

A spiral path to where?

Many people have an anticipation of -"What next! or What now!" or in colloquial terms  'Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop'.

This negative expectancy and fear of the future is built on their observations, accurate as they are,

 

And coming from a fear and belief that our lives seem to go from one struggle to another.

• This is a learnt reaction to parental, religious - particularly Christian - or an abuser's, manipulations.

Somehow we naturally seem to believe that the past is somehow true in the here and now. For example, it seems logical that if money was lost in an investment in the past, or a stupid mistake caused us to loose money in then, that is evidence that we are stupid and unlucky now.
Rather than evidence of a need to change out our internal dialogue, and our actions that led us to that place.

Most have been taught that we are vulnerable to doing something in the present or future that will replicate the losses of the past. And any manipulator will try and use this invocation to control us.

To be successful in adapting to the world, we must find a way to stop living through the past as a determinant of our present or future.

You have probably heard of the book 'The Power of Now' which says that living in the present moment is the best way to live.
This doesn’t mean you forget your past. Of course, you want the wisdom of your past without the pain and suffering of the past.
And this doesn’t just mean your past when you were a child, with  either its security or insecurities.

The idea here is to let go of the struggle and painful aspects of the memories of the past.

One of the best books to help is 'The Path of Least Resistance' by Robert Fritz - buy it and read it each year.

You can start this process as well, by tuning in to the uncomfortable feelings and saying to yourself, 'that was me then, I've learnt now that ......'

When you are in touch with and remain connected with your inner soul presence of love, light and goodness that lives in your core, you will find that natural laws will bring more goodness, love and peace to your life.

That may seem like a bold statement, but not when you realize that the only reason you wouldn’t have all goodness, love and peace is because you are in resistance to it at some level.

 

The Secret - Think about how your day and life, is one story connected to another story. 

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple... 

Napoleon Hill's books - the bibles of success.

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Turn your computer into the ultimate meditation assistant.





Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  



Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...
Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

The end of a relationship, from a woman's point of view

Who wants who in this relationship?

Do not be afraid to stand up for your rights to get this woman or man out of your life.

It really is OK to move on from people in the world.

Think that they were your associate or hoped for partner for that time in your life - now it is time for a new chapter.

Being diplomatic is the most positive solution, as it will allow the other party to think that it was under their control.

Psychically or psychologically the initiation of the problems was under their control - they may or may not be aware of that.

Diplomacy may not be 100% possible if you have not learnt some of those skills yet - Briefly it is directing someone on a path in a direction you have chosen - in this case away from you - allowing them to remain feeling good about themselves and their choices.

• Directness can work sometimes if both can see a value in the alternatives.

• Threats real or implied, sadly never seem to bring good, no matter how popular they are.

While standing up for your rights, the weaker thinking people (no matter what their costume or title - perhaps more especially so) will support your ex or soon to be ex-friend's take on the situation. Perhaps, or in fact more likely - wanting to be distributed some of the spoils - a sad reality in any western society.

Do be aware no one cares about your safety or life as much as you do, and you will be surprised how unimportant your life is, to some of the people whose advertised job it is to protect you. Their system is the their ultimate interest, not one individual in it.

The easiest, and most peaceful solution is for most people no contact, go and read the woodcutter post then come back here.

When you do remain in contact you continue to engage in a relationship on some level and are still affected by its triggers. Of course there are cases where 'no contact' is not possible due to the involvement of children, employment, or family.
This you can easily handle by separating the areas of contact, e.g. only talk about work, while you are at work, only talk about your shared children's activities while with your partner etc.

 Limit the ammunition you give anyone really, no other person in the world has the right to all of your psyche - if they complain about it - they are a manipulator - exclude them from your life-space quickly - unless they are your therapist with a signed confidentiality warrant (that you get the original of, and they keep a copy) they are up to NO good. Read are there any good people in the world.

No contact gives you the space and time to get some forward energy back into your life. It can be a challenge at first as you resist the urge to answer the phone, return an email or make that regular call.  It is a decision for your health and sanity, even when they have seemed like the only one in the world you trusted before.


Here are your rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship, just begin to do so.

2) It often involves shared possessions, think about what important item your other half would like to take from you - either remove it to safety now, or accept its loss.  Get separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason for her to contact you. If necessary use a third party that they respect.

3) Clean out your thinking and get rid of any thought triggers of especially pity - empathy or even sympathy from a distance is OK.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If she stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see her in public, wave, say hello, and avoid eye contact, then move away as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If she calls, don’t answer the phone. If she calls from an unidentified number and you hear her voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word.  If she is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. It may be worth a written documented complaint to the telco authorities.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block her emails and even consider having your own email address changed so she won’t have your information. Introduce a new policy at work of no personal emails - and ensure everyone follows it.

7) If you are on any mutual community websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access her web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on her. What she is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of hers.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with her at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him.
If you find mutual friends do not support your request you must never trust them again.
Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way.

9) If you work with her, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced financially to do business with her, keep all communication 100% business and don’t allow her to engage you in any other way.

10) If you have children with her you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. If you assume she or her friends are narcissistic, that will be the safest for you- they as people will often use the children as a way to get to you.
Your job, as should be hers, is to support the children especially emotionally as they grow- treat it as a job that you want to do -the adult relationship may have ended, yet the life purpose here is still important.


Once you have moved forward, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe she has changed.

People do change, and it is easy to do so, and against populist propaganda - it is easy to change others.
This is not a usual trend though, and in the case where you have needed to use the above techniques, the likelihood of any real change in the direction you want - is very small.

 Allow her the life path she is on, and move forward with yours.

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple...

  Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (buy and read them all!)

 

 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Turn your computer into the ultimate meditation assistant.




Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  



Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...
Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.


 

How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationship, or saying I'm not good enough.

As a Maiden making your own way in the world

The feeling of "not good enough" to be friends, lovers, or business partners with certain people, is common.
Feeling insecure, you might both enter and end many promising relationships because of your perceptions or yourself. Or how you have been trained as a child, by parents with their own issues.

Many a time walking away, rather than risking rejection is how we might deal with it. And 70 % of the time that is the right thing to do - as we are not ready for what is offered to us, or we indeed have picked up on an undercurrent of dis-ease.

A lot of time the one we had chosen, had in fact chosen us, as an easy target to get their own way.

And will use our hint of insecurity to maintain their dominance.

So do be very aware, there are some faulty people in the world, no matter male or female; - generally an either self-professed authority, or preening type person is a great indicator, these must be kept as a short term, or no contact.
 Their hidden issues and inner voids, are too much for the normal person to fill, and sadly they will turn to abuse, if they can't get all they want - so you must avoid them.

As a metaphor, view and question your mind as they may be a beautiful house built over a toxic waste site, with loose soil; looks good and appealing to all, but has inherent, and damaging to you, problems.

  On a positive note though - not everyone is like this, you are in fact seeking to align yourself with the 10% of more than OK people in the world.
And not sabotage your own happiness, and good future.  
To set yourself up for success in a relationship is the secret, and if you’re actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to…

1. Stop trying to read their minds.

The process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid way to feelings of insecurity and stress. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t.

The challenge with this is;

 1- you are devaluing the others individuality - most will 'intuitively' pick up on this, and leave -
 and
2- you are trying to control the world through only your experiences

Note- Sometimes silence is good, don’t assume so quickly that their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.  Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind.  Say what you actually mean and be tactfully truthful about what you say.  Do give the people in your life the information they need, in the area you hope to trust them in.
Constantly asking, "What are you thinking?" can also provoke a person to withdraw in some form from a relationship. Read on.....

2. Stop looking for perfect relationships.

To be seeking the right lover and the right friends is a good and valid aim, though if you expect them to be perfect in every way, they may not live up to your fantasy of perfection in every way.
That is because we are all imperfect in some way.  You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you attract relationships with people who may have complementary ways.
If you are looking for the ideal, it is better to be ideal for yourself and look for people who balance you out.

3. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.

Simply because some were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships may be kind and supportive.
If you do carry old behaviours from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart for you before.

 

4. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.

Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage.  Too often we could be following a parental or religious invocation, and living out their life - (the previous control persons) - not ours.
The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. And many drivers do need re-training - it is much better to train someone with positive guidance, than with continuous nagging or power/control behaviours.

5. Stop focusing on the negatives.

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it mightn't always be. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.  
Be careful of your 'friends' and families influence here. Many a dis-affected child has gone on in adulthood to diminish and destroy other peoples good relationships, due to their own insecurities - if these are your associates, think of yourself first, and limit your contact with them - it is now the time to leave that swamp for free and clear ground.


Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept everyone into your life who is willing to accept you. Nor does it give you permission to compromise your values. It does mean that if there are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you can choose to work through them for your own growth at least.

No meaningful relationship seems to  work perfectly all the time.  Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship is not going to help you, as is solely focusing your life on the relationship.  There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good - particularly in you.  

Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships.   
What you are best to do, is look for signs of what is working, and encourage and enhance those.

Recommended links to help you now...Choose one...

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Grow yourself online in the privacy of your own home





Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  


   

pic courtesy of bare maidens

Why wont you Accept Me? Don't be so hard on Yourself.......

Accepted in the world?

Many have asked that question in usually difficult times. Do not allow another to attempt control of you like this.

Most likely we are challenging the rules the other person or group, has in their own mind for their world.

As an emerging adult, we easily see through the unreality of the world, yet no one seems to appreciate our views on it all.


To conform, without disrupting the status quo - (does leave some people at the top, doesn't it?) - seems be that which is forced upon us.
It does make your life easier to seem as if you are a patterned being - not so far as a clone though.

Even more important than presenting yourself in a manner others find attractive, is to accept yourself. From this almost invincible foundation, you can conquer the world.

If you find yourself adopting a non-accepting attitude towards things you do or don't do, or thinking self-critical thoughts;

1- write down privately exactly what that or those thoughts are
2- then re-write them as - I remember that 'X' said I was - note that this is probably the reality.
3- now go through the easy exercises below,
and create and write down a balancing thought to change the world as you see it.

Accept yourself:

Don't be too hard on yourself. What would you say to yourself if you were being a little more forgiving towards yourself? Write this down as your balancing thought and say it to yourself.

Counsel yourself as if you were a good friend:

What would you say to a friend in your situation or what would a good friend say to you? And about you. Write this down as your balancing thought.

Constructive approach:

If you were asked to say what positives might come out of the situation or what you can learn from it, what would you say? We can even learn from undesired situations - as we must really do so to make things better for us. Write these comments down as your balancing thought.

Explore alternatives:

What alternative ways are there, of looking at the things that are leading you to jump to negative conclusions about yourself? Your negative judgement about yourself  could be more balanced or moderate. Write this down as your balancing thought.

Prepare for the worst:

Imagine that the worst were to happen - it won't - Though to be ready with a couple of plans to deal with those contingencies is the mark of success.Write down your asssessment of seriousness and of how you could react or deal with that eventuality as your balancing thought.

Try to focus on something else:

Is it really worth expending all your emotional and mental energy over this issue? Now you have plans in place, you are relieved from the circular or unproductive thoughts that may be affecting your self-belief and feelings of self-worth.And you can focus on creating a better world for yourself.

Recommended links to help you now......

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.

Napoleon Hill's books - the bibles of success.

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Develop a millionaire mindset easily and quickly with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  


   

Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...



pic courtesy of pixbay

Is Holding on being brave? Or is it Time to Let Go? Finding the strength.

Let them into my life space?

On occasion letting go and moving on is what makes some of us stronger and happier. We can often look back and say we shouldn't have, or should have not let that pass. And introspection and revising is good, if it helps us respond to new or new/old events in a better way.

When it comes to people relationships we can, yet shouldn't accommodate them at our expense. Not money or wealth, even though that occurs, but emotional and/or psychological health.

You generally know, or are developing your own life path - and yes it does need to be a better one often. Take care, if you are an adult - you are the one who ultimately chooses or allows situations to occur.


Read on to help.....

1) Someone expects you to be someone you’re not. – Don’t change who you are specifically for someone else.  It’s OK to change if you see the long-term value in being better, yet if someone is dictating you to change to please them alone - it is wise to consider if they have a valid point.
Or is it coming from a fear within them? And where does it end. Sounds like the indicators of control and abuse.

2) A person’s actions don’t match their words. –Don’t listen to what people say so much to you- even though that is important. Watch how they talk about others, or groups of others, and watch what they do. If someone is consistently inconsistent and their actions don’t match up with their words, it’s time to let them go. True friendship is a promise of some mutual trust, this seems to show the opposite.

3) You catch yourself forcing someone to love you. – We shouldn’t beg, deceive, or manipulate someone to stay when they may want to leave. To truly live is the beginning of an understanding that love sometimes leaves for a reason, but never leaves without a lesson to be learnt.


4) An intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction. – Being beautiful is good, being good inside is even better.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever. Your body does change - guaranteed. But the good people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you. It’s about being who you are and living your life honestly, with a consideration for others.

5) Someone continuously breaks your trust. – This does get tiring after a while, most of us prefer the security of an approximate prediction. It is best when someone has the chance to hurt you, but they choose not to.  Don't be so naive to completely trust a person, without any doubt, you may not like the result. Involve them in the decision making, and they will reciprocate giving you a trustworthy result.

6) Someone continuously overlooks your worth. – Know your worth! When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of you that you’ll never get back. If they are so wound up in themselves, they always will be - you have to let go and stop chasing them. Save it for some sheep - and you will need to learn skills of attraction there too.


7) You are never given a chance to speak your mind. – Sometimes a settled discussion saves a relationship, whereas silence breaks it.  Speak up from your heart, with reasonable tact, aiming in the direction you wish to be heading. Life is about being honest with an appreciation of the others point of references, and sharing your happiness with them.


8) You are frequently forced to sacrifice your happiness. – Frequently is the word here, know when to consider your own desires and needs as well. If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you are being a martyr- not a great career of life choice. People wake up to them pretty quickly, and most avoid them for safety's sake.


9) You truly dislike your current situation, routine, job, etc. – It’s better to acknowledge you need to change, rather than going through an unlived life. Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of going after yours. Move in your desired life direction, and learn from your situation, and your choices.



10) You catch yourself obsessing over, and living in, the past. – What matters most is not the first, but the ongoing chapters of your life, which you unveil as you make your story happen.
If you are in such a bad place for yourself that the past is the ideal. It would be best to leave the current situation, while you rebuild yourself.
Do take into account, you can never really return to the perfect past, you will find it easier, faster and more realistic to build an ideal now and future.


Some recommended links to start you on your better life.....


Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Grow yourself online in the privacy of your own home





Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.




pic courtesy pdpnet - mairani cuevas