Defining Your Self Esteem or How to Change our Self-Image

Our life choices

Many of us were brought up with a form of brainwashing, by literally changing the structure of one’s brain, and creating strong neural pathways so that one thinks in a patterned way.

Picture a little child’s brain as a virgin jungle of trees and flowers.

When the child has a thought, it is like moving way through new territory, leaving behind a few footprints and a few broken twigs.

As he or she slowly matures, every time the same path  is taken, that faint path becomes a little more pronounced and easier to take, until it becomes a well-worn track, and eventually a road, and finally a regular highway, along which thoughts effortlessly zoom.

This is an analogy of what actually happens to the structure of one’s brain, while learning, and developing. The great tragedy, however, is that most of us have suffered unhealthy childhood brainwashing, brought on by immature parents and teachers, who were influenced themselves by the organizations determined to maintain their power.
Think of your un-favorite politician, or criminal banker, and how they influenced you - by whatever means possible - to maintain their lifestyle, until they were too gross in their behaviour.

It need not be as awful as direct abuse, more so a deceptive or one sided minimizing of your life value. While theirs is un-fairly maximized, as the notion of fairness is often applied in their favour - think of your telcos or internet providers 'fair use criteria.'

What feels true to us largely depends on what we have told ourselves over and over. If we have allowed years of programing our minds to accept something as truth, reaching the point where we accept the exact opposite as true takes a little maturity.

Each time we tell ourselves something, or accept as truth something someone else says about us, it is like putting a weight on one side of a balance.
  If at any time you  berate oneself with such putdowns as “I’m an idiot!” “I’m a useless waste of space!” “I can never do anything right!” “Everyone hates me!” or similar, be aware these are someone else's statements for you.
These are control and abusive mechanisms designed to limit you, and a possible true assessment of escape or the situation.
A standard KGB, prison, or female (especially) abusers - technique, to get you to meekly comply.

This degenerates into a deeply engrained habit, as strong and cruel as heroin addiction, and is designed as such.

Letting other people’s opinion – or whether they ever get around to expressing any good opinion they have of you – determine your self-esteem or your emotional well-being or your motivation, is on par with relinquishing control over your own life and destiny and signing it over to a snake or scorpion.

The difference is you can make new neural paths, and repair the damage easily. 

 

•  If you use an alias or nickname in emails, you might change it to something that builds your self-esteem. If you use nicknames or pet names with some of your friends, you might also seek a name that uplifts you.

• If you use computer passwords, you might say to yourself,  'I can do all things through Christ', while typing the first letter of each word. ICDATTC then becomes the new password.   If you are not a Christian, choose a Mnemonic (letters as a reminder of a phrase), that help you create the identity to help you.      Think of one now, and apply it - if you are really stuck - study some of Jim Rohn's works, and pick a quote to reuse for you.      No one negative could guess such an apparently random string of letters, and to remember it by rehearsing in your mind that positive declaration every time you use it is very very powerful.  

• Change your screensaver picture to some scenery in nature you would like to identify with - no words - this saves the attempted minimizing by 'the great unwashed'. Do the same for your phone, or pen, or bookmark.

• Perhaps you could put a little heart somewhere, or on your key ring, to remind you how much you are loved by God or the gods. Read the silver spoon post.

• If you are able to, dress a little better, better than normal, choose a new style or an accessory or two.  

• If possible clean your shoes or footwear daily, the psychology of this is very important  Kits from amazon.

• If is safe take a different physical path or roadway on your daily travels - it is often that the new environment, brings freshness to our perception.

• Choose a mentor, someone to copy their working habits -  whether it be your favourite entrepreneur a world away, or a successful aunt or distant cousin.

• Remember no one is perfect in every single aspect of life, and you can learn from the good and bad aspects of people to support your change for the better.

• Therefore, start to be pleasant to your daily contacts - be polite, and courteous- watch others and learn their techniques - be aware of the predators though.

• If you can manage caring for it - get a pet - one at a time, and involve yourself in its development as well. Pet ideas from amazon.

• Bring new people into your life, visit new online groups, begin and follow though on a new hobby. Hobby ideas from amazon. The previous associates you have, will either evolve with you, or leave; - freeing you up for a successful life. 

•  Hold your posture well. Learn Reiki, or the Alexander technique. Yoga is good - an older male teacher is best to get you started.

A few Christian verses for you

•     Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death . . .

•     Proverbs 18:7 A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul.

•     Matthew 12:36 But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every  careless word they have spoken.

•     Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple... 

Napoleon Hill's books - the bibles of success.

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Turn your computer into the ultimate meditation assistant.





Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  



Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...
Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Watch Out for the Past! It seems to be a never ending struggle of What next? or What now?

A spiral path to where?

Many people have an anticipation of -"What next! or What now!" or in colloquial terms  'Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop'.

This negative expectancy and fear of the future is built on their observations, accurate as they are,

 

And coming from a fear and belief that our lives seem to go from one struggle to another.

• This is a learnt reaction to parental, religious - particularly Christian - or an abuser's, manipulations.

Somehow we naturally seem to believe that the past is somehow true in the here and now. For example, it seems logical that if money was lost in an investment in the past, or a stupid mistake caused us to loose money in then, that is evidence that we are stupid and unlucky now.
Rather than evidence of a need to change out our internal dialogue, and our actions that led us to that place.

Most have been taught that we are vulnerable to doing something in the present or future that will replicate the losses of the past. And any manipulator will try and use this invocation to control us.

To be successful in adapting to the world, we must find a way to stop living through the past as a determinant of our present or future.

You have probably heard of the book 'The Power of Now' which says that living in the present moment is the best way to live.
This doesn’t mean you forget your past. Of course, you want the wisdom of your past without the pain and suffering of the past.
And this doesn’t just mean your past when you were a child, with  either its security or insecurities.

The idea here is to let go of the struggle and painful aspects of the memories of the past.

One of the best books to help is 'The Path of Least Resistance' by Robert Fritz - buy it and read it each year.

You can start this process as well, by tuning in to the uncomfortable feelings and saying to yourself, 'that was me then, I've learnt now that ......'

When you are in touch with and remain connected with your inner soul presence of love, light and goodness that lives in your core, you will find that natural laws will bring more goodness, love and peace to your life.

That may seem like a bold statement, but not when you realize that the only reason you wouldn’t have all goodness, love and peace is because you are in resistance to it at some level.

 

The Secret - Think about how your day and life, is one story connected to another story. 

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple... 

Napoleon Hill's books - the bibles of success.

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Turn your computer into the ultimate meditation assistant.





Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  



Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...
Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

How do you become gullible and why? And how can you tell if you are? Can it be fixed?

Accepting the status quo?

Being gullible generally requires some sort of action/response, such as handing money to a scammer, or being conned to donate time to another's cause or mission.

So, really it is being manipulated - generally by emotion - to give up something of value for something of little (particularly future) value.

These organizations, or people - exploit the gullible, by taking advantage of victims, and their lack of awareness in that situation. Whether it is your most un-favorite politician, a panhandler, or 'narcissist,' or the lawyer exploiting you.
It can best be described as giving trust when one should not have, or misplaced trust, not just once, but repeatedly. Always giving some unearned advancement of assets to the manipulator.

 
Gullibility in itself is somewhat amusing game for the observers. And the manipulator's ego thrives on this -them often being a 'damaged child' or 'lost soul' -- of course this is a prime indicator of someone to avoid in life.

What Damage Can Gullibility Cause? 

While many argue that it is harmless for people to believe whatever they want, as it is indeed their freedom to do so, the problem is gullibility or on the other hand, manipulative or exploitative behaviour, is never limited just a few beliefs, but rather is a pervasive pattern in that person's life, including politics and social interactions, and that affects other people, and the world as a whole.

Gullibility and health
People make decisions about health based on their beliefs, not always their own health, but those of their relatives and children. Belief in mainstream medicine often prevents that person from taking actions to prevent disease. As a belief in a fashionable diet trend, or anti-authority position leads them down a path to the nearest guru - whose self importance is his or her total aim. While beliefs are good, to be swayed by a singular and exclusive trend, is not of help to you.

Gullibility and Finance
While most financial opportunities simply have the gullible victim willingly handing over money, one particular type of scam apart from the standard banking system, does stand out;- the pyramid scheme.
A pyramid scheme takes advantage of gullible people by turning them into associates to recruit even more victims. Instead of the scammer defrauding dozens of people personally, they find two gullible people to pay and join up, convince them each to find two more gullible people to pay and join up, and repeat for as long as it lasts.
This is no different than your bank or share-market, apart from the fact is is unregulated, and more likely for the originators or their affiliates to take your assets or cash and leave you without.

Gullibility and Religion
Are religious people more gullible? The evidence is very clear, there are signs that religious people have a 'positive' bias, in that they believe fellow members will not be out to hurt them, regardless of the facts. Scammers often take advantage of this by pulling an 'affinity scam', where they join the church or the administration, to get close to the pastor and/or members in order to abuse them later.
NOTE: Affinity scam can be used on any sort of group, from religion to community to race to professional organization, even love relationships.

What Causes Gullibility? A few components:

1. Situation -- victim was influenced by social situation, such as 'friends.'
2. Cognition -- victim does not recognize the danger signs of a con man/woman or a standard manipulative plan.
3. Personality -- victim is susceptible to belief invocations.
4. State --incapacitated in some way, to make rational decisions
5. Seeking or desiring of something for nothing, or 'lazy.'
6. Expects or hopes the worlds comes to them.

Cognitive Tricks Scammers Use

Scammers use a variety of tricks to influence your thinking / cognition. Many of them involve logical fallacies, and others involve misdirection, half-truths or outright lies. Something like a deceptive lawyer or realtor.  Here are a few you need to be aware of (this list is NOT meant to be a comprehensive list).

Priming the Pump
Fundraisers, auctioneers, realtors, internet gurus, and scammers, all use this trick: when you put an offer in front of people, few if any will volunteer to be first. Those who are between yes and no often will want to see someone else go first, put their money in, THEN they will join the crowd and jump in.
These manipulators know this too, and they often have friends as 'shills', who pretend to be one of the normal, and start to buy up whatever it is the influencers are selling. And are reimbursed or favoured in some way. This is often enough to allow the seduced people to be deceived with the courage that 'it must be OK, look these normal people are doing it.'

Dominant Personality
People are swayed by dominant personality, and that is a fact. Just because a group agreed with a decision doesn't mean the decision was actually MADE by the whole group. Many use this by presenting in a seminar where they are actively pushing this idea upon you, the passive audience. When they are sufficiently fast-talking nobody will be asking questions, as they push the right emotional triggers and dominate your decision making abilities.


Claim Authority
By presenting oneself as the authority on the issue (no matter the validity of this claim) one automatically gains some sort of recognition, as if others are recognizing that if one is willing to put oneself in front of the group, one must have conviction about whatever it is he or she is pushing.
Lawyers, immature marketers, corrupt politicians, and scammers often take advantage of this by hiring fake experts or have the experts present a one sided perception of the events, as this is what they are paid to do.

How to Fight Gullibility

Following are things you can do to reduce your own gullibility, by exerting control over the factors named earlier.

• Always consider the Long-Term -- The manipulator has, and is. You must think this too. 

• You do not have to nice to everyone--Even at best, only 50% of people have the skills to obtain what they want without theft or manipulation - It is perfectly OK to avoid or not converse with these people.

• Record-- Take notes in front of your abuser, or manipulator - or use your phone or a recording device to record the interaction. 'To go over, or review later to make sure I understand'... or....'for training purposes.'    Mostly they have the right to a copy, yet you have the right to make them pay full legal pay rates before you release the copy. Don't tell them this, just 'I can get a copy to you later if you want - just send me a note if you need it.' Then reply with an account stating 'thank you for your request of xx - $xxxx-- copy sent upon receipt of cleared nonrefundable funds in full. Do please allow x days from receipt of payment'
• Have your interactions in front of a CCTV camera you hold the key for - if it is on your private property - (and you have generic signage obvious) your footage is yours. Do remind them as they leave, to only ever come back if you ask them to.

• Avoid Temptation -- if you know you're vulnerable to certain situations, don't go there. Much like breaking an addiction habit, you must avoid situations where you're forced into making decisions that you will regret later.

• Time Out -- refuse to commit to one side or another, play a little confused if you have to - go home and think about it. Do NOT make impulsive decisions. This also works when you are exhausted, either emotionally or physically and thus not capable of making proper decisions.

• Counter-attack -- instead of being pushed (such as high-pressure sales pitch), you push back, by countering with a question (what exactly did you call me for?), ask for a quick summary (You have 60 seconds) - then do not listen to it- put the phone down, meditate, or look past them focusing on a far away point; or interruption ( 'gee - just get to the point'), and so on. Instead of them pushing you, you push them. This disrupts their 'script' and puts them on the defensive.

• Escape clause -- find a way to get away, get out, avoid having to make a decision before you have gathered all the information to satisfy you.

• Sanity Check -- bring a friend, a relative, a trusted minister or rabbi; - Do make sure you bring someone who is 'wiser' and calmer than you are. Go back to the record or take notes for later plan.

• Critical Thinking -- learn what is critical thinking, preferably as early as possible, This would also cover logical fallacies (i.e. how to make something that seem logical but isn't) so you can spot those being used on you.

• Healthy Skepticism -- not cynicism, but understanding the source of the information, what bias it may contain, and how much of it is real raw information, and how much of it is "spin" and "opinion". Just because a scientist, religious person, or salesperson says so doesn't make it so, unless there is evidence.

• General Education --Learn for yourself the techniques the manipulators use- so you can avoid them.  
• Learn the legislation or rules, the other party operates with - Udemy online is a good place to learn from- and the loopholes they prefer. 
• Ask for the rules/acts, an authentic offerer will allow you full access, 'What are the 10 most common?' is a great question, followed by, 'hang on - I'll just write them down'; - or if you are buying something, ask 'what is the most common reason for return for this year? last year? why? how exactly is this one different? What exactly does the warranty/guarantee cover? Let's have a look at it -the written version - shall we?'

The Ultimate questions-- 

• Will this help me or my life long term? 

• What am I going to get out of all this as we go along? 

• Can I afford the cost of the time and or money out of my life? -- I do only live once.

"I know one thing: that I know nothing." - Socrates

 Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple...

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Turn your computer into the ultimate meditation assistant.

Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  



Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...
Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

To create a feeling of self confidence when I feel so insecure sometimes

Stuck in the mud?

We are called the narcissistic generation. And for many attention seeking people that is a very accurate label. We discuss narcissism here as an ordinary perception - not the strict clinical sense.

Technology, social media, the related proliferation of non-essential degrees, and jobs- are giving us an inflated sense of self.

Some individuals, more than others, consider themselves above all of humanity, and indeed the next television talent quest winner. Be it the X-Factor, or Stars in Their Eyes - all as seen on a new big screen TV from amazon.

Most of us don’t walk around self-promoting ourselves to that amount, or even feeling like we are all that great.

There, for some, is an emotion that shapes our self-image and influences our behavior, and that is a learned insecurity.

Even in the narcissistic toads, you’re likely to find concerns of insecurity fueling their life.

The most common self-critical thought some people have told themselves, is that they are different – not in a positive sense, but in some negative, alienating way.

Whether our self-esteem is high or low, one thing is clear; we are a generation that avoids self scrutiny, or at least acting to change ourselves for the better.

Over half the women of today. say they experience hurtful, self-critical thoughts on a weekly basis.
Perhaps an attempt to be accepted by their immature 'friends', or indeed thinking that they want it all,- and to measure up to the current film idol, means they will be handed it all without effort.

To be fair, this thinking has been seen in all ages of history - particularly in 'western' influenced culture.
Men, are not a lot different, possibly more action orientated, and using events or alcohol to fit in with their group.

By understanding where this insecurity comes from, why we might put ourselves down, and how this perception affects us, we can start to change and overcome that inner critic.

What causes this insecurity? 

There is an internal talk, or question and answer response -  critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us.

As we grow up, it becomes a sadly reassuring  pattern of destructive thoughts, toward ourselves and others.

The experiences we have with our influential early caretakers be it parents, teachers, or some other authority we expected - rightly so - a level of care from; can be at the root of our insecurity as adults. Both negative and unrealistic positive interactions can be damaging to a child’s development and self-esteem.

The reason for it is that we must feel seen for who we are in order to feel secure. Regardless of our age, or situation. The authority gives us a loss of a sense of being able, or prevents us from exploring our actual abilities.
Harmful, and abusive as adults, - unhelpful and irresponsible care-giving/teaching/parenting if children are involved.

A healthy attitude if you're parents, is to see yourself and the children realistically, and to treat both with acceptance and compassion. Good parents can support their children, and guide them in their choices, letting them if it's not too unsafe or damaging to work it out with help, not control. To more so encourage exploration, and activities. that appeal to the child’s interest, and not just the parent. or their own desires from the past or present.
This helps a child establish a sense of self-worth. Which equips them for a real world.

Old feelings or invocations - that we are incompetent or that we will never be acknowledged or appreciated are not the most help for us.

   
Insecurity in Relationships

There are many ways our critical inner voice can creep into our romantic lives. Relationships, can stir up past hurts and experiences, and some people do seem to try and make us feel bad for their own sense of power.

Leave these ones,as quietly and quickly as you can, and let them follow their own path. There are 17 billion other people in the world - and some of them are pretty good.


How do you overcome this insecurity you have?

Firstly - someone in your formative stages of life knowingly or not, used it as a control tool against you.

Whether it was a 'trusted' authority person, or one your 'friends' acting out and projecting their insecurities onto you to alleviate their own pain.

So to fit in, be accepted, or lead a peace filled life, you listened to them, and took it onboard for you.

Knowing this, and that there is a better way, work through the following five exercises

Day1

The first step is seeing your self-critical thoughts in the second person. Go ahead and write down these thoughts. You are not going to show anyone, and will destroy the paper at the end of the week!
Instead of writing "I am so dumb. What is the matter with me? I will never be successful," you write as if it was someone else; e.g. "You are so stupid. You will never be successful."

This process helps you to separate from these thoughts, by seeing them as external, instead of your own real point of view. They might bring up underlying feelings from the past, which can be useful.
We are going to get rid of this list soon.

Day 2

On the second day, you can start to think  about the ideas and reactions you have to writing down these mean thoughts. Do they remind you of anyone or anything from your past?
Allow yourself to feel some compassion for the controlling person, but more so for yourself - and know and reject these attitudes as ' just who you are'.

Day 3

You  now answer back to your negative thoughts, expressing your real point of view. You write down rational and realistic statements about how you really are. Take some time over this one. Do respond to your attacks the way you like a good  friend to,- using compassion and kindness.

Day 4

Note on another sheet of paper the way you think there may be a connection between how these 'voice attacks' are influencing your present-day behaviors.
How do they affect you at work? With your partner? As a parent? In your personal ambitions? Do they undermine you? What comments or events trigger the insecurity? What areas of your life is this insecurity most influential?
Even as a millionaire, those questions are still asked.

Day 5

The final step, for now, is to change the questions we ask ourselves - in response to our life triggers we've noticed.
We go through all of our week's notes, summarise the areas to work on first, then start with a small step or two, and keep going.
Throw away the papers with the bad stuff on it -shred it by hand is best. If insecurity is keeping you from asking someone on a date or going after a promotion, it’s time to learn how to do it, so it works for you.

All of your insecurities aren’t likely to disappear overnight, but a few will have gone by now,- and with practice the others will weaken, and fade out of your life. Whenever you notice a negative thought, don’t indulge in its direction, think of your new you, and your desired results.

A key thought is self-compassion,- self- acceptance really. As opposed to it being all about self-esteem. Self-esteem is important, and focuses on evaluation and performance, where as self-acceptance, allows us to grow from where we are now.

To tell yourself, that you are different – not in some negative alienating way, but in a positive sense.

This is the key to real self-confidence, and leaving those old insecurities behind you.

Recommended links to help you now

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-

 

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

photo courtesy of pdp net - WEYENBERGH JACKY

Am I in the wrong relationship? You might be....

The intensity of meeting the challenge.

At times the outlook looks hopeless. And truly, some relationships are bad for both parties. Goodness knows how they even decided to start off together.

Usually a list,- written or not, either conscious, or seemingly unknown; of expectations brought forward from childhood, parental indoctrination, or mass-media.

Or in a similar mental haze, caused by a shared chemical - be it alcohol, or any of the current choices of fashion - or a physical lust followed pregnancy, and then abandonment fears.

Looking at it, what normally initially attracts people to one another, can be the very defenses that hold them back in life, rather than a mutual and proactive partnership that would be helpful.

Often in this dynamic, a couple becomes characterized in their behaviours and responses. For example, the shy, indecisive person who chooses a loud, dominant partner. Then the shy person retreats further, becoming more invisible in his or her life, while the more assertive partner takes control and directs their lives.
(The start of some domestic abuse here, unless there are rational discussions.)

Facing and challenging the defenses that leads you to choose the partners you do is the single most important task to breaking this pattern.

Changing how you interact with your partner, for instance, learning to negotiate more, if you are the “quiet one,” will begin to shift the dynamics in your relationship. The best setting for developing relationship skills and breaking defenses against love is in a relationship.
If you abandon ship, (which is the best option at times) -  but, jump in to a new relationship without wanting to learn, your results may not be those you want.

Be careful, there are some relationships that just don’t work. Some couples actually have a toxic effect on each other, where the mental, and tellingly the physical health of the individuals involved deteriorates.

So, how can you tell when it’s time to move on?  Up to you really.

However, there are some red flags to look out for;-
most importantly those that indicate that you or your partner are experiencing - an ongoing and seemingly inescapable - increase in psychological symptoms or a degradation in your ability to function.

These would be signs that it may be time to call it quits or, at the very least, to seek counseling or outside impartial guidance - if you can find it.


Here are some questions to ask yourself on your own to evaluate your situation-

•  Is my relationship negatively affecting other areas of my life?

• Do I feel upset, on edge, and fragmented a lot of the time?

• Am I too distracted by my relationship to function in healthy ways?

• Do I rarely feel like myself anymore? Do I remember my own dreams for the future?

• Am I anxious or desperate toward my relationship partner? Either afraid or fearful of them, or losing them.

• Do I feel like there is something wrong with me that I am frantic to fix?

•  Has my relationship impacted or hurt my friendships? Have I stopped seeing all my friends? Some friendships do change, some are not good for us; - yet not every single last one.

• Has it affected the way I parent (I’m distracted from caring for my children or I’m too reliant on them to meet my needs?), or even look after my pets.

•  Do I feel chronically ashamed of myself? Or am I made to feel ashamed of my choices or beliefs.

•  Do I feel down or hopeless about my life most of the time?

• Am I being abused without cause.- (hard one this- a joke every so often OK- anything else not)

• Has my physical health changed for the worse. Many times stressful relationships change your breathing and sleeping patterns -let alone your exercise and nutritional choices = cancers, strokes, dental, eyesight, the list goes on.

No human interaction is 100% perfect all the time, though you should be able to see more good than bad.


If you or your partner is experiencing this higher negative level of psychological distress, it is important to seek help if you wish, at least for yourselves.

The relationship needs to change, through distance, termination or renegotiation,  unless some radical learning and change happens from both parties.

Another important thing is to ask yourself is, “How am I interacting with my partner most of the time?”

If your interactions with your partner are predominantly negative, it’s time to look at your behavior more closely.

The four most toxic behaviors between couples:

1. Criticism – are you blaming or attacking your partner? In front of them, internally, or especially to others.

2. Defensiveness – are you closed off to feedback from your partner?

3. Contempt – are you rolling your eyes, mocking or pushing your partner away?

4. Stonewalling – are you shutting down your partners conversations? or is your underlying tone and body language stand-offish or withdrawn?

Time for some immediate changes, if you have or are a partner like this.

 Communication problems, gender role differences and infidelity are only symptoms, rather than the biggest predictors, of relationship breakups or divorce.

The truth is, you are sadly part of the equation, you must stop and redirect these negative behaviours at the first instance, for a reasonable chance at a serious relationship.

The solution isn’t necessarily to move on and find someone else, because, since we take our defenses with us, they will lead to the same troubles in a new relationship.

To challenge and change our defenses is work we alone have to do, and a mutually defined relationship is a great place to do it, and be within when it works.




Recommended links to help you.

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

*If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.see important note. 

photo courtesy public domain

Struggling to get out of bed - All want to be is normal, or at least a normal life.

As the sun rises over the hills so do we.

Struggling to get out of bed every day—but you can’t make yourself do it.

You hide underneath the covers, avoiding life. All you need to do is turn off your alarm, get up, and go on with the day. Instead, you either let the alarm go on until it sounds no more, or you turn it off in a burst of energy, glad of the temporary relief. Wondering why you even set it, some duty perhaps. 

All you want to be is normal. To live without the difficult and huge emotions, and definitely without the downward spirals. The thought of waking up, over and over again, to a never-ending cycle of anger, hurt, and pain. Eventually, life seems to overwhelm, and thoughts come of it being time to end it.
As tempting as it is, you must know you have been intimidated- nicely or not- into that thinking situation. Someone is taking or getting advantage of you or your lower feelings - it is up to you not to give them that satisfaction, of you being where you are.

Part of what makes depression so depressing, is the crushing weight of pessimism holding you under. Nothing will work out, and everything is pointless;- pessimism makes it easy to believe that, as it seems the truth that we do have some control or prediction of, and offers a semblance of power.
What a terrible way to live life. Or to hide behind alcohol, or some drugs to numb the anger of it all, and the pain of feeling.
Involving yourself with bad people (you know, the kind you hope your kids never meet) makes you feel strong. (Not a good plan.)

On the flip side, an optimistic life is about believing in the best, through the worst.

Neither idea or attitude being the sole answer. It is best to use that subconscious anger to move yourself in a positive direction.

Depression stems from life choices/responses, and environment, not chemical imbalances alone. Fix the choices, fix the environment, and you’ll start to fix the depression.

The neuro chemicals are very important - get some regular activity going, or watch or read some harmless comedy - even a child's, for a start.

Do consider your nutrition and do something to improve it - some foods do have a negative effect.
Clean water, without masses of chlorine in it, (let it sit in a lightly covered glass container in a clean place for 10 minutes) , is infinitely better than soda pop or the cola drinks.(they do have chemicals in them, which are not good long term).  Or get a Water for Life USA water Ionizer - it works like your smart-phone.
Seriously - buy fresh and clean food, if you can afford it - buy, or go halves in a juicer,from amazon online, and have 1 -3 glasses a day, with your new nutrition program.

You have a choice to make: Let life and others lead you; or you lead your own life.
Reread that last line.

It’s a struggle to stay positive, and pessimism desperately wants to be in control. Your negative alter-ego is always ready to get on your shoulder, to whisper in your ear, "Isn’t life unfair?" And some people do knowingly and unknowingly help.

The thing is, life can be unfair. There are some bad people in the world. Life does get much easier, and happier, when you learn how to overcome negative events, and develop your possibility responses.

Useful ways to live life positively:

 

1. Replace the following phrases:

"Why me?," "Isn’t that just my bad luck," "It would only happen to me," and, "I just can’t catch a break." Words that make you a victim also make you a pessimist. A victim is someone else's pawn.
Stop using that thinking, and explore a feeling and questioning of wonderment and possibility.

 

2. Flip the switch off negativity.

The news, television shows, and the funny but mean viral videos, or denigrating comedians. Most consumer television or films actually. Turn off the radio, and now choose carefully music without words. Watch olden day comedies, or a modern day inspiration; - Les Brown is a good one. Negativity is an insidious disease, and it spreads through seemingly harmless mediums. The popular media is designed to unsettle you, and push you in a predetermined direction: - not yours.
Turn it off, now!, and select something better, there always is.

 

3. Refuse to be the misery promoter's companion.

Gently, but firmly, tell your partner/father/mother/family/neighbour/best friend/colleague etc., that you can’t follow their way just now. You want to explore some alternative ideas, and study them - this keeps you busy away from them, and is a legitimate excuse for you and them. Udemy online is a good place to start something new. Create at least an emotional distance from difficult people, they do have their own path.
You must avoid them, until you are stronger,- do make new friends, even temporarily, or find or care for a pet. Which pet books from Amazon.

 

4. Turn a disappointment around.

When you’ve had a disappointment or failure, go ahead and finish something else (anything). Complete a task that’s been on your to-do list, then another.
This will point you in a more positive, mindful direction, as you have now succeeded at something you have chosen. Then another one, and so on- choose small if needed- you are not after medals just now.

 

5. Be thankful for even the small stuff.

Be thankful you woke up, appreciate nature - good or bad. Thank your house, for providing warmth and walls. Thank your car or truck, for continuing to start. Thank your job, even though you might hate it, because it keeps you clothed and fed.
Slowly keep achieving more, but get in the habit of acknowledging life’s little achievements.

 

6. Make someone smile.

Compliment a shop assistant on their outfit, hold the door open with a smile for someone, or volunteer to help someone out of your normal circle. (Do take care to avoid the vultures though).


7. Get some paper or a journal.

Write a focus page or two of how your perfect life would be - only consider what you have control over (to have the perfect person or asset in your life is good - start to think about what can you change to get this to happen and then keep it) -soon after, draft some new ideas, and plans - then little by little put them to work, adapting as you go along. You can get nice ones from Amazon if you want. Keep it private.

Rewrite your history- it plays a huge role in how you view your life. You need not just accept life; you do have permission to intentionally live it.


Every Day seek the Good Life:

When you have work, home, and life, just maintaining the status quo is hard work. You say to yourself that there’s no time left to work on you. But maybe that’s an excuse. Didn't that thinking lead you to here? 
There must be a better way, mustn't there? There is; - go back and reread the whole post, taking notes, applying it to your life.

• You have to make time to find some good.
• You have to fight for your light at the end of the tunnel.
• Enjoy even part of today. And then more.
• At the end of the day, it’s about you and who you are in the world.
• It’s about turning off the negativity, whether it flows from your mind, your partner, or your TV.
• It’s about saying no to pessimism, and over-optimism, and yes to possibility.

Our ancestors had it right when they proposed that we:-

Turn your face toward the sun and all the shadows will fall behind you.

Recommended links to help you now


Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you.



Become the best you can be with Mindmint







*If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.see important note. 



pic courtesy of pdp net

Why am I being Stifled and stymied ? What is up with them?

Something you often find is that there are some people in the world whose business is to make your life and circumstances, whatever they may be, seem much worse than they are.

 In fact, in your day-to-day life, some days it can be, how  come am I surrounded by people whose personal interests are in making me feel bad about myself and my world?

Again- this a technique of control - used to try and prevent your growth.

Or seeing through their facade, of usually inadequacy.

 Your success and ability to get on with your life, will in large part be determined by your ability to sift through all of this negative information coming at you.

Note- stifled and stymied are of old english vocabulary meaning - to be an obstacle to; prevent the advancement or success of; thwart-restrain or smother.

For the most part, there are people in our lives who want us to do well no matter what. Then there are those who may not necessarily want us to improve–our neighbors, friends, coworkers,family, and others. However directly or subtly, they will try and tell us that we are incapable of the change we seek or the improvement we want from our lives:

“You’ll never be able to do that.”
“That’s for other people, not people like us.”
"Why do you want to do it that way?"
"You can't do that"
" God didn't..."
You could add a hundred more if you tried, I'm sure.

Whether someone is trying to get you to buy something, or is afraid of you improving, is it because it will illuminate his or her own inadequacies.

If you allow others to influence how you think or feel, you will be in service of them and not in service of yourself.


Often a salesperson (no matter what their title is) will start by making you think there was something wrong with what you have now: If there were nothing at all wrong with it, then there will be no reason to hire them, or buy their idea/product. So, essentially, the trick is to make you feel insecure about the now, and then you'll pay something, and they reap the profit.


Let’s take an unscrupulous doctor as an example. If people generally followed a nutritional protocol, with good living - barring hereditary issues, and accidents caused by others- doctors would essentially be out of a job. Therefore an unscrupulous doctor may convince a patient that they are at greater risk than reality dictates, by batteries of tests, poor prescriptive practices, etc etc, in order to create more billable hours.
 
A few years ago, my habits had brought me to a health crisis (time to change the habits). Being really very unwell, and never keen on the poorly trained medics of the country- I finally was convinced by friends to see a doctor.

Now, this one was not a good physical example of her profession- a major warning sign- She proceeded to tell me that it was important that I come back often–for treatments, because I was an as-of-yet-undiagnosed diabetic who was on the verge of potentially dying. 
This concerned me, as I was actually having trouble with even walking up stairs at that stage- so after a week of  thinking I decided I wasn't ready to be told that I was terminal from someone like that.
So, scraping up my resources I went to another medical doctor and got  proper tests done. Nothing showing- I am not dying from diabetes, but I actually have excellent blood sugar. The other issues resolved themselves with some other care, self education, and intervention.

In this country it often known that doctors and their laboratories engineer tests to suggest the unconfirmable- so they still have employment next week. It is a supposedly first world country.


It is important to understand that all around you there are people and forces that want you to feel weak, vulnerable, and inadequate. The best thing you can do to control and fight back against these forces is to sniff out and identify these people for what they are–and then avoid them.

People will continually strive to keep the person at a certain level, for fear of being left alone, or of feeling bad about their own lack of progress.


Question yourself-with 17 billion or so people in the world- do you want to be around the fearful, and the 'naysayers'?

Move on, relax and succeed. There are many many good people in the world to balance out the others.

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

 



pic courtesy of www.pdpics.com

Do Christians pay ? - what the bible says.

The manipulative? religion.

 At times  it seems as if when you work for some of those Christians-you know the one's I mean.

They seem to think of every verse in the bible to justify not paying you.


Tired of this manipulation I found a few verses to empower you






In random order:-

Nehemiah 5:11 
Return to them this very day their fields, their vineyards, their olive orchards, and their houses, and the percentage of money, grain, wine, and oil that you have been exacting from them.

 

Ezra 3:7   

So they gave money to the masons and the carpenters, and food, drink, and oil to the Sidonians and the Tyrians to bring cedar trees from Lebanon to the sea, to Joppa, according to the grant that they had from Cyrus king of Persia.

 

Chronicles 21:25

So David paid Ornan 600 shekels of gold by weight for the site.

 

Genesis 13:2

Now Abram was very rich in livestock, in silver, and in gold.

 

Kings 12:7-16

Therefore King Jehoash summoned Jehoiada the priest and the other priests and said to them, “Why are you not repairing the house? Now therefore take no more money from your donors, but hand it over for the repair of the house.” So the priests agreed that they should take no more money from the people, and that they should not repair the house. Then Jehoiada the priest took a chest and bored a hole in the lid of it and set it beside the altar on the right side as one entered the house of the Lord. And the priests who guarded the threshold put in it all the money that was brought into the house of the Lord. And whenever they saw that there was much money in the chest, the king's secretary and the high priest came up and they bagged and counted the money that was found in the house of the Lord. Then they would give the money that was weighed out into the hands of the workmen who had the oversight of the house of the Lord. And they paid it out to the carpenters and the builders who worked on the house of the Lord, ...

 

Luke 22:5

And they were glad, and agreed to give him money.

 

Lamentations 5:4 

We must pay for the water we drink; the wood we get must be bought.

 

Ecclesiastes 10:18-19 

Through sloth the roof sinks in, and through indolence the house leaks. Bread is made for laughter, and wine gladdens life, and money answers everything.

 

Proverbs 21:20 

Precious treasure and oil are in a wise man's dwelling, but a foolish man devours it.

 

Ezekiel 28:4 

By your wisdom and your understanding you have made wealth for yourself, and have gathered gold and silver into your treasuries;

 

Ecclesiastes 10:19

Bread is made for laughter, and wine gladdens life, and money answers everything.

There are others- yet these seem the most useful, being most recognized.

---------------------------------------------------------

A true story

I was employed by a Christian couple to do a job. They enthused over it, and said how much everyone in their church loved it. So of course I sent them an invoice.

Seven days later-(standard payment terms)= no cheque, no word.
I was busy so I left it, trusting in christian honesty to prevail.

Two months later I still hadn’t been paid. I prayed- and not being a prayer type person-my words might not have been the politest.

I relaxed for the day, and phoned them that night. On speaker phone they both were still complimentary of the results- saying sorry, things have been happening at church.We are very sorry, we have used the money for donations.

My thoughts were not very christian-like at that point.

I took a deep breath, and quietly said-":you know I have been praying a lot lately"
They commended me for this, and asked how was it going?

I replied,"you know God has been giving me messages"

"Oh" they said;-

 I carried on- "you know, last night he came to me and said..in Zechariah 11:12
 'If it seems good to you, give me my wages; but if not, keep them. And they weighed out as my wages thirty pieces of silver.', and this one too-- Leviticus 19:13

'You shall not oppress your neighbor or rob him. The wages of a hired worker shall not remain with you all night until the morning.'
..........and you know God said you would pay me. "

They sent me a check, I banked it that same week. 


A few lessons here- 1: the good book can say what ever you want it to say;- depending on your excerpts and applications  2; Being considerate of peoples identity, you can use their beliefs to help you both get what you want. 3;Be proactive to get the results you want. 


 pic courtesy of  www.publicdomainpictures.net
 bible excerpts courtesy of  www.openbible.info