How do you get over a Man? A breakup I never thought would happen to me.

The man of my dreams.

If you want to cure a problem, the first thing you must ask is what causes it.

In the same way, the question, “How do I get my boyfriend back?” can be resolved by identifying the main reasons why you broke up.

Reconciliation can occur on positive terms, if in the first place you’re truly sure why the split happened.

By asking yourself (not your 'friends') some difficult questions, you can get to the bottom of the problem, and move ahead in the best direction for you.

Did your personal differences clash?
Many couples split up because they get to a point where they can’t tolerate or complement each other’s personality. If your relationship ended for this reason, you can fix this by sincere communication. Give him a call and invite him for a daytime chat in a cafe.-That means no alcohol, drugs, sports distractions, or sex. Do not flirt, or wear revealing clothes, - this is a calm yet serious conversation, or two.
Discuss together what traits you appreciate and what adjustments you can do for the relationship, and what he thinks would help (what he will consider doing.). When you talk to him, keep yourself calm and undemanding. Call your empathy every time you find him difficult to understand. If he doesn’t feel like having a word with you, there is a chance he feels unable to trust you; don’t pressure him.


Did the hectic schedules get in your way?
Couples last longer when they choose to spend moments with each other, to strengthen the bond and to create positive memories together. If both of your hands were quite full, and you lacked the discipline to put time into your relationship, it was bound to fail. Now that you ask yourself, “How do I get my boyfriend back”, make sure you put his name in your organizer, not just your friends. Be careful you are considerate of his time as well as your own, and don’t overdo it, as persistent emails, text messages and calls are seen as harassment.


Did you get bored with each other?
If your relationship happened to be monotonous, you might have run out of creative ideas to have kept it going. Explore your own hobbies, talents and interests, no real man wants a doormat around him. Now that you want him back, you can’t return to the same total focus of you and him, or expect him to be interested in what brand of makeup/clothing you do or don't like.


Was there any kind of abuse in the relationship?
If you underwent physical and emotional abuses in a past relationship, how have you changed?
Are you recreating the same responses here with this one?
How can you change your words, or inner self talk?

If there is abuse, usually it is better to change yourself first - being in someones face, or minimizing them or their accomplishments will aggravate the calmest person in the world. They may or may not hit you, but they will avoid you or leave, and your name will be mud in the community.


Was he dissatisfied with your physical intimacy?
Men are turned off with all women who react like robots to his hugs and kisses. As well as demands, 'twenty seven' conditions to be right before intimacy, and flirting with other men or woman, will bring you failure. It greatly affects his, and your satisfaction in the relationship.
Enhance your looks, and hygiene, and be confident within yourself, do not verbalize your faults, only your improvements. When ever you get a chance to talk to him, show your honest smile and interested gaze.


Did you try and contain or entrap him?
A real man will avoid in his mind, imprisonment - he may love the security of your devotion, but he is almost like a cat, - they always come home to where they are cared for, and welcome. They are never happy trapped in containment.


Was he feeling the relationship was one way?
It doesn't take long for most men to get tired of financially (or otherwise) supporting someone, who does not offer any real value, What real value can you offer this partnership? A decorative accessory, lazy cook, or baby factory - just does not cut it. How can you improve yourself? Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it a little at a time.


 Were there infidelity issues?
If he’s currently happy with another woman, move on with your life. If you made a mistake and caused it - that was a life learning experience. If he came back to you - talk about how to make things more satisfactory for both of you. Maybe study the Kama Sutras together.


 Once you’re over the question, “How do I get my boyfriend back?” value the second chance that has been given to you. Apply yourself and work at it.

The 6 Biggest Mistakes Women Make
Trying To Get Their Men Back

Unfortunately, most women go about fighting for their man the wrong way and pay the price dearly. In most cases, these mistakes actually push him further away! Mistakes like…

• Promising to change who you are
• Sending flowers or a touching letter
• Trying to make him feel guilty
• Stalking and/or spying on him
• Calling his friends and relatives
• Giving up

Let's face it, you're scared, depressed, or both, and just want to get back together with your man once and for all. 


 Want to still get your ex back - Oprah's relationship specialist has the answers for you.

A few steps to getting over a breakup

1) Understand that you're thoughts and memories create the 'feelings' that you are are still in love with him. As attractive, as he was, that was a great life experience then.


2) There are millions of date-able men in the world. There are literally millions of men as good in different ways. And of course millions who are similar or worse - let's think 50/50 for the moment - reality says otherwise - but think like this for now.


3) He is not your soulmate, your true love, the one or anything else. You partnered with him for this while.
Soulmates and true love is an invention of the mass media, movies and sold to the gullible masses.
If he was your soulmate or your true love you would still be with him and everything would be roses.


4) Realize that when another one comes along you will begin to forget all about the old one. The new one will of course force this requirement as well. The way you get over your cat’s death is you mourn for a while and then you go to the cat pound and pick up a new one. Similarly, the way you truly get over a man is to get a life outside of them.


5) Do not watch emotional movies or listen to popular music. The media is planned to hold in this place, so you will waste money trying to find contentment in valueless purchases. Rather than consume media that makes you sad, you must consume media that uplifts you and motivates you for the future - whether you are with him or not.


6) Realize that you dodged a bullet by breaking up. As it could not last, it will not last, it is best that it’s over with now, instead of in the future when much more will be at stake. A little heartache is a whole lot better than being unsupported later.


7) Realize that you may be sad and lonesome for a little while and accept it. You wouldn’t be too human if you had no emotions at all. Maybe you’ll spend a week or two listening to sad music and drinking too much. Just don’t let it become habit. Get it out, get it over with and move on to your new and better life. You have learned something here.

8) You can now learn from your mistakes and get a better companion for your future. That doesn’t mean you should pay them more attention or buy more gifts, or trap someone, you absolutely must not.
If you want a man to be head over heels in love with you, you must be a worthwhile person in yourself. 


Ninety percent of men want a good sex partner - you are seeking a 30% that will continuously participate and contribute actively to a shared life as well - it is called a partnership for a reason. 


9) Never, ever take advice from your friends, on how to get men. They will lie, and tell you to be nice and be yourself and/or buy gifts, knowing full well that they despise the losers who do such things. And be aware, another STD, or unplanned child, is not a good idea.
The best person to take advice from is the older genuine woman who has succeeded in what you have worked out you want.


10) Realize that a lot of modern men will never be the perfect man, your 100% soulmate, or a white knight in shining armor. This is the stuff of a fantasy novel, and for your sanity, best left inside the books.

These are some men whom you cannot please no matter what. If you’re dating such a man you should let him go immediately and find a better companion. Don’t fall for the romance idea. He is an abuser in waiting.


11) If you need physical closeness or sex- find a companion with that mutually in mind, or ideally - as Napolean Hill says - transmute it - redirect the hormonal and societal thinking into an achievement power for yourself, and your new future.

Getting over a breakup is actually quite easy when you think about it in a logical way, and don’t listen to others.

 Dust yourself off and find yourself a better life, - there are sports, hobbies, building an empire, cats, gardening, dogs, sports, books - many many things to refocus your life on. 

 Be a better person yourself - for yourself.

Recommended links to Help you....


Hobby ideas from amazon.
 

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

 Want to still get your ex back - Oprah's relationship specialist has the answers for you.



Or do take an Assertiveness course. These will help you stand your ground, and get what you want easily.

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

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Is my relationship OK? The ten indicators that maybe it is not, and time to move on.

My life desires - a contemplation.

Really the questions are; can I accept this partner's actions, male or female - while I change them? Or what are we each getting out of this partnership - emotionally and psychologically, as well as physically.

Some people are slow, or resistive to change - so "do I want to change me?" is the other question you must ask yourself.
 

One of the best signs of a healthy relationship, on a basic level is from Winnie the Pooh, by A.A. Milne.

 Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you." 

This goes both ways - you must establish what will bring that thinking out in your partner, and consistently do that, to keep a good relationship. As it would be valid for you to teach them, how you might best like it.

In a perfectly healthy relationship, as it progresses, you do feel sure of your partner- without having to ask for their reassurance..(Trust).

There are some signs of unhealthy relationships, and we often ignore the 'red flags' in the rush of enthusiasm. Not everyone is perfect, of course, the level of imperfection you decide to accept - is your choice, and decision alone.

10 Signs of Unhealthy Relationships 

 

The worst sign of all types of unhealthy relationships is the first one: secrets. If you can’t talk about what your partner says and does to you, then it’s an unhealthy relationship.
Another big sign of an unhealthy relationship is if you feel unhappy, insecure, and unloved, a major amount of the time, when you’re with your partner.

If either of these is the case, you need to evaluate properly

• a- the rewards of persisting;

• b- the how to- of changing you or them;

• c- your sanity and or safety;

Some relationships are better at a distance, or with different people - the key word to consider is partnership - with all of its qualities. 


Read on......for the 10 most unhealthy signs......


1. You keep your partner’s actions and words a secret. If you can’t tell your family or friends about the things your partner says and does, then you may not be in a healthy loving relationship. If you lie to protect her or him, then it’s time to get out of that unhealthy relationship. You’re not just with the wrong girl or guy…you’re helping them being the wrong type of person.

2. Your partner wants you to change. If your partner doesn’t love you as you are, and says or verbalizes a requirement that you change - you must consider truthfully 1;- whether it would be better to change; or 2;- is this a one-sided method of control.
This is one of the most important signs of unhealthy relationships: a woman who doesn’t love or accept you as you are.Or a man. Your partner has fantasy's of some type, - do you want to be part of that fantasy? And is it worth it to keep up with it long-term?

3. Your partner doesn’t trust you. Constant phone calls, demands on your time, and jealous fits are NOT signs of love! If your partner doesn’t trust you or accuses you of lying, then you need to re-evaluate your actions. You may be doing something or acting in a way that makes them insecure - equally - it is very very common for many not nice people to accuse you of what they are in fact doing or planning.
If it is the first, find out how to make it easier for both of you, if it is the second -talk about it quietly.
If it does not change - leave- quietly, and with both of your safety in mind. If they open your mail (as an new or unusual practice) or show up at work unexpectedly, he or she doesn’t trust you. This is a sign of deep insecurity, which needs to addressed;- being best together with a rabbi, priest, or similar 'impartial' believable authority as soon as possible.

4. Your partner puts you down, in private or in front of others. If they call you names, ridicule your thoughts or opinions, or makes you feel like a fool, even in jest (joking) more than once or twice - then they're no good for you! You can address the first one or two times, by saying about how you feel when they.. and you would prefer this .... behaviour.  
Should they minimize your request, or continue to do it, or even discuss it in the third person with you or others  - leave - their internal psychology is too immature for the life you want.

5. You don’t feel like an equal partner in your relationship. Does your 'partner' make all the decisions – or do you? An unequal balance of power is a sign of an unhealthy relationship, and a definitely either time to find out how to bring the relationship closer to a 50/50 contribution of thought or reality - or a sign it’s time to get out. Most importantly if you aren’t being treated equally,

6. You and your partner don’t have the same long or short-term goals. If you can’t agree on financial issues, family matters, or goals for your future, then you may want to think twice about your relationship. Nobody has the exact same plans for the future, but the happiest couples will have the same focus.
 
7. Your partner says they love you, but doesn’t act like they love you. Believe their nonverbal behavior (actions) over verbal behavior (talk,money, and things are cheap!). If she or he talks down to you, this needs to stop - it is verbal abuse, and leads to power and control issues a lot of people cannot manage.

8. You feel unhealthy, guilty, unhappy, depressed, or sad about your relationship. This tip is based on the quote of Piglet and Winnie the Pooh above. If you don’t feel secure, comfortable, and loved in your relationship, then you may be with the wrong person. If you truthfully putting in the effort to be the best you can, and honestly applying yourself to the partnership and you still have a perception of insecurity- it’s a sign you’re in an unhealthy relationship and you should think about leaving.

If your 'friend' or partner makes you feel unhealthy about yourself, they may have more unspoken challenges than you.You must create some distance -- be it emotionally or physically while you make yourself stronger.
 If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, learn how to empower yourself, improve your relationship, and change your life for the better.read The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans.


9. Your family and friends aren’t supportive of your relationship. We shouldn't choose our partners based on our family and friends’ opinions, in fact, some families are the cause of all the problems - but  we should evaluate their opinions. If your family or friends have strong reservations about your partner, ask for specific reasons. Find out the true basis of their feelings, and try to be objective, - do be aware they might be feeling insecure themselves.

10. You’re wondering about the warning signs of unhealthy relationships. The most important warning sign of love 'gone unhealthy' is your intuitive feeling! Why are you worrying about your relationship? The primary question to ask is would you want your sister, best friend, son or daughter to be in this relationship?
To find the strength and courage to either fix or leave an unhealthy relationship, you may need to talk to someone.

If these signs of unhealthy relationships are pointing you out the door, read Be Brave and How to End a Relationship - It was written it for all us who know their relationship is not helping us, but want to leave either safely, with some of our dignity intact, or with a future harmony in life.

The best way to predict if your relationship will last is to ask yourself if you’re willing to keep living with these signs of unhealthy relationships. What do you want from your life, relationship, what level can your partner meet? You are allowed to claim your own life. Don’t end up being be a passive observer in it! 

 Thought for the Day: Because I set a standard, I attract those who are good for me. I am strong. I have the courage to say NO to those who are wrong, and the goodwill to say YES to those who are right for me.

Recommended resources to help you...choose a couple....


Winnie the Pooh - a fable well worth having and reading


Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can — and Should — Be Saved by Lundy Bancroft


'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Or take an Assertiveness course. These will help you stand your ground without becoming aggressive or hostile.
If you feel physically intimidated by people, you might want to consider a self-defense course, or training books as well.


 Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

Relationship and marriage enhancement and improvement techniques and help.

*If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.see important note. 

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To create a feeling of self confidence when I feel so insecure sometimes

Stuck in the mud?

We are called the narcissistic generation. And for many attention seeking people that is a very accurate label. We discuss narcissism here as an ordinary perception - not the strict clinical sense.

Technology, social media, the related proliferation of non-essential degrees, and jobs- are giving us an inflated sense of self.

Some individuals, more than others, consider themselves above all of humanity, and indeed the next television talent quest winner. Be it the X-Factor, or Stars in Their Eyes - all as seen on a new big screen TV from amazon.

Most of us don’t walk around self-promoting ourselves to that amount, or even feeling like we are all that great.

There, for some, is an emotion that shapes our self-image and influences our behavior, and that is a learned insecurity.

Even in the narcissistic toads, you’re likely to find concerns of insecurity fueling their life.

The most common self-critical thought some people have told themselves, is that they are different – not in a positive sense, but in some negative, alienating way.

Whether our self-esteem is high or low, one thing is clear; we are a generation that avoids self scrutiny, or at least acting to change ourselves for the better.

Over half the women of today. say they experience hurtful, self-critical thoughts on a weekly basis.
Perhaps an attempt to be accepted by their immature 'friends', or indeed thinking that they want it all,- and to measure up to the current film idol, means they will be handed it all without effort.

To be fair, this thinking has been seen in all ages of history - particularly in 'western' influenced culture.
Men, are not a lot different, possibly more action orientated, and using events or alcohol to fit in with their group.

By understanding where this insecurity comes from, why we might put ourselves down, and how this perception affects us, we can start to change and overcome that inner critic.

What causes this insecurity? 

There is an internal talk, or question and answer response -  critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us.

As we grow up, it becomes a sadly reassuring  pattern of destructive thoughts, toward ourselves and others.

The experiences we have with our influential early caretakers be it parents, teachers, or some other authority we expected - rightly so - a level of care from; can be at the root of our insecurity as adults. Both negative and unrealistic positive interactions can be damaging to a child’s development and self-esteem.

The reason for it is that we must feel seen for who we are in order to feel secure. Regardless of our age, or situation. The authority gives us a loss of a sense of being able, or prevents us from exploring our actual abilities.
Harmful, and abusive as adults, - unhelpful and irresponsible care-giving/teaching/parenting if children are involved.

A healthy attitude if you're parents, is to see yourself and the children realistically, and to treat both with acceptance and compassion. Good parents can support their children, and guide them in their choices, letting them if it's not too unsafe or damaging to work it out with help, not control. To more so encourage exploration, and activities. that appeal to the child’s interest, and not just the parent. or their own desires from the past or present.
This helps a child establish a sense of self-worth. Which equips them for a real world.

Old feelings or invocations - that we are incompetent or that we will never be acknowledged or appreciated are not the most help for us.

   
Insecurity in Relationships

There are many ways our critical inner voice can creep into our romantic lives. Relationships, can stir up past hurts and experiences, and some people do seem to try and make us feel bad for their own sense of power.

Leave these ones,as quietly and quickly as you can, and let them follow their own path. There are 17 billion other people in the world - and some of them are pretty good.


How do you overcome this insecurity you have?

Firstly - someone in your formative stages of life knowingly or not, used it as a control tool against you.

Whether it was a 'trusted' authority person, or one your 'friends' acting out and projecting their insecurities onto you to alleviate their own pain.

So to fit in, be accepted, or lead a peace filled life, you listened to them, and took it onboard for you.

Knowing this, and that there is a better way, work through the following five exercises

Day1

The first step is seeing your self-critical thoughts in the second person. Go ahead and write down these thoughts. You are not going to show anyone, and will destroy the paper at the end of the week!
Instead of writing "I am so dumb. What is the matter with me? I will never be successful," you write as if it was someone else; e.g. "You are so stupid. You will never be successful."

This process helps you to separate from these thoughts, by seeing them as external, instead of your own real point of view. They might bring up underlying feelings from the past, which can be useful.
We are going to get rid of this list soon.

Day 2

On the second day, you can start to think  about the ideas and reactions you have to writing down these mean thoughts. Do they remind you of anyone or anything from your past?
Allow yourself to feel some compassion for the controlling person, but more so for yourself - and know and reject these attitudes as ' just who you are'.

Day 3

You  now answer back to your negative thoughts, expressing your real point of view. You write down rational and realistic statements about how you really are. Take some time over this one. Do respond to your attacks the way you like a good  friend to,- using compassion and kindness.

Day 4

Note on another sheet of paper the way you think there may be a connection between how these 'voice attacks' are influencing your present-day behaviors.
How do they affect you at work? With your partner? As a parent? In your personal ambitions? Do they undermine you? What comments or events trigger the insecurity? What areas of your life is this insecurity most influential?
Even as a millionaire, those questions are still asked.

Day 5

The final step, for now, is to change the questions we ask ourselves - in response to our life triggers we've noticed.
We go through all of our week's notes, summarise the areas to work on first, then start with a small step or two, and keep going.
Throw away the papers with the bad stuff on it -shred it by hand is best. If insecurity is keeping you from asking someone on a date or going after a promotion, it’s time to learn how to do it, so it works for you.

All of your insecurities aren’t likely to disappear overnight, but a few will have gone by now,- and with practice the others will weaken, and fade out of your life. Whenever you notice a negative thought, don’t indulge in its direction, think of your new you, and your desired results.

A key thought is self-compassion,- self- acceptance really. As opposed to it being all about self-esteem. Self-esteem is important, and focuses on evaluation and performance, where as self-acceptance, allows us to grow from where we are now.

To tell yourself, that you are different – not in some negative alienating way, but in a positive sense.

This is the key to real self-confidence, and leaving those old insecurities behind you.

Recommended links to help you now

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-

 

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

photo courtesy of pdp net - WEYENBERGH JACKY

Am I in the wrong relationship? You might be....

The intensity of meeting the challenge.

At times the outlook looks hopeless. And truly, some relationships are bad for both parties. Goodness knows how they even decided to start off together.

Usually a list,- written or not, either conscious, or seemingly unknown; of expectations brought forward from childhood, parental indoctrination, or mass-media.

Or in a similar mental haze, caused by a shared chemical - be it alcohol, or any of the current choices of fashion - or a physical lust followed pregnancy, and then abandonment fears.

Looking at it, what normally initially attracts people to one another, can be the very defenses that hold them back in life, rather than a mutual and proactive partnership that would be helpful.

Often in this dynamic, a couple becomes characterized in their behaviours and responses. For example, the shy, indecisive person who chooses a loud, dominant partner. Then the shy person retreats further, becoming more invisible in his or her life, while the more assertive partner takes control and directs their lives.
(The start of some domestic abuse here, unless there are rational discussions.)

Facing and challenging the defenses that leads you to choose the partners you do is the single most important task to breaking this pattern.

Changing how you interact with your partner, for instance, learning to negotiate more, if you are the “quiet one,” will begin to shift the dynamics in your relationship. The best setting for developing relationship skills and breaking defenses against love is in a relationship.
If you abandon ship, (which is the best option at times) -  but, jump in to a new relationship without wanting to learn, your results may not be those you want.

Be careful, there are some relationships that just don’t work. Some couples actually have a toxic effect on each other, where the mental, and tellingly the physical health of the individuals involved deteriorates.

So, how can you tell when it’s time to move on?  Up to you really.

However, there are some red flags to look out for;-
most importantly those that indicate that you or your partner are experiencing - an ongoing and seemingly inescapable - increase in psychological symptoms or a degradation in your ability to function.

These would be signs that it may be time to call it quits or, at the very least, to seek counseling or outside impartial guidance - if you can find it.


Here are some questions to ask yourself on your own to evaluate your situation-

•  Is my relationship negatively affecting other areas of my life?

• Do I feel upset, on edge, and fragmented a lot of the time?

• Am I too distracted by my relationship to function in healthy ways?

• Do I rarely feel like myself anymore? Do I remember my own dreams for the future?

• Am I anxious or desperate toward my relationship partner? Either afraid or fearful of them, or losing them.

• Do I feel like there is something wrong with me that I am frantic to fix?

•  Has my relationship impacted or hurt my friendships? Have I stopped seeing all my friends? Some friendships do change, some are not good for us; - yet not every single last one.

• Has it affected the way I parent (I’m distracted from caring for my children or I’m too reliant on them to meet my needs?), or even look after my pets.

•  Do I feel chronically ashamed of myself? Or am I made to feel ashamed of my choices or beliefs.

•  Do I feel down or hopeless about my life most of the time?

• Am I being abused without cause.- (hard one this- a joke every so often OK- anything else not)

• Has my physical health changed for the worse. Many times stressful relationships change your breathing and sleeping patterns -let alone your exercise and nutritional choices = cancers, strokes, dental, eyesight, the list goes on.

No human interaction is 100% perfect all the time, though you should be able to see more good than bad.


If you or your partner is experiencing this higher negative level of psychological distress, it is important to seek help if you wish, at least for yourselves.

The relationship needs to change, through distance, termination or renegotiation,  unless some radical learning and change happens from both parties.

Another important thing is to ask yourself is, “How am I interacting with my partner most of the time?”

If your interactions with your partner are predominantly negative, it’s time to look at your behavior more closely.

The four most toxic behaviors between couples:

1. Criticism – are you blaming or attacking your partner? In front of them, internally, or especially to others.

2. Defensiveness – are you closed off to feedback from your partner?

3. Contempt – are you rolling your eyes, mocking or pushing your partner away?

4. Stonewalling – are you shutting down your partners conversations? or is your underlying tone and body language stand-offish or withdrawn?

Time for some immediate changes, if you have or are a partner like this.

 Communication problems, gender role differences and infidelity are only symptoms, rather than the biggest predictors, of relationship breakups or divorce.

The truth is, you are sadly part of the equation, you must stop and redirect these negative behaviours at the first instance, for a reasonable chance at a serious relationship.

The solution isn’t necessarily to move on and find someone else, because, since we take our defenses with us, they will lead to the same troubles in a new relationship.

To challenge and change our defenses is work we alone have to do, and a mutually defined relationship is a great place to do it, and be within when it works.




Recommended links to help you.

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

*If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.see important note. 

photo courtesy public domain

Am I an instrument in my own failure or success? What the musician in us says ....

The story goes of one of the most famous violinists in the world, who took a valuable Stradivarius violin and played in a railway subway station.

Despite more than 1,000 people walking by, only a pre-school boy and a few other people stopped to watch him. Only one person said they recognized him.

How could one of the greatest musicians in the world play for - I think it was just under an hour- in a public place unnoticed?

If you felt you were somewhat good at something, you might also feel that people did not appreciate your abilities.

You might feel like you were wasting your time and should be doing something else. And one or two people in your circle will of course say that. 

( It could be time to find some new circles!)

You will generally seek out people you are comfortable with, it is only natural. Ensure to allocate your time with people who are exceptional, and who will give you evidence that you too are valued.


Without evidence of your own greatness, you will not be encouraged, and if you are not encouraged, most people give up;- which is not success; many people do lose faith in what they are capable of.



It is now you need to become your own mentor.

A great mentor will recognize abilities in people. They will encourage them to grow in the right direction. Soon, the student may believe they are capable and will achieve. Just a few people encouraging you can make a difference in your life. And if you have had this, you must remember those times occasionally.


 You must surround yourself with the sorts of mentors, acquaintances and friends who give you this evidence. And you must be that friend to yourself.


 In hospital, addicts commonly focus on an incident—or a series of incidents in their past—as a reason they are unworthy of being happy and/or loved. Most often, it is a parent who consistently made them feel unloved and unacknowledged, which created the issues for the child, in them. And it will mostly be true. Even if a child is good at something, an unskilled or bad parent will not encourage them.

Instead of taking one wrong message as evidence they could do something differently, they take the message as evidence they have failed and are no good, so that they may still be acceptable to their current group.


It is using the bad evidence that hurts us. Conversely, using good evidence can help us a great deal.

As a successful person you must speak of various achievements you have had in the past - to yourself - and always map out a future in a way that makes it seem as if it will work out for you.

When you think of the future, you must always always use all sorts of evidence of the things you have done in the past as “evidence” that things will turn out well for you, as you have the ability to deal with it.


Joshua Bell –the man with the violin in the subway– could be a metaphor for you of the way you are living your life, at this moment.

A lot of us look for evidence to prove that we are happy, successful, popular and so forth – and some of us find it.
However, unlike Bell, many of us do not realize we are successful and great and so we stop playing without that outside evidence that we are. Become the powerful dancer in your own life.

Look within, and remind yourself quietly and constantly of your positive attributes.Doing so will make your path through life easier and rewarding. Choose your very own place in the world.

                             Recommended link to help you now





photo courtesy of  wikipedia commons- Andreas31

Feeling invisible in a world that is so hostile

A clouded view of the world

Feeling so invisible in a hostile world

It all begins mostly, because, some parents do not take the time and effort to listen carefully to their children, and to discover a child’s thoughts and to explain to them the emotional reactions the child is having.

Of course from a normal parents point of view, they have their own challenges of the time, and often they never in fact learnt how to parent  - possibly even their parents were 'flying blind,' and theirs before, and so on.

 Instead, the parents manipulate (in negative terms) the children to get them to do whatever makes life easier for the parents.

Children learn to know what is happening, and they know something is not quite right.


Not understanding their parents trials, without guidance the children develop a black and white thinking of  “My parents do not love me” and turn it around into the belief that because something must be wrong with them, they really do not deserve the love they so desperately need. Thus they will begin to tell themselves negative thoughts such as

• I don’t deserve it.
• I don’t belong.
• I’m not good enough.
• I’m a loser. (of course helped by their friends in the same boat)

These thoughts, unless diverted,  get to be repeated over and over in the mind, to form a pathway of response to the- their world.

For example, if your parents became impatient and critical when you made a mistake in childhood you probably sank down into silent shame;  but now, as an adult, you can say to them or to anyone else who is critical rather than helpful, “What are you being so mean to me for? Cursing a stalled car won’t make it start running again.” 

  

The Abuses.

When an adult sexually abuses a child, the adult is really using the child as an object of pleasure in some way, a mere commodity to be used and then discarded afterwards, as they must in society.
Needless to say, being treated like a disposable item, to be eventually rejected,- can leave you believing that you are a piece of garbage. And in feeling that, especially if you lack social support from others, suicide can begin to appear like a fitting conclusion to—and self-inflicted punishment for—a worthless existence.

Emotional abuse can bring about feelings of cynicism, a contemptuous disbelief in human goodness and sincerity. And if you become cynical because you have been belittled so often, not only can you become a bully or a terrorist, but also you can eventually become so weary of the constant fighting against the world and its prejudices that suicide seems like a good idea.

Physical abuse increases feelings of hostility toward—and a disrespect for—authority. This can actually harden you to the point that you become cold and calculating in your interactions with others. But if anything ever happens to make you feel that your control of people or events is jeopardized, then, like a massive social disgrace, suicide may seem like your only escape.

(Don't take anything too much to heart -out of 17 billion people in the world not everyone is perfect).



A story-an excerpt-

The Hobbit, by J. R. R. Tolkien.. tells the story of a group of dwarfs, helped by a hobbit and, at times, by a wizard, who seek to recover the treasure stolen from them by a dragon generations ago. 


They go on a long journey from the Hobbit’s home, across mountains, though a dark forest, and on to the Lonely Mountain under which the dragon has made its home in the ancient halls of the dwarf king.

During their trek through the forest, the dwarfs and hobbit, tired and weary from having run out of food, encounter a stream that must be crossed.They had been warned  before not to drink or bathe in the the stream, because the stream carried spells of great drowsiness and forgetfulness.

Well, as they were crossing the stream in a small boat, a dwarf fell into the water. Almost immediately, he fell asleep. The others were forced to carry him in order to continue the journey.

Of the thirteen dwarfs, it was the fat one who fell into the water, and as the fat dwarf was often ridiculed for being fat and was the one who always came last. In fact, he was the last one to cross the stream, and, as he made his way up the bank, he was surprised by a deer, lost his balance, and fell into the water. 
By falling into the water and falling asleep, he forced the others to carry him.He was heavy, and it took four other dwarfs to carry him on a sling between two poles. Even though he did not intend any of this to happen, he still managed to fulfill his unconscious desire to get revenge for his mistreatment. The others, tired and hungry, had to carry him while he slept and dreamed of delightful feasts in the woods.


The Implications for Today

The desire to sleep and be carried, just like a lot of addictions (e.g., drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, eroticism, video games, TV, movies and on and on), reflects, in one way or another, a yearning to escape from the emotional pain of life and to experience a secure safe place of comfort.



However the ultimate results may be manifested, the desire to escape from reality—to sleep, to disappear—carries with it the desire to be carried. It’s fundamentally an attempt to escape from responsibility. It’s never just a benign wish for peace.

The one who carries resentment always manages to hurt others—to disturb their peace—by making them carry him. That is the  subtle deception.


The Cure

The real cure? Start by forgetting the illusion that you’re a “partner” in your own destruction. That placement of you in that role is a deceit, a thick smokescreen of victimization.
Yes, one “part” of your personality may be unconsciously seeking your destruction, but other parts of     you do have the authority to listen to and bring the change you want.

 Give yourself a respect and recognition that you may never get from the world, so that you take the first step toward your own healing. Take a few moments and listen to your pain and vulnerability with a curiosity and understanding—that is, with the love that you wanted from others.

Even children who are belittled—through no fault of their own—by their own parents, and who couldn’t defend themselves as children, can learn to reclaim their self-esteem as adults by “standing up” for themselves in asserting their human dignity with every person they encounter.

The world will always be not perfect—that is it's reality, it has been since before the ice age; The untrue illusion is that the world despises you. The world just is.

Gain some comfort by a purposeful activity, hobby, work, or writing. When this happens, you begin to feel an independent sense of self worth, and life's pleasures and happiness begin to arrive.


Some recommended links to start you on your better life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition 






Become the best you can be with Mindmint







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

photo courtesy of public domain