What can I do to restore my love with my partner? Or is it even worth it all....

Deciding the value of being together

Definitely can- it doesn't usually take Viagra, hormones, alcohol, gifts, flowers, money, or even duct tape.
 Or even therapeutic help.

They all have their place of course.

*Don't use the duct tape to tie them up- most people don't like it, and you'll get in trouble. It is only meant to represent an idea of last minute patch-up/hold-together, etc.

As usual, if you have issues- it always advisable to seek the intervening help of your local trusted licensed professional. And get two or more opinions, asking the questions in different ways/taking notes, and a support person if you have one- etc. Stay safe.
Different churches have 'free' help- even if your not a current member - (they'll try and get you to join though - power does corrupt).

******

 Firstly- is it worth it? If you are reading this, you are seeing some value in the relationship, or your recalled feeling state.

• Some people are resistant to change, so if by changing you, is that acceptable? 

• Will that moderate the situation you're in? - or is this the best long term for you? 

• Is your partner leading you into damaging behaviors or lifestyles? 

• Where do think you might be in 15 years - and are you OK with that?

Take a while to work through these ideas in your mind first. 

It all could be worth it, or possibly you will be better elsewhere.

A good measure is fear - fear of alone-ness, or fear while your in the situation - this may mean you could be stronger in another place.

 It is your decision., think how you like things to go, giving consideration to your partner.

Here are 10 easy steps to get you started:- 

Do Be aware of each other’s triggers.

1.Partners will focus on the details of their problems with one another. As a result, they get lost arguing repeatedly over the particulars of who did or didn’t do what, to whom, when and where, how often, and so on. That does not help in the beginning - blaming is not an effective solution except to control.
Start with little things, if they don't like  you wearing your shoes inside or something they don't do themselves - just say - 'you could be right- I'll do ... that's OK with you isn't it?' - Little things like that matching of ideals are good. (If it is harmful- don't do it).

2. Accept that healing yourself is important.ways, learn to love and fully accept yourself, honour your needs and aspirations and life – and by doing so, you will increase the chances of healing your relationship – and the possibility of inspiring the other to improve for themselves. You have the ability to bring a calming presence to a situation which can create the necessary conditions for personal healing to take place.

3.When you take over another person’s behaviors, or emotional life, as if they were some kind of a fix-it project, it gets to be or is a power struggle. It does send a probably unwanted message, that you don't value the other as a person, or even their ability to do their own thinking, their capacity to master and handle upsetting emotions, etc.
No one likes being someone’s fix-it project (although it may be flattering;at first, it gets old soon enough).  As human beings, we seek to be accepted for the unique value we bring to life.

4.To break free of toxic relating patterns and restore some balance,start with these ideas that govern healthy relationships:
You cannot fix your partner’s behaviors or emotional states, you can only influence them- Your focus on fixing or healing one another (instead of yourselves) is, and has been the main problem - Your attempts to fix the other with angry outbursts, pleading, intimidation, guilt or shame, etc.,are,  and have been, the cause of much suffering. 

5.Healing your relationship with you is prerequisite to healing your couple relationship.
Give yourself  permission to improve yourself, and your responses to stimuli.
Be honest and seek support of safe persons you can trust.  Honesty is a key step in breaking the power of secrecy that toxic problems often feed on. You need to be willing to see and admit the truth that something hurtful is happening or happened to you (or that you’ve been doing something hurtful to your partner). It may cause angry feelings toward the person who acted wrongly and took hurtful actions. It may bring up anger toward yourself for allowing the other to take these wrongful actions (or for engaging in ways that hurt your partner).

If you are in a relationship with someone who is  physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive, is forceful or treats you more like an object than a person with feelings and thoughts of your own, or if this person uses threats of the same--create a distance (leave).

A safe person has the following characteristics, in that they:

• Do not judge, demean, belittle you, etc.

• Allows your highest good, growth, interest; and this is evident in their actions, in  how they treat you. 

• They maintain confidentiality, and never use what you disclose against you.

• Listens without giving advice – unless you ask for it, and even then respect your choice to apply or not, some or all of their advice.

• Believes in you, your ability to think and make effective choices.

6.Building honesty is about learning to deal with any anger in healthy ways, firstly, to separate healthy anger from toxic anger. Easy to do, by separating ‘the person’ who acted wrongly from ‘the actions’ of the person.
Healthy anger sees hurtful actions as wrong, and takes action to change, stop or move away from them. Stop listening or making excuses for hurtful actions. Safe = stay;- if not safe = leave, even to take a dog for a walk

7.Get comfortable with uncomfortable’ feelings. Many partners have bought into their life romantic pictures of ideal love, and enter their relationship with lots of unrealistic expectations. TV, films, and entertainment only (purposefully), add to the myths and misconceptions, making it all worse. 
Many partners expect to arrive at a place where, once and for all, there are no painful emotions of fear or anger, they stop upsetting each other, they perfectly trust one another, and they meet one another’s needs in perfect timing. It won't happen continuously. In truth, it doesn’t happen on earth, Venus or Mars, or any known place. Accept it. 

8.Vulnerability just happens in creating intimacy, and it's important to grow in the times when partners face their greatest fears, i.e., inadequacy, rejection, abandonment, etc.
When partners remain open to respond out of compassion, rather than fear, this creates a balance - called love.  Feelings of safety and love, are not made with triggers by any of insecurity and fear. Experiencing strong emotions from time to time is just part of life. Avoid keeping your feelings bottled up inside – and also avoid doing the extreme opposite. Blasting another with your feelings, for example, may be ‘expressing’ them, but it will not get the positive rewards you want. 
It’s in your hands to no longer use deceit, angry outbursts, anxiety or depression to control the direction of your life. 

9.Describe wrongful actions with action- or solution-words. Acting in ways that strip away hope or demean, humiliate, intimidate, or tear down another person, etc.,will erode and destroy your relationships. These abusive behavior patterns keep partners in a place of low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, etc; until one day they will leave or blow up like a volcano. People who use them often live in fear of getting the short end of the stick, and are ever on guard to make sure no one gets the best of them, etc. Perhaps these ones are past saving for you-(and me - except in a paid capacity).

You must use words in conscious ways, being aware of the power they have to activate emotional states – whether helpful or harmful ones.

• Use words to enrich or to make requests, and not for finding-fault.
   
• Stop all words that demean, tear down, find-fault, judge self or other as persons, and so on.
   
• Words are for building mutual understanding, communicating clearly, energizing a bright future, etc.
   
• Chose to use words that consciously increase mutual understanding, cooperation, kindness, clarity,  caring, compassion, hope and inspiration, and the like. 

10. Is it an ongoing choice to enrich life for self and other? That may be the determination of 'love'. You up to this date have each played a contributing role in the relationship, and now, as consciously aware partners, you must play an active role to stop, to change – and to move away from any defeating or toxic inter-action patterns, without being subservient Ultimately, in a healthy relationship, partners increasingly become ‘safe’ persons to turn to for support. It’s a healthy expectation and standard to set in your relationship. Each half  must, however, work to develop the ‘characteristics’ of good -above, and no free rides on this journey,- long term.


As in any success patterning -- think positive possibilities, take appropriate action, and more action, to break free of old habits (addictive relating patterns), and retrain the neural pathways of your brain to achieve your desired result.



Some recommended links to start you on your better life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

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 *If your situation is unsafe/or may be unsafe - get local trusted registered professional advice from more than two unrelated identities.see important note. 


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