Why am I always the scapegoat ? Plans to deal with the bully in life

A scapegoat, is one that someone else chooses to leave out in the cold, or being used to prevent a selected few's engagement with a reality.

That someone else is usually inadequate in some way, and has learnt to use others as the shield from consequences.

Whether it is at work, in the family, or at a social event.

Many groups who use scapegoating are headed by narcissistic (self involved - look at me.... types) who lack an empathy for their target, as in their mind's eye, the target is there to serve their false image; as is anyone that they think will do that.

The real purpose of scapegoating is to allow the group to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain a myth, or an outward appearance of normal. To the aware observer – and possibly you, if you feel like the Scapegoat; – these groups seem crazy making and delusional. Which, in fact they are.- that is their mode of operations.

The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident. They are quickly selected, as they're usually either sensitive, vulnerable, possibly a little unhappy, ill, and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower.

In other words, the scapegoat is the one who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created - who overtly or unconsciously knows there is something not quite right here. And appears easily the one to use - as a sacrifice for the evil belief invokers royal plan/s.

Scapegoaters are insecure people driven to try and raise their own status by attempting to lower the status of their target

How to Tell if it could be happening:

You are held responsible for problems, conflicts or challenges, even if they have nothing to do with you. Other people blame you for their actions.

You may end up feeling a shame for being ‘the bad guy’, and/or anger for being blamed. You are attacked and disbelieved if you tell the truth and ‘blow the whistle’ on negative and/or inappropriate behaviour.

There has been a history of one or more people being verbally, emotionally or physically abusive towards you. Others seem to accept or look the other way when you are bullied or aggressed against like this.Them standing afraid of it happening to them of course. (Sets a precedent of quasi-accepted behavior). You may feel like the ‘black sheep’, and you will be told of that in some form.

You find yourself repeatedly being accused of behavior the scapegoater is engaged in. For example, a family member yells at you, and then accuses you of being abusive, or being thoughtless- then you're told “all you care about is yourself”. Or someone at work, implies that you can't cope with the workload- when they are so busy themselves doing nothing of company value.

You act out at times, the negative ‘expectations’ of scapegoating such as not living up to your potential, or getting into relationships with abusive people because your self esteem is has been damaged.

Being the mentally healthiest family member, but being accused of being sick, bad, etc. The accuser loves the importance of being a greater one.

Your achievements are belittled, minimized, criticized and rejected; others are always the best or better.

Resources are not allowed by you, especially when others are given them. At work, you are put on report, at home ignored, socially you are ignored or kept out of the activities. "What’s going on?"

Using families as an example -though it equally applies to work, or 'false friends.'

Families that are shame or fear based are not healthy. Often you find evidence of abuse, neglect, addiction, betrayal, mental illness and insecurity. They find life threatening, and actively repress it through scapegoating those who want to understand and change the negative dynamics. Scapegoating is a “projection defense” that allows scapegoaters to keep up appearances.

In other words, by making the scapegoat look bad, it takes attention off the real problem be it a person or an activity.

How Scapegoating Changes you.

Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth. The major problem is that they suffer from an identity disturbance, as the target confuses the proposed idea that they are bad, with the truth. This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’, by an authority.

Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved. They can also fall into a 'Victim' role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life. Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family. They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.

Breaking Free From It All.

Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as a Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth. In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent others from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.

Locate and trust your ‘Inner Being’ – you have been mistreated;- and start to build yourself up to no longer allow this abuse. it only needs to a quiet resolve initially. And is safer for you this way.

Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you . You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings.

To change this you need to start standing up in your own mind, to the falsehoods presented. Get to know your true self. In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc. Write them down, even if you have to hide them, – you will need to be reminded of this alternate, which is the truth about you.

Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you. And change your actions a little if it is honest and ethical. Change your physical posture a little - this will change how people view you.

Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the victim role. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.

Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends. They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.

Keeping yourself safe = gently start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you. “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.”

Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people. The point is that you hear and respect yourself!

Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater/s. This may involve limited, no contact, or leaving those who are determined to continue to abuse you. Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed. Leaving is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.

Begin to internally love and appreciate yourself. You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective. Be patient as this false image gradually fades.

Find your true self within - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be, and move forward.

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