A Cult of just one! The covert abuser. - Protecting yourself against manipulation - Part 1 of 5.

The Cult of one.

Many people get involved in groups or relationships because of unresolved issues of the past. 
Which is only natural, as that is our primary learning method. A carryover of security seeking from our youth.
-----Often at times recreating a familiar, unresolved scene with newer characters later in life.

In this context - people who do this without much work and knowledge of the dynamics of manipulation, will be helpless to their natural inclinations and will possibly respond just as they did within the original settings.  

Time for that to change for you.

To escape the Influence, coercion, and manipulation.

Ignoring the many opportunists - particularly those we call criminals, who find ways of making themselves 'indispensable' during someone’s hour of need. Most people who find themselves in abusive situations will only occasionally get there by accident. 

• They either accepted or tolerated the behaviours
• the initial payoff was an ideal or necessity at the time 
• the promises of the future matched their dream or perceived ideal
• they had yet to learn the deceit of others
• they had yet to acknowledge their own equal rights - to themselves
• they have yet to learn how to communicate their needs without threatening the (immature) abuser
• they pretended to ignore or accept the excuses for the 'red flags.'

Cults can be large or small, and most generally have a guru that controls individuals or small groups of individuals. Sometimes a one-on-one manipulative relationship between two individuals shows all the same dynamics of a large cult.  Sadly, this can also occur when one leaves an abusive setting, be it work, religion, or relationship. When attempting to find support after leaving an abusive setting or circumstance, a person is very likely to encounter others who have the negative effects of abuse themselves. You must be careful to avoid getting caught up long term in a new cult relationship with other survivors, counselors, or other well-meaning people who do not have expertise in recovery from manipulation and abuse. Look for possibility people who are able to move forward without the emotions of fear/hate/anxiety.

A one-on-one cult is really a deliberately manipulative and exploitative intimate relationship between two persons, often involving abuse of the subordinate partner; commonly psychological, and emotional, many times physical - if not direct blows, health and stress induced trauma.

In the one-on-one cult, which we call a relationship, there is a significant power imbalance between the two participants. The stronger uses his (or her) influence to control, manipulate, abuse, and exploit the other.

The relationship may even be more intense than participation in a group cult since all the attention and abuse is focused on one person, often with more damaging consequences. Many marriages or domestic relationships where there is spousal abuse may be this way. If not, the habitual controller, will strip or demean the initially better person, so that they can have some power, - these people do leave clues -

• if their last partner committed suicide or developed nutritional health problems
• started drinking or started taking drugs or started gambling
• they've had a succession of people just up and leave them
• they talk badly about others
• they talk badly about their partner or previous life associates
• they favour their - particularly - horse, over people contact
• their children or parent/s are criminals

Do NOT get into a long term association with these people - they are repeat offenders, and you will never be safe. Quietly, and quickly fade away from their lives. Find someone else.

Other one-on-one cults may be found in bad boss/employee situations, in Christian churches, in therapist/client relationships, in prison officer/prisoner or interrogator/suspect situations, and in teacher/student environments.
Watch for the guru effect, especially from either;- a well presented, or poorly presented extreme.

The most common techniques used include - 

• isolation and the provocation of fear; 
• alternating kindness and threat to produce disequilibrium; 
• the induction of guilt, 
• or self-blame, 
• the creation of a dependency, 
• and enforced learned helplessness - as a way of survival.

The degree to which these features are present in a relationship affects the intensity of control and allows the relationship to be labeled one-sided or abusive.
 The similarities between 1- devotion, and 2- the traumatic bonding that occurs between battered individuals and their abusers are striking. 

An abused partner is usually made to, or influenced to submit to the following types of behaviors:

• early verbal and/or physical dominance
• sexual restriction as a tool, or sexual over domination
• isolation/imprisonment
• fear arousal and maintenance
• guilt induction expressions of love (for example - dependent on the number or frequency of chocolate bars given.)
• enforced loyalty to the controller
• promotion of powerlessness and helplessness
• expressions of jealousy
• hope-instilling behaviors
• required secrecy

 
The graphic below, shows their overall plan for you.

Some recommended links to start you on your easier life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book -"..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

 

 

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.

Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  

Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -








Assertiveness training,& stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

 

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

Manipulators use manipulation because it works - Resisting it. 9 Easy techniques to get your life back.

Fun or control?

To Resist or Leave? A good question.     When you feel like you are caught in a web of manipulation, your immediate goal is to stop being a compliant player in your controller's life game.
Whether this is a relationship, a nuisance neighbour, your supervisor, a government agency, Christian guru, work mates, or landlady, or a relative.

In the interests of your personal safety - you must be prepared. Do not be so vocal in your approach, as the other or others will quickly turn to violence, either physical or legal. Re-read The Miss Battles article, then come back here.

It is easy to win, as these people are always focused primarily on the short term - do think of them as a corrupt politician - and you will succeed.

Mostly their behaviour patterns come from a false sense of entitlement, combined with fears of maintaining or not their security - usually social image.
Once you are rested and in a better position, you can assist their change - whether it is as a payback or revenge, or a supportive repatterning.

The initial focus needs to be on you establishing some modicum of control over your life.

 There are two approaches to this goal: Resistance and/or Distance (either psychologically, or physical space, by leaving the relationship altogether).

A very easy, non threatening way is to insert a period of time between the manipulator’s request or demand and your response. Even a few minutes for a start - gives you a little power.
The 'graspers' of the world are not used to this, so have a valid excuse for a few minutes only first off. Then lengthen the gap as the days go on, and more requests come through.

Resist the urge to tell them off, or tell them to f*** off, as valid as that is - I've found it best to keep that until after you are safe, and away from them. As their social value as they perceive it - is their main Achilles heel - we can deal with them later, with that in mind.

Resistance

 

When you resist manipulative pressure successfully, you shift the power balance in the relationship. Most manipulators, are indeed passive/aggressive behaviour types. If not plain aggressive.
You are better than that, and you will pretend you are a resistance fighter in the war.  
Do not shoot them, or kill them - you will get in trouble - we have better ideas to resolve it - read on.
 Be aware that this shift in the power equation will alter the relationship and the behavior of both parties involved. Do not be afraid of this change, you'll get plenty of facial grimaces, poor verbalizations, cold shoulders etc...

You must keep your eye on the prize - you, and the value you have for society, and you. You can, and must re-claim your freedom, autonomy, self-respect, integrity, and self-esteem. These inconsequentials have tried to use you as a stepping stone to look good.

Since you are going to, and will, initiate the changes and will hold your ground, the manipulator can choose either to adapt to your lead (behaviour modification) - or else remain stuck in a strategy that no longer works, at least as far as the relationship with you is concerned.

And many manipulative personalities simply do not and will not change, apart from finding another fresh target....

For such individuals, manipulation of others is their SOP - standard operating plan - their perfect way of functioning. ..

Remember, manipulators use manipulation because it works.

 

Stop helping them, you are allowed to look after yourself.

 

Distance yourself.

There are worse consequences than leaving or losing a relationship altogether. Certainly losing yourself for years, in the fog of manipulation - losing sight of who you are and what you really value, need and believe is the worst thing - and indeed the precursor of many a depression.

Remaining a partner in this manipulation, diminishing your self-respect or integrity, and losing your self-esteem is absolutely not on - and the inconsequentials will have started this process from the beginning.

Finally – and this is important – if your willingness to be manipulated costs you a relationship, That may be a good thing here.

Nine easy ways to Resist Manipulation

1- Take a little time.

Once you start to build in time to think about your options, your sense of control will increase day by day. You are not asking permission, you are just finishing something for you first. Again, the graspers, entitled, and pseudo-rich will not be used to this, so start small.

2- The Broken Record

A brief why is good, though as a statement;- do not have a conversation with the manipulator about why you need time, or what you are going to think over.
Acknowledge that you hear and understand the manipulator, but repeat your statement of  "I'll be there in a minute/hour..." just like a broken record.

3- Desensitizing Anxiety, Fear and Guilt

These have been their weapons of control, and they will get worse as the intensity in their mind increases. Lay off the alcohol, THC, etc for yourself; - go for a walk, read a comic book, think of your new future.
To resist manipulation effectively, you must learn to tolerate these possibly foreign and uncomfortable feelings.

4- Security

Start to develop your independence - especially food choices, clothing, haircuts, and income or money.

5- Labeling the Manipulation

Educate yourself, read the Lazy lawyer article, and know what is really going on. Do shut your mouth though, confrontation when they feel entitled will not be in your best interests. They will lie, deceive, and poison etc etc.

6- Disabling the Manipulation

To disable a manipulation, you need to state that you understand the manipulator’s goal, but that the manipulative tactic she is choosing to use will not work to accomplish that goal, and we should to come up with a better plan.

7-Setting Your Terms

It is not all about pleasing them, as much as they are used to this. Respectfully, start to take a few minutes a day for your own sanity.

8- Compromising & Negotiating

A manipulator is only interested in serving her own interests and her own ends. Left to his or her own devices, she will never be looking out for what you need or desire. And they will say you have to compromise, while he or she has no intention of doing so. It is now time for you to stand up for yourself a little, and/or get in an authority in their world to tell them to give you some slack.

9- Plan your Future.

These people do change, it needs you and all others in their life to stop responding in the ways you have done before, and needs at least one or two major consecutive negative emotional catastrophes at the same time as you being strong.

Consequently, you are better off to limit your exposure to these people - and significantly distance yourself, while you develop your inner sense of self.


Important; - A partnership is a healthy co-operation on meeting each of your respective needs and preferences, having talked about it equitably beforehand.



Some recommended links to start you on your easier life..... 

  Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

 

 

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  






Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.

Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...


Become the best you can be with Mindmint







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Plan your next escape ; - you choose where to - with Webjet.

Dealing with the real estate agent, realtor, the lazy lawyer, or any manipulative person.

Which witch has the power?

Manipulative People. How to Deal with Them?

 

Manipulative people try not to be obvious in their mannerisms, which is part of their learnt deception.

 Whether, they are a difficult marriage partner, bad spouse, or one of the aforementioned, and notably government licensed people, their modus operandi and intent is the same.

They win by either taking from you what is yours, or minimizing its or your life value, and you lose.
In essence, a type of rape - using subterfuge to deceive you for their advantage.

We have come out on top several times, and it is a great feeling, even after that, they've generally pulled the inform the police card - a good reason for you to stay clean.

It takes effort, and time out of your life to deal with these people, and that fulfills their desire of self importance (a personality type - so do beware - this is a significant red flag).

When someone is openly assertive in outlining the requirements, you find it a lot easier to agree on a mutually beneficial outcome.

These other people are afraid of losing the advantage, something like the weak bully, so they will use the lies, half truths, and other mechanisms to trick you.

• A question disguised as a statement 
• Making a personal statement, and pretending it is someone else's
• Guilt trips
• Confrontational statements
• The "silent treatment"
• The "no way out" question
• Lies

1. A question disguised as a statement
Manipulative people hate asking questions because it means they may lose control. So they will use a directive question.
Examples:
"I am wondering why you..."
"Perhaps you could..."
"I wish you could..for us/me"
"I suppose you are going to..."

How to deal with it:
When dealing with manipulative people, answer questions only, not directives. Try to recognize the difference. You must learn to not get deceived by these.
Usually by saying "I can't look at this right now," or "I have to be somewhere in a minute, I'll catch up with you later" will defeat their objective.

2. Making a personal statement and pretending it's someone else's
This allows manipulative people to put the blame on someone else, therefore not taking responsibility for his or her opinion.
Examples:
"We were wondering if you..."
"They said you..."
"She thought you..."
"Everyone thinks you..."

How to deal with it:
Ask who is "we", "they", or "someone" and ask what the manipulator thinks is a solution. Then ignore whatever they have said - saying "I'll have to get some second opinions."

3. Guilt Trips
Manipulative people use statements to make you feel guilty about doing or not doing something. You don't expect it and it blinds your ordinarily good judgment.
Examples:
"I don't you care if...."
"If you loved me..."
"Everyone knows that..."
"Every decent person would..."
"I just knew you would say that!"
"Can't you take a joke?"
"You could never do..."
"I thought that's what you wanted"

How to deal with it:
Recognize the manipulative statement. If you can, reduce your exposure to the statement because they are trying to get it to stick to you. Whenever you hear it, just say "No", then "No", then "No" thanks.

4. Confrontational Statements:
 Those statements are used to put you on the defensive. If you play the manipulator's game, you will end up in a fight without knowing how it started.
Examples:
"Why do you always..."
"Do you expect me to..."
"I can't believe you would..."
"I thought we were going to..."
"Why should I have to..."
"I've been told that..."
"How could you..."
"Why don't you..."
"Did you hear me?"
"Well, does that mean that I have to..."
"I thought you..."
"Don't you think you (we) should..."
"Are you telling me..."
"I thought we agreed..."

How to deal with it:
Let things slide. Don't respond to their bad behavior, or demean yourself by apologizing.
You can choose not to fight by using one of the following replies:
"I'll have to think about that"
"We can talk later."
"I prefer it like that"
"I need to check with..."
"You're right" (and drop the subject)

5. The "Silent Treatment"
Manipulative people may stop talking to you altogether and want to find out how long it will take before you crack. This is a standard sales technique, and taken to its extreme is how they get control.

How to deal with it:
Simply say "Let me know when you feel like talking" and nothing else. Act like it is no big deal. Get busy with something else and put a smile on your face. If you crack now, they'll use this tactic again and again. Be aware that sometimes people need time to think things out, especially when they are angry. Mostly they will say, "I need some time out."

6. The "No Way Out" question
You are being asked a question and you think you are given a choice, but the answer has already been decided by the manipulator. The question shouldn't be the time of the appointment, but whether you want an appointment at all. After such a question, there is a pregnant pause and, since you are programmed to respond to a conversational pause by offering to help, you jump in and do whatever the manipulator wants you to do.
Examples:
"Would you like an appointment at 6:15 or 6:30?"
"Do you want the red one or the blue one?"
"Don't you think that...?"
"Aren't you happy that..."
"Have you stopped beating your wife?"

How to deal with it:
Be prepared to use one of those replies:
"I'll let you know"
"I'll have to think about that"
"No thanks"
"I disagree, I think you are mistaken/wrong"
"Sorry, I'm not interested"


7. Lies
- They add unnecessary details to an explanation.
- When you ask for an explanation or a clarification, they pause, or pretend not to know something,  even though they should know the answer.
- Hands to the face, twirling a pen, or in their pockets.
- They may be laughing nervously.
- They are not looking at you while speaking, or look at you too intensely.
- They will change the topic of the conversation.
- You feel something is wrong and your body may start reacting.
 He/she may start asking questions to put the focus on you, will start accusing you, or may be evasive saying "Oh well that all depends..." "I'm not sure...", or may change the subject completely.

How to deal with it:
With a compulsive liar, you have to accept that you will be deceived or let down. If you think you need them in your life, avoid any agreements you can, especially legal ones. Document and record and confirm all responses. Absolutely hide your copies safely, and privately. Reduce your contact time, and avoid questions. Don't ask a liar for anything and don't do anything for him/her either. Start to be self-reliant and financially and emotionally free.

Some Words of Caution

Remember that manipulative people are often so well practiced, that they use this as their only means of relating with the rest of society.
Many of the pseudo-wealthy, and 'experts' are masters at these deceptions. Something like the child's story of Rumpelstiltskin - they do not at any cost want to be exposed, and lose their 'power.'

For your own safety and well-being, refrain from addressing the issues; - they are always abusive when they or their offspring are held to account - use an anonymous tack towards an authority in their lives - Read the Miss Battles post.- and LEAVE, there are 17 billion people in the world, some good, be around them - not be poisoned by these ones.

Again - Whether, they are a difficult relationship partner, colleague, or especially government licensed people, their modus operandi and intent is the same. Watch for the 'entitlement' attitude.

They win by either taking from you what is yours, or minimizing its or your life value, and you lose.
In essence, a type of rape - using subterfuge to deceive you for their advantage, with their false entitlement.


  Recommended links to help you.....

• Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (read them all!)

• George Simon's books:- Dealing with manipulative people. (buy and read them all!)

• 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  






Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.
 Make money by putting LOVE first and Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

The end of a relationship, from a woman's point of view

Who wants who in this relationship?

Do not be afraid to stand up for your rights to get this woman or man out of your life.

It really is OK to move on from people in the world.

Think that they were your associate or hoped for partner for that time in your life - now it is time for a new chapter.

Being diplomatic is the most positive solution, as it will allow the other party to think that it was under their control.

Psychically or psychologically the initiation of the problems was under their control - they may or may not be aware of that.

Diplomacy may not be 100% possible if you have not learnt some of those skills yet - Briefly it is directing someone on a path in a direction you have chosen - in this case away from you - allowing them to remain feeling good about themselves and their choices.

• Directness can work sometimes if both can see a value in the alternatives.

• Threats real or implied, sadly never seem to bring good, no matter how popular they are.

While standing up for your rights, the weaker thinking people (no matter what their costume or title - perhaps more especially so) will support your ex or soon to be ex-friend's take on the situation. Perhaps, or in fact more likely - wanting to be distributed some of the spoils - a sad reality in any western society.

Do be aware no one cares about your safety or life as much as you do, and you will be surprised how unimportant your life is, to some of the people whose advertised job it is to protect you. Their system is the their ultimate interest, not one individual in it.

The easiest, and most peaceful solution is for most people no contact, go and read the woodcutter post then come back here.

When you do remain in contact you continue to engage in a relationship on some level and are still affected by its triggers. Of course there are cases where 'no contact' is not possible due to the involvement of children, employment, or family.
This you can easily handle by separating the areas of contact, e.g. only talk about work, while you are at work, only talk about your shared children's activities while with your partner etc.

 Limit the ammunition you give anyone really, no other person in the world has the right to all of your psyche - if they complain about it - they are a manipulator - exclude them from your life-space quickly - unless they are your therapist with a signed confidentiality warrant (that you get the original of, and they keep a copy) they are up to NO good. Read are there any good people in the world.

No contact gives you the space and time to get some forward energy back into your life. It can be a challenge at first as you resist the urge to answer the phone, return an email or make that regular call.  It is a decision for your health and sanity, even when they have seemed like the only one in the world you trusted before.


Here are your rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship, just begin to do so.

2) It often involves shared possessions, think about what important item your other half would like to take from you - either remove it to safety now, or accept its loss.  Get separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason for her to contact you. If necessary use a third party that they respect.

3) Clean out your thinking and get rid of any thought triggers of especially pity - empathy or even sympathy from a distance is OK.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If she stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see her in public, wave, say hello, and avoid eye contact, then move away as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If she calls, don’t answer the phone. If she calls from an unidentified number and you hear her voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word.  If she is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. It may be worth a written documented complaint to the telco authorities.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block her emails and even consider having your own email address changed so she won’t have your information. Introduce a new policy at work of no personal emails - and ensure everyone follows it.

7) If you are on any mutual community websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access her web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on her. What she is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of hers.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with her at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him.
If you find mutual friends do not support your request you must never trust them again.
Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way.

9) If you work with her, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced financially to do business with her, keep all communication 100% business and don’t allow her to engage you in any other way.

10) If you have children with her you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. If you assume she or her friends are narcissistic, that will be the safest for you- they as people will often use the children as a way to get to you.
Your job, as should be hers, is to support the children especially emotionally as they grow- treat it as a job that you want to do -the adult relationship may have ended, yet the life purpose here is still important.


Once you have moved forward, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe she has changed.

People do change, and it is easy to do so, and against populist propaganda - it is easy to change others.
This is not a usual trend though, and in the case where you have needed to use the above techniques, the likelihood of any real change in the direction you want - is very small.

 Allow her the life path she is on, and move forward with yours.

Recommended Links to help you...Choose a couple...

  Patricia Evan's books:- Recognizing and dealing with verbal abuse. (buy and read them all!)

 

 'The Dangerous Woman'  or  'Venus the dark side'  -- Both Highly recommended reads

Les brown - the master of motivation - helping you. and-
 

Discover the ideas to achieve the life of your dreams, with help from the master of success.







Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

Turn your computer into the ultimate meditation assistant.




Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  



Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.


Make money by putting LOVE first and do Unlock the flow of wealth into your life...
Morgana Rae & Charmed Life Coaching, Inc.


 

How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationship, or saying I'm not good enough.

As a Maiden making your own way in the world

The feeling of "not good enough" to be friends, lovers, or business partners with certain people, is common.
Feeling insecure, you might both enter and end many promising relationships because of your perceptions or yourself. Or how you have been trained as a child, by parents with their own issues.

Many a time walking away, rather than risking rejection is how we might deal with it. And 70 % of the time that is the right thing to do - as we are not ready for what is offered to us, or we indeed have picked up on an undercurrent of dis-ease.

A lot of time the one we had chosen, had in fact chosen us, as an easy target to get their own way.

And will use our hint of insecurity to maintain their dominance.

So do be very aware, there are some faulty people in the world, no matter male or female; - generally an either self-professed authority, or preening type person is a great indicator, these must be kept as a short term, or no contact.
 Their hidden issues and inner voids, are too much for the normal person to fill, and sadly they will turn to abuse, if they can't get all they want - so you must avoid them.

As a metaphor, view and question your mind as they may be a beautiful house built over a toxic waste site, with loose soil; looks good and appealing to all, but has inherent, and damaging to you, problems.

  On a positive note though - not everyone is like this, you are in fact seeking to align yourself with the 10% of more than OK people in the world.
And not sabotage your own happiness, and good future.  
To set yourself up for success in a relationship is the secret, and if you’re actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to…

1. Stop trying to read their minds.

The process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid way to feelings of insecurity and stress. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t.

The challenge with this is;

 1- you are devaluing the others individuality - most will 'intuitively' pick up on this, and leave -
 and
2- you are trying to control the world through only your experiences

Note- Sometimes silence is good, don’t assume so quickly that their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.  Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind.  Say what you actually mean and be tactfully truthful about what you say.  Do give the people in your life the information they need, in the area you hope to trust them in.
Constantly asking, "What are you thinking?" can also provoke a person to withdraw in some form from a relationship. Read on.....

2. Stop looking for perfect relationships.

To be seeking the right lover and the right friends is a good and valid aim, though if you expect them to be perfect in every way, they may not live up to your fantasy of perfection in every way.
That is because we are all imperfect in some way.  You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you attract relationships with people who may have complementary ways.
If you are looking for the ideal, it is better to be ideal for yourself and look for people who balance you out.

3. Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.

Simply because some were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships may be kind and supportive.
If you do carry old behaviours from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart for you before.

 

4. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.

Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage.  Too often we could be following a parental or religious invocation, and living out their life - (the previous control persons) - not ours.
The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. And many drivers do need re-training - it is much better to train someone with positive guidance, than with continuous nagging or power/control behaviours.

5. Stop focusing on the negatives.

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it mightn't always be. The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.  
Be careful of your 'friends' and families influence here. Many a dis-affected child has gone on in adulthood to diminish and destroy other peoples good relationships, due to their own insecurities - if these are your associates, think of yourself first, and limit your contact with them - it is now the time to leave that swamp for free and clear ground.


Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept everyone into your life who is willing to accept you. Nor does it give you permission to compromise your values. It does mean that if there are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you can choose to work through them for your own growth at least.

No meaningful relationship seems to  work perfectly all the time.  Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship is not going to help you, as is solely focusing your life on the relationship.  There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good - particularly in you.  

Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships.   
What you are best to do, is look for signs of what is working, and encourage and enhance those.

Recommended links to help you now...Choose one...

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Become Self Assertive, and more a Confident you, from today with -

Assertiveness training, stress handling techniques by the world famous David Bonham-Carter.

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Creative Visualization, Manifesting, Guided Meditation, Self Hypnosis, Improving your Intuition  


   

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Is Holding on being brave? Or is it Time to Let Go? Finding the strength.

Let them into my life space?

On occasion letting go and moving on is what makes some of us stronger and happier. We can often look back and say we shouldn't have, or should have not let that pass. And introspection and revising is good, if it helps us respond to new or new/old events in a better way.

When it comes to people relationships we can, yet shouldn't accommodate them at our expense. Not money or wealth, even though that occurs, but emotional and/or psychological health.

You generally know, or are developing your own life path - and yes it does need to be a better one often. Take care, if you are an adult - you are the one who ultimately chooses or allows situations to occur.


Read on to help.....

1) Someone expects you to be someone you’re not. – Don’t change who you are specifically for someone else.  It’s OK to change if you see the long-term value in being better, yet if someone is dictating you to change to please them alone - it is wise to consider if they have a valid point.
Or is it coming from a fear within them? And where does it end. Sounds like the indicators of control and abuse.

2) A person’s actions don’t match their words. –Don’t listen to what people say so much to you- even though that is important. Watch how they talk about others, or groups of others, and watch what they do. If someone is consistently inconsistent and their actions don’t match up with their words, it’s time to let them go. True friendship is a promise of some mutual trust, this seems to show the opposite.

3) You catch yourself forcing someone to love you. – We shouldn’t beg, deceive, or manipulate someone to stay when they may want to leave. To truly live is the beginning of an understanding that love sometimes leaves for a reason, but never leaves without a lesson to be learnt.


4) An intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction. – Being beautiful is good, being good inside is even better.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever. Your body does change - guaranteed. But the good people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you. It’s about being who you are and living your life honestly, with a consideration for others.

5) Someone continuously breaks your trust. – This does get tiring after a while, most of us prefer the security of an approximate prediction. It is best when someone has the chance to hurt you, but they choose not to.  Don't be so naive to completely trust a person, without any doubt, you may not like the result. Involve them in the decision making, and they will reciprocate giving you a trustworthy result.

6) Someone continuously overlooks your worth. – Know your worth! When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of you that you’ll never get back. If they are so wound up in themselves, they always will be - you have to let go and stop chasing them. Save it for some sheep - and you will need to learn skills of attraction there too.


7) You are never given a chance to speak your mind. – Sometimes a settled discussion saves a relationship, whereas silence breaks it.  Speak up from your heart, with reasonable tact, aiming in the direction you wish to be heading. Life is about being honest with an appreciation of the others point of references, and sharing your happiness with them.


8) You are frequently forced to sacrifice your happiness. – Frequently is the word here, know when to consider your own desires and needs as well. If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you are being a martyr- not a great career of life choice. People wake up to them pretty quickly, and most avoid them for safety's sake.


9) You truly dislike your current situation, routine, job, etc. – It’s better to acknowledge you need to change, rather than going through an unlived life. Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of going after yours. Move in your desired life direction, and learn from your situation, and your choices.



10) You catch yourself obsessing over, and living in, the past. – What matters most is not the first, but the ongoing chapters of your life, which you unveil as you make your story happen.
If you are in such a bad place for yourself that the past is the ideal. It would be best to leave the current situation, while you rebuild yourself.
Do take into account, you can never really return to the perfect past, you will find it easier, faster and more realistic to build an ideal now and future.


Some recommended links to start you on your better life.....


Buy Roy Sheppards book - "..Be The One", and read it, and start to work at it

Become the best you can be with Mindmint

Grow yourself online in the privacy of your own home





Live Tarot readers - to find a new direction - for you today.




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